When the little boy inside of me has been searching for self-love after too many years of hurt and pain, I certainly feel I’m not good enough.
About a week ago, it struck me that I became my worst enemy.
The moment of realisation, and somewhat clarity comes at the most ironic of times.
Things I was part conscious of. Though, my denial and habits with masking got the best of me.
Carrying other people’s stress as my burden is what I had thought being a support system is about.
Empathy is one thing, compassion is one realm deeper.
Everything I do is out of what I feel is a good intention, which it is, however, I’ve forgotten about myself.
Throughout my high school days, I copped the repercussions of bullying and have been masking it ever since. Some of these masks, you would never think could exist. Pain is ever so malleable.
Yes, there were my long days of despair consuming copious amounts of drugs and alcohol to behind a new exhilarating yet, terrifying facade.
Even in the last few years, the bullying had still existed and even from the ones I had a very deep spot in my heart. I’m sure it’s their way of portraying love. Or maybe they’re truly hurting on the inside.
This like/loving tendency subsequently had me believe every word to the times in high school of utmost disconnect.
This would be the first of the 25 cognitive biases I’ve studied, and probably the one I struggle with the most.
The validation of being a pushover really messed with my head for quite some time, I’m no longer myself.
The little boy inside me who’s remarkably sensitive that wanted love more than anything, had dissipated by the day.
Suppressing any emotion that shows any sign of ‘weakness’ became my ‘strength’ to hide, seeing as impulsive implosions would occur, at the best of times.
When the contemplation of finishing my life seems like the only answer, it feels like a city smog of darkness summoned from the deepest troughs of sorrow, the remaining existence of my spirit ready to be swallowed into an oblivion.
***
Putting more effort into rebuilding life from such arduous and strenuous pitfalls require more impetus and inertia than ever.
A humbling and awakening time to be around for.
A point of low that being open and vulnerable is not only the last option but this questions all morality of existing values.
However, being open-minded started to shift my decision-making and ability to seek for help.
2016-17 were easily my most physical years I’ve experienced and yes, it taught me not only how to push the body to enduring lengths, but what the value of purpose was truly about – serving for others.
All the charity work I was doing, the gratitude I was giving could not be packaged.
Trying to maintain momentum resulted into people-pleasing, a massive insecurity of mine.
I’m no perfect human (nor is anyone else, for that matter) so my relationship with insecurities has been rather intimate. Simply, I’m still constantly rediscovering myself and finding something new (and sometimes old) rising to the surface.
It’s like dealing with a new habit. Heart rate is through the roof because it’s untethered territory yet, gets easier over time.
With what I’m going through right now certainly hurts and a little heart-breaking, requires to have a greater emotional intelligence to take it in.
Being there for people is something that’ll come naturally to me, possibly from sensing their emotional pain. However, being greedy with it by taking on other’s problems and burdens is actually incredibly selfish.
What I thought was compassion turned out to be fuel for my ego.
That little boy that’s seeking for love doing everything he can to fulfil that purpose. It’s a silent quest to search for the impalpable divinity that may even be the cure to the root cause os all self-debilitating abuse and incredulous evil manifesting inside.
It’s not until you have friends that truly feel the emotional pain held on as deadweight, magnified into tonnes of intangible concrete pillars weighing my head down, and those friends tell you they “love you” for who I am hit me like a tidal wave of emotional love.
I’ve been told more times than I can count that I have a massive heart, but it’s pointless on my end if I can’t open it for myself.
Recently, a dear friend asked me “when was the last time you made love? I’m not talking about just regular sex by the way”. Taken aback by such a question, my answer after seconds of silence and thinking back to the times I’ve had sex, “I actually can’t remember. May never had happened.”
It’s time to be truly open with myself so I can let my guard down to a point, I can fully let my heart out. Look, I can support my people as long as I stay empathetic with a ‘filter’ because of my sensitivity.
It’s also time to take care of myself as a first priority which will allow my cup to be overflowing before I least expect it. Then it becomes easier to be that helping hand.
Otherwise, I’ll end up giving the cup away again.
The bud needs to be nipped before it spreads anymore like cancer or a farm of bamboo that seems impossible to remove once it’s planted.
Here’s to the little boy inside me that has been incessantly seeking that missing self-love. I’m doing this for you, bud.
I love you.
So, after all that, what is my why in life?
To bridge the gap of human disconnect.
How will I do this exactly? Taking hurt men from the bottom of oceans to the top of mountains. Not only to show what they’re capable of but to reduce that internal loneliness from the men they truly aspire to be.
That’s why I’m incredibly humbled to be apart of the new project called The Path of The Warrior with two dear mates, Brandon Clift and Tom Callow where we break the cycle of toxic masculinity., creating a new rite of passage that is much needed for the next generation of men.
Think about it, how much of a better world would this be if we could remove blame, excuses, ego, and toxic masculinity in our men of today and put that energy into self-love, owning mistakes, and living with true intention?
That is certainly the world I want to live in.
It would naturally help our men become better husbands, fathers, & civilians of society.
Ever noticed that 99.999% of all wars are created from angry resentful men? It’s about creating that rite of passage to prevent any more of this from happening to better next generation of men. As a male who used to be driven with ego/wrong intentions, I wish I had a support system in the years prior.
How it’s structured…
-
Brandon (spirit/heart) is your guy for emotional and heart intelligence.
-
Callow (body) is your guy to get the body you desire.
-
Tofe (mind) is your guy to cultivate a bulletproof mindset.
We’re also taking 10 of our best warriors to be their quintessential versions to Everest Base Camp and sponsoring two young males with anxiety/depression/suicidal tendencies to join us – note, this isn’t for anyone who’s sitting on the fence.
If you feel this is something that could truly help you be a better man/husband/father/role model (or know of someone), lock in a discovery call here so Brandon or I see if you’re eligible – https://calendly.com/newwarrior/discovering-the-warrior
Are you excited to see the next generation of men? We fucking are.
Here’s to breaking the cycle.
Have a great day on purpose.
Tofe