Most of us don’t see relationships in a constructive way and that’s why they can become so detrimental to us. We do tend to take more than we give in romantic relationships, and that’s because we’re not actually ready for it.

Being single isn’t easy, and it often leaves us alone with our insecurities.That’s probably why many of us jump from one relationship to another: we find it too hard to be left alone facing our own demons. So we look for someone to give us love, and comfort, and security but all of this is like a smoke screen. It’s just a way to escape: it sedates us for a while, and we kind of bury our own insecurities for a moment. But the issue is that it actually prevents us from doing the healing work that is needed on our part because we become blinded with attachment. We flee our own responsibilities to make ourselves happy because we don’t know how, so we look for someone to do it for us instead. And it ends in tears and shouts because we realize that the other one is actually unable to heal us or make our pain go away.

When we don’t allow ourselves to do the work on those troubled parts, we become needy, clingy, addicted: the other person becomes our ‘fix’, our ‘addiction satisfier’ and they relieve us temporarily from our own burden. We become dependent.

Relationships are not meant to heal: healing implies there is a wound and I don’t think that romantic love can heal any wound. I think it’s supposed to make us grow into the best version of ourselves. We often say “they make me feel like a better person”. Not in the sense that we aren’t good enough on our own, but that suddenly someone starts to tap into hidden strengths that we didn’t explore before. They bring out the best in us. That’s what growth is all about.

It’s not an easy journey though. Growth means that we must be challenged on our beliefs and vision of the world so that we can transform. It’s hard and we need to be ready for it, which means to be clear and comfortable with who we are now (with all our imperfections and pain — that’s where self-love and compassion comes into play ?) and be willing to give (love, time, energy).But we can’t be lost or helpless in our pain, or we won’t be able to see beyond it nor to tap into our hidden potential. We can’t give up on our capacity to heal ourselves as individuals. A partner is not a therapist, nor a savior: no relationship can give us that.

Now, it’s definitely unrealistic to expect anyone to have all their suffering sorted out before they can actually be in a relationship. But it’s about raising the awareness of what the purpose of a relationship is, and what it is not so that we can help ourselves to experience romance in a healthier, less dependent way.

To me, a lasting relationship comes from a willingness to learn from each other & grow together from one level of consciousness to another. But growth implies challenge which requires courage to support ourselves in the process so that we don’t break along the way. It is also a willingness to see, to tolerate our fears and insecurities and not be overwhelmed by them. Finally, it is an ability to give. To love is to share energy, and this energy is found within: if our heart is depleted, there’s no way we can give anything.

So why do you want a relationship? What is the true reason for you to want someone in your life? Is it more a question of receiving or do you feel ready to give? Is there anything that is lacking in your life that you are looking to make up for? Or is it because you want to feel supported? Successful relationships start with understanding our motives for wanting someone in our lives in the first place. Sometimes when things don’t seem to work we believe that we are the problem when actually, it’s just a matter of expectations.

And when we start to challenge our beliefs, our perspective begins to shift and that’s when the magic really happens.

Image courtesy of Unsplash