By Lily Sanders

Unlocking the Myths about Domestic Violence

There is an enigmatic mystery behind why some men hit and why some women stay. On a personal level, many people have asked me what drove my ex-husband to such violence. The problem is that the language we have been taught since birth has clouded the truth for generations upon generations.  I will clear up the misconceptions that most have learned growing up, and as result have latched onto these beliefs as truth. As I have come to discover why some men hit and why some women stay, within the schoolroom of life, I will answer your curious question through experience and not vocabulary. 

Myth Buster #1- It Takes Two to Tango

Your belief system tells you it takes two to tango. This is not why some men hit and why some women stay and I will explain why. In my human experience, what I have learned is that most humans operate as computers. When the system malfunctions, or runs slow, you either blame the internet service, or fear that you have a virus and may crash.  However, you never see yourself beyond the hardware and the software. You hook up, you download and upload, you store data, delete data, back up files, and then one day you crash. 

In like manner, when this happens to someone who has very heavy emotional pain from past experiences in their energy field, your abuser will take down everything and everyone with them. What’s more, all of the things that seemed important and critical in life vanish and not a single loving person in their world can re-boot them.  Under those circumstances, everything that has been stored in your abusers brain eventually crash, and the entire way down they blame, accuse, misuse, abuse and torment the very person that has loved them all along. 

The Problem

Likewise, this is the cause for many people’s addictions to alcohol, pain killers, recreational drugs, and even violence. They are all forms used to mask their pain. The problem is that it will only numb their pain temporarily, and the rubber band affect worsens. Hence, once your abuser snaps back to a somewhat conscious state of mind, they don’t know how to exist in their own skin, because they’re so identified with this unrecognized pain. In effect, their mind keeps telling them they are in danger, and so they keep up the addictions, and the bouts of anger and violence become heightened for fear of losing power and control.

Imprints are stamped on you when you as a young child growing up, as a result of your parents raising you and the environment given. As a result, your behavior can mirror and match those same familiar patterns and the cycle continues. In light of this, an abuser requires no reason or provoking from you in order to get angry or act out in violence, hence, it does not take two to tango. They have plenty of reason all on their own, wrapped up in a package in their mind called pandemonium. Coupled with the abuser running on just their thoughts, with ego as their master, they behave as a crashing computer does. Coincidentally, they see no other choice because they are not hooked up to the main server. 

In addition, they have forgotten the source in which they have come into this world from and so, the connection is lost. By no means, however, does this suggest you should become a victim of such behavior and violence. Your body was designed to be loved, and is programmed in the womb before the human mind ever forms. The problem is that as you grow in your human experience, society adjusts your body to fearful conditioned mind patterns. 

However, you have the innate ability to connect to the source you came from. In doing so, you can navigate life in the physical world and have harmonious outcomes. Your body is designed to dance with the love so you can allow joy to enter. As a result, dance is supposed to bring you joy.  Hence, anything other than this is not love.     

Myth Buster #2- Make-Up Sex

Second, there is a belief taught in society today is that the victim and their abuser are turned on by make-up sex and is a gross misconception. For most of my marriage I never turned my husband down for sex because I feared disappointing him. Understandably, the enjoyment of it was gone and it was more of a submissive act. Let’s pretend that you are served lamb chops all year, and really enjoy the tenderness. Then one day you see the chef out back and he is slaughtering the little young intelligent lamb by stunning it. The method of stunning for the slaughtering of lambs and sheep is done worldwide.  It involves the use of electric paddles placed on the animal’s head, a shock given which results in convulsions in the lamb, and subsequently becomes unconscious, which is by no means effective or humane. Therefore, no sense of human-ness is present in this act. Next, you see the chef slit its throat open in order to sever the arteries and the animal is bled out. An hour later, chef comes in with this beautifully cooked lamb chop on a dish. So, I ask you, “Would you want to eat it?”

What I found is that the continuum of unloving acts in a relationship creates a gulf between two, and the physical loving that was once there, can no longer exist. It cannot exist because physical loving is always an expression that honors love and love cannot house hate. You cannot hit and name call one minute, and expect to be on cloud nine with your victim a few hours later. The very idea of that concept is pure madness. In like manner, this deranged thinking is not only a complete dis-connect, but is also a form of mental illness which goes undiagnosed in many abusers.

Love does not have a beginning and an end. It is not an act of doing that only takes place in the bedroom and on command. Love is a state of being, and when you honor love, it follows through to a physical loving. When your relationship is void of honor outside of the bedroom, love making becomes less desirable, and in my experience has never been used as a ‘make-up’ tactic. In actuality, instead of feeling loved, you feel bemused, and disoriented. While lost in thought throughout the physical experience, you can suffer emotionally because of it. Sometimes that confusion will linger for days, while your abuser exhibits no sign of confusion whatsoever.

Myth Buster #3 – Victims Want To Suffer

Thirdly, there is a misconception that people stay with their abuser because deep down, they want to suffer. Again, this is another gross misconception. The truth is, some women stay because they have been repeatedly abused over time and as a result, develop learned helplessness. However, no one chooses to be on some endless journey to suffer. In fact, a battered wife’s internal desire for peace dwarfs most others.

If you resonate with this, there are solutions. You have the ability to break the mold and end the destructive patterns that are stopping you and your children from living your best life. I understand the confusion and loss of dignity, because as a domestic violence survivor, I’ve been there. You start to believe what your abuser tells you, and you latch onto your own negative thoughts as well. This is because you have not yet recognized patterns of thought as an illusion, so you can’t see a way out. As a result, you keep drowning in an ocean of helplessness.

Additionally, as a battered wife you are typically alienated from family and friends, and have mastered the secret well. So, your quest for help becomes an uphill battle. This is a common occurrence of thought in an influential household because you feel that no one will ever believe you. As this may be true, it does not stop you from coming into the light and reaching out to someone. So, you choose to live behind a veil of silence until you can no longer stand the suffering, or are found dead and on the front headlines of the News. 

The Solution

On the other hand, when you are ready for the shift into awareness and the remembrance of love, your awakening will birth peace. I can attest as a survivor and have thrived in spite of my situation. My past experiences became teachers, and I trust that you can learn apply this to your own unique situation. In fact, it is not the unhappy story you are relating to, rather the understanding that many of us around the globe share your experience, and so, pain it is not your individual burden. You can find peace and a sense of love and belonging, because this is the definition of shared compassion.

Your experiences are not your life, and they do not define you. The recognition of this can help you discover who you are, which will always bring you back home. And when I speak of home, I speak of love. Love is the core of your being, where the infinite love and light wraps you with wisdom and power, and is innate. This is your gift and can never be taken from you. Additionally, there is no amount of shame, fear, regret, or disappointment that can take it from you either.  You have done nothing wrong, and every decision made, and every experience you had is what brought you to this moment, and is your invitation to awaken.

I can attest to the lie of family imprints. The apple does fall far from the tree for those who see that they are so more than an apple. If your mind is powerful enough to manifest harm, than it is certainly powerful enough to manifest harmony. You have the innate ability to choose the creations you wish to experience. What you cognize you become, and the vision you see of yourself is completely responsible for making your dreams or nightmares a reality.     

I honor your presence in reading this blog today, and look forward to your amazing expansion. If you or someone you know are ready to take the shift, I encourage you to make your exit plan now! 


  • Lily Sanders

    Author, Speaker, Domestic Violence Expert

    Lily Sanders is an award winning Author, Speaker, and Domestic Violence Expert. Lily is repeatedly awarded one of the 10 Top Coaching Experts in NYC and is a certified Master Coach. Her book “Truth to Triumph” was recently awarded "Distinguished Favorites" in NYC Big Book Awards 2021. Lily’s mission is to show women how to identify the destructive cycles and patterns in their life and break the mold for positive generational change. She has been featured by USA Today, Dr. Laura, Beliefnet, Thrive Global, Zoosk,, Love&Harmony, Hitched, and Parenting Bookmark. Follow Lily on FB, YouTube, Twitter, and Instagram. Download her FREE eBook “Soul Bread” and benefit from daily affirmations that feed the soul. For more powerful insight subscribe and enjoy her Podcast, "Beyond the Current Situation". Follow Lily on FB, YouTube, Twitter, and Instagram.