Denial Denial Denial!

“How will you travel back home, aunt”? My niece asked me, unswervingly.

I looked at her vehemently, straight in the eye and replied, honey! Your car is spacious; take mummy, granny, and other four family members’ home, while Richard drives the rest, to their destination.

She returns with a no-nonsense facial appearance, “You know what? It is my car, and the road is rough, my car is going to ‘get hurt’ above all, I’ve not fully owned it yet nevertheless my bank account will still have a ‘knock’ deducting my hard earned cash at the end of the month. I am still paying for it – Let them board a vehicle to Amsterdam.” My niece drove off.

Who is a People-Pleaser?

Take this reflection, how would you judge my niece? What kind of judgment would that be? Imagine, yourself being Pontius Pilate. You remember the story of Jesus before Pontius Pilate & Herod Antipas, Right! Would she be a spoilt child before the jury? Would the case turn against her? Is she too selfish, not generous, egotistical or proud? Huh! She is not. She is not a People-Pleaser. Why is it so?

Here we go!

Why is She is not a People-Pleaser?

People – pleasers are people who will always deny the inner self in the essence of others. They still prefer attending to others as a priority. For example, many women in our households are pleasers. You would hear her say, “Food is ready, come on, come and dine.” She lays everything on the table and realizes the food is insufficient. Then mummy says, “I am full, am not hungry.”

It is awful! She is trying to please others. What would it cost in sharing that amount of food you have at that moment? Hey! Who said pleasing others; is generosity?

Is it hard for you to say No?

Many relationships will always turn out to be unhealthy because we do not live our lives – we live to please others. Why would you take your car on a rough road be damaged, bearing in mind the wear and tear syndrome, in the essence of pleasing others? Firstly, it is her car and does what is best, what suits her. She knows better the state of her car, and realizes the Upside-down on a Loan, itched when the loan deducts. – Do not sabotage yourself! Or else you are in denial.

You are too generous!

Generosity is sharing what you have, open-handedness, in a genuinely healthy manner regardless of the kind response that might turn out to be. It means having a healthy self-regard – the sharing of the inexhaustible done in a wise methodology – You contend with the giving. You are meek to others but you give yourself the priority, BUT you do not rely on people’s approval. You decide to give, yes, but have thought of yourself first. It is a good giveaway.

A People – Pleasing person will always try to go beyond the norm. Pleasing to either attain fame, not to offend others and the desire to be approved by others. A person who is a Pleaser will always be remorseful and will take the blame for others. This person does not have any set boundaries. A people Pleaser does not have limits; this person’ boundary becomes controlled by other people’s feeling – taken advantage. The main issue here is to please people, doing what they want and not what is right.

You are not yourself. Too much, sacrifice.

Many arguments tend to deplete someone’s ego, and in the end, People Pleasers tend to take the blame. Not because the mess was theirs, but it is because they feel that, the argument should not go on. They think that the other person might get offended – so better carry the cross. Why is it so? It is a habit of those people who like making others happy forgetting about themselves. They take the blame on their shoulders. They do not want to admit that they can disappoint someone. They are quick to end an argument without finding a solution. They would say, “It is okay, let us end it, I am to blame.” These are Pleasers.

You are not a decision maker – Someone has to decide for you.

The People Pleasing syndrome takes toll of one’s life. This person cannot have his or her stand. Someone has to decide for them. Decision-making requires a second and even third party. Even the tiniest of his/her decisions would need a backup. It is a “what would they say if” scenario.

Are you one of them? Turn around. This kind of person will not attain any goal being in this state. It is a horrible lifestyle. No! None can reach even the ‘goal line’ being in such a situation.

How do you get out of this People – Pleasing habit?

  • By building confidence in yourself day by day will make you reach the sky. You will be able to say No when others least expect. You will be free from being in that ‘control room.’ It is a destructive cycle.
  • Learn how to accept defeat and welcome arguments. Negativity from other people is part of a lifestyle. You cannot please everybody.
  • Avoid being an abusive relationship. That coldness in your relationship will mentally affect your wellbeing. You can start again if things go haywire. Many people suffer from previous relationships and end up losing their self-esteem.

Now, relate to the above-said behavior.

  • My niece drove off; she gave herself the priority not to please others. Time was running, and she had a meeting to attend. Attending the conference was paramount. She is not a People-Pleaser.
  • Mummy is a People-Pleaser. She is too generous but has an unhealthy generosity. She cannot admit that the food is insufficient – fearing to hurt ‘loved ones.’ She has turned out to be a People-Pleaser.

Why should you find a middle ground at the disposal of your values? Why compromise? No one is perfect, and people should not negotiate on your costs. Who said that validation could be put to the test – to pass a concrete decision? That requires your “self-solution.”
Know your self-worth. Let us not redefine love; please yourself first then the rest will be number two. Pleasing is not being kind.

“Maturity is learning to walk away from people and situations that threaten your peace of mind, self-respect, values, morals or self-worth.” Anonymous

Has it reached the peak? Are you in denial? Kindly visit a therapist for more help to build up your approach towards decision making. It will be back to normalcy. Let us enlighten ourselves on how to build our mental strength.

“When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier.” Roy E. Disney