You can’t write about curiosity and not talk about why it killed the cat. This old adage is a code, and, to many, a warning to “mind your own business.” But, as with vulnerability, our premise is that, without curiosity, you close yourself off to opportunity with all people except those who are quite similar to you. Without a mindset of openness to other viewpoints, you are unlikely to find any kind of middle ground from which to move forward with whomever holds that other viewpoint.
We’re not just spouting “kumbaya” nonsense here: research shows that curiosity is a significant driver of building tight-knit relationships. That is because curiosity not only leads to better responses and reactions to the kinds of self-disclosures … that are more common among curious people, but also because curious people tend to be more responsive to subtleties shared by others. These kinds of behaviors make relationship formation—especially when differences exist between two people—easier, faster, and more enjoyable.
It is easy to feel too often exhausted or too busy to be curious. Yet, curiosity actually can fuel us, give us the energy we need, and motivate us to develop further. Our belief is the more we orchestrate our lives and build purposeful community, the greater our ability will be to transform our society from one that is easily divided because of apathy into one of abundance, fueled by genuine curiosity.
One of David’s dad’s favorite shirts from the company Mental Floss has printed on it: “Apathy… I can take it or leave it.” That apathy is the antithesis of curiosity. Curiosity is an active mindset that combines empathy and inquisitiveness without judgment but with a desire to understand more than you currently do. It turns “others” into your community.
The curious cat, as the story goes, is relentless. It continues to play with a wild animal until that animal’s true (aggressive) nature rears up. It’s likely why we say cats have nine lives: they need them. But, want to know the true irony of this phrase? Most people aren’t curious enough to simply Google it, which would reveal that there is a second half to the quote that we typically miss: “but satisfaction brings it back.” This part of the quote implies that the challenges and the risk the cat took are ultimately worth it. The true risk, then, is in not leading with a curious mindset in the first place. Effective, purposeful communities work to tap into all the curiosity that children have.
Curiosity in Conversation
Think about how curiosity comes into play in your conversations with other people, especially people you are meeting for the first time. When we first wrote this chapter, we estimated, based on experience (i.e., not scientific analysis), that only around 30 percent of the conversations that we have entail the other person asking anything at all meaningful about us—as opposed to the other person simply talking or us simply asking questions about the other person.
You likely can recall particularly memorable conversations (especially first conversations) that you’ve had, because they, too, are so rare and so distinct. While finding common ground stems first and foremost from whether you choose to be vulnerable, so much of it comes down to moving past standard pleasantries and engaging with your conversation partner(s) with curiosity. Curious people ask questions, and they similarly thrive when asked a question that sends a signal that they were heard, or that we are about to have a real, optimally distinct conversation.
When it comes to connecting, particularly in the context of a burgeoning community, we think this is the point: having a conversation about something meaningful that brings purpose, depth, and possibly an outcome from that connection. Unfortunately, we—and scientific research—find this to be rare, despite its being the point of “putting yourself out there.” The same researchers who found that pleasure centers respond to talking about yourself also found that the research subjects were willing to forego (admittedly small) payments to answer questions about themselves. This was especially the case when they thought they were sharing that information with another person, as opposed to answering the questions privately! People love to talk about themselves.
Life-Changing Events
In interviewing dozens of Orchestrated Connecting community members for this book to learn more about “how they tick” and their thoughts on connecting and community, we were particularly surprised by one common experience. Nearly all of the roughly fifty people we initially spoke to mentioned a life event, often including a physical or emotional trauma, that was overcome (fully or partly) relatively early on in their lives.
First, it is worth having a definition of “trauma,” …..according to Dr. Paul Conti, a Stanford- and Harvard Medical School-trained psychiatrist and trauma expert, trauma is “something that overwhelms our coping skills and leaves us [as well as our behaviors and brain functioning] different as we move forward.” While we are not experts on determining what qualifies as a traumatic experience, to the people we spoke with, their experiences generally seemed to rise to this level.
Importantly, this was not something we asked about, nor was it something we were seeking.
Unwillingness to Be a Victim
There is a difference between someone who is a survivor and someone who is actively working to help others avoid or recover quickly from their trauma. The individuals we have found who take steps to help others regularly are innately curious about others. ….
Among the people who shared with us their experience with trauma and overcoming it, we typically heard an unwillingness amongst them to be a victim, or to act as a martyr. Unfortunately, we all have lived with, dated, or worked with people who have a martyr complex. And, while the foundations of many religions lay in self-sacrifice, the difference is between self-sacrifice for the greater good and for an individual want or desire.
The Resilient
Resilience is a strength borne of curiosity when put in the context of connection. It is a practice that allows you to bounce back from adversity and difficulty. Having the confidence in yourself to recover from adversity and thrive is inherently part of the growth that you undertake …. Fundamentally, these encompass physiological, safety, love and belonging, esteem needs—all of which lead to the top need of Maslow’s original hierarchy: self-actualization.
“Positive psychology,” introduced around the turn of the twenty-first century by psychologist Martin Seligman, is key to this. While self-actualization is the process of realizing your full potential through intense personal growth, self-transcendence creates a connection to something greater than yourself—note the connection to our definition of purpose. An abundance mindset, the purposeful practice of gratitude and curiosity, and a positive mentality are what can set you on the path to self-transcendence and help you build the skills you need to continue to grow past self-actualization.
This is what makes the strongest of us resilient, because our perspective isn’t only about our needs, our goals, or our challenges—it is also about the greater good. And it is why we argue that the inclusion of self-transcendence, stemming from curiosity, enables us to build what can truly create lasting change in our world: purposeful community.
What Killed Curiosity?
Our lack of curiosity about other perspectives, and the lack of work to find common ground, is harming our society. This isn’t about finding the right answer, though; it’s about finding others who want to learn, share, and grow together in their perspectives.
When you meet curious people, you realize that they somehow found ways to maintain this childlike quality while growing up. Whether it is something you’ve held onto since childhood, or you feel may have died, you can work to build (or rebuild) and maintain curiosity as part of a mentality that doesn’t have to accept the ways things “must be.” People with curiosity thrive, and they are also those parents who find ways to love life even with the challenges of parenting one or more small children. They make it work and find a balance because they operate with the same curious mindset they are seeking to instill. Later in life, that same curiosity may even help slow the aging process. Just in case you needed another motivation to be more curious.
Curiosity killed the cat because it assumed the risks weren’t worth it. A purposeful mindset changes this, and, if you remain vigilantly curious, you won’t need nine lives, because you will have one that allows you to maximize your potential and that of those around you, too.
Excerpted from Orchestrating Connection: How to Build Purposeful Community in a Tribal World – August 5, 2025 by Noah Askin (Author), David Homan (Author)