Grudges are one of those issues that can have a lasting and profoundly negative impact on someone. It will keep the person holding the grudge angry and the person that it is against, feeling bad. It takes more energy to be angry with someone than it does to be peaceful, yet people hold on to grudges for months, years, and even decades. The reason is simple: It protects them.

To make my point, I’ll digress for a moment. Years ago, when I was a graduate student I used to take the subway through some of the highest-crime areas of New York City late at night to get to where I lived. A lanky guy like me simply didn’t belong in those parts of town, especially late at night. It was highly anxiety-provoking and I knew that in order to protect myself from any potential threats, I had to make myself appear disturbed — angry, even — because as long as someone looks that way, people don’t go near him or her. So I did just that. I paced, shook my head, acted dejected, and even talked to myself at times. I’m not necessarily attributing me being unharmed to this tactic, however, I do know that I looked miserable and no one went near me.

Back to the grudge. As long as you are angry, people won’t go near you. You’ll keep people at bay. The anger protects you from getting hurt again. Further, the anger that comes from the grudge energizes you, providing the illusion of control. Also, maintaining the grudge is your way of holding the offender responsible for the behavior or act, and to forgive might feel like you are letting him or her off the hook too easily.

To shake this thinking, ask yourself the following:

  1. Did I handle the situation the best I could at the time?
  2. Can I change the situation?
  3. What’s the benefit of holding the grudge apart from protecting yourself from being hurt?
  4. What will you gain by letting go of the grudge?

Think about this:

Pretend you’re packing for a trip and you can only bring essential items. Would you bring healthy things such as a positive attitude, good food, and a sense of humor or would you bring anger, resentment, and bad food? The latter will surely weigh you down while taking only things that are good for you will lighten your load and make the trip easier.

Originally published at


  • Jonathan Alpert

    Psychotherapist, executive performance coach, and author of Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days. Twitter: @JonathanAlpert

    Jonathan Alpert is a psychotherapist, columnist, performance coach and author in Manhattan. As a psychotherapist, he has helped countless couples and individuals overcome a wide range of challenges and go on to achieve success. He discussed his results-oriented approach in his 2012 New York Times Opinion piece, “In Therapy Forever? Enough Already”, which continues to be debated and garner international attention. Alpert is frequently interviewed by major TV, print and digital media outlets and has appeared on the Today Show, CNN, FOX, and Good Morning America discussing current events, mental health, hard news stories, celebrities/politicians, as well as lifestyle and hot-button issues. He appears in the 2010 Oscar-winning documentary, Inside Job commenting on the financial crisis. With his unique insight into how people think and their motivations, Alpert helps clients develop and strengthen their brands. He has been a spokesperson for NutriBullet, Liberty Mutual insurance, and Enterprise Rent-A-Car. Jonathan’s 2012 book BE FEARLESS: Change Your Life in 28 Days has been translated into six languages worldwide. Alpert continues to provide advice to the masses through his, Huffington Post, and Thrive columns. @JonathanAlpert