Even writing that evokes anxiety within me! A few tears even.
And I went through all emotions at the time of these relationships and even after they ended !
Sadness!
Denial!
Confusion!
Disappointment!
Anger!
Broken Spirit!
Disbelief!
Relief!
Happiness!
Both these relationships were the type you read about happening to “that girl”!
And many times I used to say to myself “oh my god I’m ‘that girl’ that people continually tell to just leave! Just get out!”
But it’s not that easy. Dealing with narcissistic sociopaths has you manipulated into doubting yourself.
Doubting yourself so much that you are afraid to speak up, let alone leave.
Over and over! This vicious cycle would continue.
I was constantly questioning myself and my worth. My beliefs. My morals!
Who was I?
I mean seriously. Where did I go? What happened to that bubbly, energetic and positive girl?
Beyond the physical, verbal, mental, emotional and financial abuse, being disappointed in myself was the next worse thing!
I felt I had let myself down. And then some!! How could I be involved with these men…twice!
Why wasn’t I tapping into the awesome strength I knew I had?
Why was I believing lies?
Why was I putting up with this constant cycle of abuse?
I knew these beings broke my spirit for sure.
But I couldn’t grasp how I wasn’t feeling strong within myself at all.
The second time around, which was years and years after the first DV relationship, I was way stronger than the first. But I was still left questioning myself.
Where had ME gone?
Why was I allowing another emotional vampire to zap me dry with his toxicity?
Why couldn’t I see WHO these toxic people were BEFORE they had me hook, line and sinker?
Especially the second time around!!
Finding myself again was THE hardest thing to do! And I was always waiting to arrive at that place where I felt completely ME again!
How I was! The old me that loved life and had faith in the human race.
But over my journey to re-INJECT self love I realised something!
I had changed! I had evolved! I was a different ME and that was ok. I didn’t have to fit into the old version of me to be whole again.
I had everything within me to feel all of that strength and happiness and power NOW! Not “when” I got back the old me!
Because that may never come. And that was okay too.
I wasn’t the same girl. I was better. And it was because of what I had been through in those relationships that I emerged that way!
I finally understood what empowerment meant. Although my spirit had been crushed both times, I was the one who could choose to build it back up!
I had total control over ME and how I chose to feel.
How I chose to act!
How I chose to live!
I’m not saying I’m perfect because I’m far from that. There’s no such thing anyways. I’ve made choices in my past that weren’t aligned with myself or with others.
They weren’t mistakes though.
They were meant to happen that way so I could learn.
The DV relationships I had were meant to happen to me so I could learn.
Anthony Robbins channelling time : “Life doesn’t happen TO us, it happens FOR us.”
And my life was happening for me for a reason.
To be broken down was part of it…. so I could build myself back up. To a stronger me than ever before.
Because both relationships empowered me!
Both times I came out the other side with MORE love for me.
I gained a better understanding of life and what it means to self love!
I learnt that I didn’t need to arrive at a destination of who I was before all this happened. I was already there. Because I was in my PERFECT right then. Just as I am in my new perfect right now!
My journey is happening ALL the time and I can love ME as I am along that entire way no matter how many times I change or evolve.
Being in those situations, no matter how toxic, helped me to realise my true worth. My true power!
Because I saw first hand how someone can rip that away from me! But that is only temporary. It’s what we rip away from ourselves that causes the lasting, ongoing damage.
How I treated myself and beat myself up was doing more damage than both those trying, testing, challenging, abusive relationships!
And now I have the greatest insight into other women’s self loathing and self hate behaviours because of that experience! I can almost read minds. ?
My superpower is empathy and insight now.
For myself!
For others!
Because I know that the most important thing I can ever do to GIVE more to others, to those I love, to everything I stand for …… is to love myself!
It is that strongly embedded within me now that no one could ever take that away ever again!
This inner strength — — your Warrior Goddess — — is what you all need to unleash.
You don’t need to experience abusive relationships to feel it. To awaken that Inner Goodess. Because she wants to ROAR.
I could see that despite thinking I had a strong self-love game, being in these relationships made me see I didn’t.
BUT they helped me flex my self-love muscle more than ever before.
Choose self-love over self-loathe.
Choose to unleash your Inner Warrior Goddess rather than allow your Inner Bully to take over.
Choose to accept your life is journey not a destination.
Choose to put YOU first you gorgeous Goddesses.
And no one can ever take that away from you!!
Love + Empowerment,
Ingrid xo
Originally published at medium.com