Recently, I’ve read an article of Ma’am Celestine Chua about the Root Cause of Fear. I have learnt an excellent idea that the ROOT of the PROBLEM must be ridden of first to solve the problem so that it won’t keep on coming back. This is connected to improving ourselves. We can’t just move forward without addressing the TRUE problem. We can possibly make an improvement but eventually we would fall back to our base-self. To make a lasting and fulfilling change and improvement, we must first understand and study the roots why we became who we are today.

The present you is the product of your past from your family relationship, relationship with others, the environment you grown up, the people you’ve been with, the beliefs you made for yourself, and the personality you created for yourself. Just recently, I’ve decided to study for who I am today, why do I act and react the way I do today and why is that my mindset is like this.

To understand WHY I am who I am today, I do the backtrack by reminiscing my past experiences , including the emotions and beliefs I held on those days, from my childhood and teenage life.

Today, I am silent, I just want to be alone, I don’t socialize much because I am afraid to be rejected, I think of myself as boring and lack of knowledge of life. The worst, I feel I know nothing in life because of the reasons such as I do not know how to swim, sing well, talk well with people, never travel and go out with friends, can’t identify the names of liquors, know nothing about restaurants, ride a bike, play sports, cook, bake bread and cakes, play an instrument, public speaking, and no worthwhile experience to share. I feel useless and worthless. I am like this right now , know nothing, because of my self-prophecy I made before which restrain me on learning things.

Here’s the backtrack,

In my childhood, I was genuinely happy and it never came to my mind on thinking what others think about me. All I just I wanted is to play and play more with my friends. I used to trust people and never made a judgment about them, what I could only see was their positive sides. I was innocent, kind, joyful, loving, positive, friendly, and caring.

In my teenage days, very opposite of my childhood, because of my curiousness, I explore some things which were so useless such as simultaneously having 5-10 boyfriends on phone, facebook, and texting all day with unknown individuals . Subsequently, I made a false prophecy about myself. I created my own beliefs about myself which could never give a benefit on me. Because of those prophecies, I missed the exploring, the fun and joy of being young with friends, trying of new things, and learning. I missed the opportunity of building a strong relationship with others. I know them and they know me but we don’t have an actual strong bond.

I also grew up with a broken family, not really broken like separated parents, actually my parents were together but they had an incessant fights everyday and my father cheated on my mother and this caused my siblings to not respect my father. I grew with no peace of mind and strong bond with my family but despite all of these, my family are good people. I am so grateful that I have them.

After recalling my past, I’ve gained more understanding of myself. Today, I gain consciousness in every thoughts, actions, and reactions I am making. It’s now easy for me to make a change and improvement. Anyway, I found this way as easiest for me to pinpoint the causes. This method does not apply to everyone so find what suits you to successfully identify your own roots. And, after you identify them, slowly kill them by changing the way you think, act , and react to be the person you want to be.