We are all somebody’s child.
No matter how historic that date is on our birth certificate, we all came into this world with the innocent hope our parents and caregivers would forever offer a place of acceptance, encouragement, and love. A secure harbour to which we could bring our true selves with our triumphant hopes and ambitions, along with the defeats and wounds that every life can dispense, and know, unconditionally, that we would always be safe.
In our critical formative years, how we experience the world provides a template and a model for us to observe and potentially follow behaviourally and emotionally. Our interactions with our parents and the associated experiences, therefore, also provide the informative grounding for our intimate and critical relationships later in life.
Our parents, and those who choose to bring us into and up in the world, hence have a duty of care to us as their children. Once just tiny, fragile, and developing humans, our need to be nurtured and cared for in ways that allow us to flourish, as independent people, is critical. Safe in the knowledge that those around us are only acting
in our best interests. Their honouring of that unique position of trust has proven to be a fundamental indicator of the success of any child, with the ambition that one day we become a psychologically healthy adult, who can feel grateful and thankful for the care that our parents lovingly ensured we experienced.
When that duty of care is psychologically fractured, abused, distorted, or manipulated, it can do incredible and long-lasting harm to a child, no matter their age. As research continually seeks further to understand and appreciate the emotional and societal outcomes any distortions or harm imposed on any child may have, we further uncover the potential lifetime impact and consequences that child may need to realize and ultimately address.
Much has been written and understood about the devastation of both physical and sexual abuse towards a child at the hands of a parent or caregiver, especially across the last four decades. It has rightfully been met with the horror and condemnation it so searingly deserves. Thanks to legislations such as the 1989 and subsequent 2004
Children’s Act, to the profile of organizations such as the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC), ChildLine, and many others, awareness and additional prevention strategies and protections, while not perfect, are now better in place. We are increasingly able, in a growing number of cases, to offer the critical
helplines, emotional and physical protections, support, and the psychological therapies and treatments required to provide some level of acknowledgement and hope of healing for the children impacted by their abusive caregivers.
However, as we entered the twenty-first century there emerged a new level of harm we now identify as psychological abuse, ranging from coercive control to verbal bullying, physical to emotional neglect, emotional incest and enmeshment, parental alienation, and psychological manipulation as well as neglect by omission. Each, in
their own right, abuse – but often in varied combinations. While this can sadly occur in any class, culture, religion, or nationality, it is often hidden within families, something Kathleen Saxton discusses in her forthcoming book My Parent the Peacock (John Murray Press, 25th Sept), where she highlights the growing correlation between this abusive behaviour when a parent is either diagnosed with or shows deep traits of a narcissistic personality.
The phenomenon of narcissistic parenting has been documented for decades, and its effects are both pervasive and damaging. The signs of narcissistic parents can be difficult to detect, but the emotional impact they have on their children and grandchildren is profound. Yet since 2020, column inches, and social media frenzy around narcissism has reached a crescendo. The term ‘narcissistic’ has entered the vernacular of everyday life around the world, and yet so much about the condition and its impact is still misunderstood.
Research continues to reveal the long-lasting harm caused by narcissistic parents and grandparents, with studies highlighting the emotional and psychological challenges faced by their children. Understanding and recognizing these patterns is the first step in breaking the cycle of narcissistic abuse, ensuring that future generations can grow up in healthier, more supportive environments.
While in many ways the increase of awareness opened up the chamber of intrigue, there is equally a dramatic level of misinformation that has arisen around the term ‘narcissism’. This has unfortunately threatened to dilute the true impact of this mental health condition and personality disorder with false, amateur, and unqualified accusations and utilizations of the word employed merely as verbal weaponry. In this way, we risk diminishing the tremendous damage those with narcissistic personalities, or those diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), inflict on the individuals around them. With the word ‘narcissism’ increasingly used as a mere side swipe or
slight when someone is simply being a little self-centred, we need to work hard to bring clinical understanding to the fallout from this condition and allow those who have to suffer the lived experience and consequences at the hands of a narcissist to be heard and respected.
My Parent the Peacock, has been written for anyone who suspects, knows, or wonders if they have grown up with or around a narcissistic parent and has witnessed, experienced, and suffered under the challenging and deeply wounding impact they can have. Recognizing the growing number of people who enquire and quietly question whether indeed their mother or father is or was in fact a narcissist.
Living with the suspicion, question, or knowledge that you have a parent who is a narcissist may have been an isolating and lonely position to be in. Our friends who have experienced regulated, safe, and loving parents may struggle to fathom, from the outside, why we hurt so deeply and avoid, suppress, and struggle to maintain a positive family dynamic. They too may have been enthralled by our seemingly charismatic, demure, or charming peacock parent and, with good intentions, are eager for us to mend or heal parental discord, little knowing how much their actions in fact only further invalidate our truth. Yet they have no concept of the quantum of battle wounds and weeping scars we quietly nurse just to get through another birthday, another Christmas, or another family wedding.
By illuminating the frightening, the silent, the engulfing, the aggressive, the inconsistent, the cold, the overwhelming and simply bizarre upbringing you may have endured and may still be living, we can, together, come to terms with and navigate how to manage the situation in whichever way feels right for you from this moment on. From grieving for the relationship you did not have, before or after your parents’ death; to seeking resolution if viable; to simply creating firm boundaries; to finally cutting off the parent completely; or indeed tackling the parent in the present day and accepting the situation with or without a diagnosis. In this groundbreaking new book, Saxton welcomes all children who have been emotionally and psychologically hurt – offering them a place of recognition and hope.
