Sometimes, for literally no reason at all, I contemplate blocking every friend I have off of social media, or deleting the accounts entirely.

Making friends, and maintaining friendships feels really stressful at times, and I don’t have a logical explanation as to why.

There are times when I want everyone to message me and be around people, and there are times when I want to disappear from society completely and fantasize about moving away to somewhere where I can’t be reached by anyone.

And I know this is frustrating for others because people love consistency and routine when it comes to friendships, and I just can’t offer that at times. So even on the days I would prefer to spend time with others, I don’t message anyone because I don’t think it is really fair to pull out last minute if I get anxious, or to talk for hours one day and disappear for three more after that.

And I worry others will take it personally, because it doesn’t really make any sense.

Sometimes I post on social media for the sake of starting a conversation I might want to have with some of my friends, and the comments and messages I get feel great, but then the next day, or maybe a few hours later, I get super anxious and delete all of the posts and take the app off of my phone.

It is hard because I want to be myself around people, but I change every day, and I am worried the version of myself I am today is not what they were looking for or expecting of me, so I prefer to just be alone.

But then I have a few friends who support everything I do, they always call me to check in, and they like every post, they never criticize me, and they are super supportive over everything I do, and those are the very same people that I don’t want to message. Because I do want to message them, but I don’t because I feel too stressed to learn to grow a healthy friendship with them without disappearing, or feeling stressed if they disappear, or wonder when I am overstepping a line when it comes to oversharing from my own life, or when I might be under sharing for the fear of coming across as gossipy, or complaining. It almost feels too good to be true when someone supports you as you are, so I almost don’t want to get too close for the fantasy to burst.

Friendships are frustrating and complicated but at the same time I am so grateful for them and I think about the people who I know are my true friends a lot but I just also don’t want to message them and it doesn’t even make any sense to explain it.

I also fear, if I feel the slightest inflection in their voice, a passive-aggressive remark, criticism, etc. that I will start to snowball into self-doubt and fear that I just messed it up, or this person doesn’t actually like me that much at all, or that they might like a version of myself that I present that might not fully represent me and my feelings today.

And then there are the people who I actually did have bad experiences with and had to block/ outgrow, and I think back to them and how I blamed myself for not seeing the red flags sooner.

I then worry that if I care too much what a specific friend thinks, I might not be able to grow, because in a way, when someone states they are your friend to the world, they are kind of implying they like you and what you represent, but what if I change in a way they don’t like? And I outgrow people or they outgrow me? Then what?

And then I watch the movies and celebrities that talk about their betrayal from friends, and it stresses me out.

And dating is even worse but I am not even going to get into the trust issues around that.

It just feels frustrating because it is hard to find people who understand you.

This isolation period was almost extremely relieving and equally terrifying.

And I am terrified for it to end, just as much as I am excited.

I liked having to stay isolated. In a weird way, it felt nice to know I wasn’t missing out on anything. But now, FOMO, anxiety, making plans, worrying about the future, those thoughts are creeping up on me, and soon, it’s going to become a reality. And I am equally excited as I am terrified.

These are all much smaller issues compared to other issues in the world today, and still it is these thoughts that plague me as I move forward and prepare to embrace the new norm I know I must be ready for, when I fear I am not.

And the thing is, I am not writing this for a solution. In fact, I don’t necessarily feel like I am going to change the way I am, at least not right now, concerning this specific topic.

I feel I have to kill an old version of myself, but I am just not ready, and yet, I know I have no choice, because I am miserable in this place. I need to move forward and out of this funk. I expect to soon, but it takes a lot of strength that I am using up in other ways right now.

This said, I am planning on de-activating my accounts soon. Because in a world without friends, I am the most true to myself. And yet also the most lost as to who I am.