Having empathy for someone’s difficult past doesn’t mean you accept their current abusive behaviors.
In a wound mate relationship, you are locked into a defeating pattern where you bond
with each other through your mutual wounds, trauma, and pain. This can feel intense
and intimate, whether it’s a romance or any potentially close relationship. But actually,
you may be confusing intensity with intimacy and control with caring.
You marvel at finding someone who is just like you and mistake them for a soulmate or
soul friend. That’s why people who misuse substances are often attracted to each other
and to other “wounded birds.” Or, yet again, you get involved with a narcissist who can
manipulate your self-doubts and vulnerability, which draws you in.
In my book, The Genius of Empathy, I write about a patient who described her painful
choices in romantic partners. She said, “I feel I have more in common with people
who’ve had a difficult childhood since I had one too. We ‘get’ each other.” With such
seeming rapport, she was baffled about why the relationships failed. She didn’t
understand that the same emotional wounds could prevent a partner from showing
healthy intimacy. Nor did she grasp that the sizzling chemistry that can come from
having a common history can’t always be equated with love. It often turns volatile and
abusive with wound mates. So, in therapy, my patient started to accept that she was
choosing wound mate relationships, which were unhealthy and painful. As she explored
her own emotional patterns, such as needing to overgive to win someone’s love, she
became attracted to potential partners who were more capable of intimacy.
If you identify with being a wound mate, you can begin to heal this pattern in
psychotherapy, as my patient did. As a result of her emotional growth, she was able to
become a caring partner who is more capable of intimacy. Participating in a twelve-step
recovery group for codependency, such as CODA, can help you choose healthier
people too. However, if you haven’t done this healing work, you could easily be drawn
into these destructive relationships again, so be cautious.
The first step to healing this pattern is to be aware of it. Gently explore any beliefs that
keep you repeating harmful relationships. Record them in a journal. Common ones are:
“I only connect intimacy with pain,” or “A loving family yells at you because they care.”
Tenderly replace these beliefs with more healing ones, such as: “Love means mutual
respect,” or “Healthy intimacy feels comfortable and nurturing.” Have empathy for the
beliefs that drew you to wound mates in the past so you can stay open to more
emotionally available partners now.