You Are Enough!

I began writing a book in January 2018 called You Are Enough: 5 Steps To Move From Struggle To Strength.  I had no idea where my book would go and if people even cared to read what I had to say. However,  I was in the midst of such personal turmoil and heartbreak that writing for me was a way of processing all of my hurt.  

There came a point where I stopped writing my book because I was going through a lot of personal drama, and was definitely not feeling like I was enough. I was questioning myself about writing a book covering this particular topic when I felt like a fraud, when I felt so sad, so heartbroken, and devastated. So, I stopped for about a month.

But then… one of my girlfriends Jacquelyn came to the rescue. While visiting from out of town, she dragged my grief-stricken soul out for dinner. In a modestly-crowded restaurant, I found a seat at the bar, and noticed an older gentleman nursing his drink beside me. Poor guy had no idea what he was in for when he asked me how I was doing that night. Yes, I completely… verbally… vomited all over him.

After he picked his jaw up off of the floor from having endured my heartfelt, but very real story about Mr. N, he said to me:

This is the best time to write your book. You are hurt, confused, and lost. You are questioning every decision you have made in the last five years and you are using the tools you have been giving to your clients in order to get back on track. People want to hear your story. Your struggles. Your triumphs.

I met Mr. N at age 34 when I moved to California and joined the Air Force as an officer. We had a whirlwind of a romance and it progressed very quickly. That was the first red flag, but I was so wrapped up in how much he loved and adored me, that I ignored my intuition and fell deeply in love with him. I was so excited about our future together.

We began dating in October 2012, and were engaged five months later on Valentine’s Day 2013. We got married in October of the same year. Our wedding was in Napa, California, and it was to say the least, absolutely perfect. A fairy tale. Even though everything moved so fast with meeting him, the engagement, and exchanging our nuptials all within a year, I just couldn’t believe I had finally found the one I would spend the rest of my life with.

I am not implying that meeting someone and getting married within 12 months is a bad thing. However, I ignored so many red flags through our courtship. Red flags I now kick myself for not paying attention to. Through my work in therapy, I came to the realization that Mr. N was a complete “narcissist.” And on a side note, to answer your questions that are dancing in the back of your mind right now, yes, I am a therapist and yes, I, too, go to therapy. 

Now back to Mr. N. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the following is the definition of a narcissist: “an individual showing symptoms of or suffering from narcissism: such as an extremely self-centered person who has an exaggerated sense of self-importance.”

One moment I think I’m living the life of my dreams. I had fallen in love. I finally found the “one.” The one person with whom I could enjoy my dream life. Keep in mind, Mr. N was a guy who called every day, sent flowers weekly, planned romantic getaways, and was so thoughtful and understanding about everything. After our first week- end date, he told me he loved me. He came into town just to see me every other weekend, as he was living in Texas at the time. In just a few weeks period of time, we were head over heels in love and I thought, “This must be my soul mate!”

Things were going so well, and this person seemed to be everything I could’ve ever hoped for. He seemed to know exactly how to make me feel loved and how to fulfill my every need. Life was won- derful. Everything was perfect!

This is what I dealt with for the last five years of my life. Mr. N, who used to “adore me like no other,” made me begin to believe I was “never good enough.” I was blamed for all of the problems in the relationship, no matter how much I tried to explain, prove, fix things, or justify myself.

I can’t tell you how many times Mr. N told me how wrong I was, how bad I was, and how it was all my fault. He would tell me if it wasn’t for the fact that I had trust issues from my childhood that he wouldn’t have had to lie to me. He actually believed that. He said the affair was my fault. If I wouldn’t have been dealing with my own anger, he wouldn’t have cheated on me. My personality flaws. My anger issues.

I remember this one time he left on his lunch break. It started off as not being a big deal at all. Very innocent. People run errands on lunch breaks, and even grab a bite to eat as that time is intended for. Nevertheless, I just casually asked him if he had gone out to lunch that day. He said he didn’t. Again, no big deal. Later that same day, I found a receipt that made it clear that he had gone to Best Buy. I questioned him about leaving for lunch. He lied about the date stamp on the receipt saying the cash register must have been wrong. Why lie about something so trivial and ridiculous? There were constant instances like this that motivated me to play the role of a private investigator in my own relationship. I started snooping after I caught him in several lies.

He blocked me on Instagram and from our computer a few months into being married, and I never regained access. This reaction was in response to my questioning him about the women on his Instagram and inappropriate private messages he was sending them. He had the nerve to call me crazy—when, in fact, I started seeing these patterns and lies with his actions and words. I became hypervigilant. He let me know that I couldn’t tell him who he could and couldn’t be “friends” with. Everything was a lie or some form of manipulation.

He went on about how my issues, past, family, personality, lack of caring, lack of integrity, lack of love, lack of communication, or lack of honesty is the exact reason why he behaved the way he did.

As I said earlier, I spent a lot of time researching and learning about narcissism. There were many points during this journey where I cried and thought, “This could not be him! How could I have fallen in love with a narcissist?”

What I discovered is that Mr. N had a very serious issue within his neuropath ways. They were split and fractured from the design of his true self. His inner programs were so corrupted by his false self that he was full of self-loathing. He had to project and target his fractured parts onto people in his life that were closest to him. Unfortunately, I was the bullseye. He aimed his insecurities towards me.

Basically, the people that judge, attack, and criticize the most are deeply unhappy with their own inner being. This is what a narcissist does, but does so to the extreme. That is why Mr. N was never happy. He would idealize me, devalue me, and finally discard me. After some time had passed, he would be back in my life doing exactly the same thing. It was a cycle that continued for years.

Mr. N would discard me like I was garbage in a trash bin, as there was nothing else that he could “gain” from being with me. He emp- tied me out all the way to absolute nothingness. He would also discard me when a fresher source of “narcissistic supply” came along, which included attention from “beautiful” sources, accolades, resources, con- tacts, and even sex.

Although I was often treated as discarded waste, I somehow dou- bled as his security blanket. Mr. N continued to hang on to me despite our marital status and his infidelities. It was like I was shielding him from the abrasive coldness of the world and comforting him as needed.

In 2016, a month before our divorce was final, he met another woman, moved her into our home (I was living by myself at this time) and began creating another life that I literally had no clue about. Remember when I said earlier that after the divorce he would only come to my house or meet me in public? Well this was why. And yes you’ve guessed it; she was the same woman who he gave the new wheels to on Cupid’s Day 2 years ago. Our divorce was not even final yet! Nevertheless, he kept love bombing me. He would contact me. Buy flowers. Be affectionate. Look into my eyes. And like the perpetually hopeful woman that I was, I would continue to see him and talk to him and literally had no idea he had a second life.

Mr. N continued to tell me that he made the biggest mistake of his life with having an affair and divorcing me. He pleaded that he wanted to make it right with me. But each plea bargain attempt was filled with empty words, as he was living with another girl at the time. Again, at this point, I had no idea that this other woman existed, let alone even knowing her name. She was some faceless “Jane Doe.” His actions never backed up his words.

It wasn’t until Feb 2018—two years after our divorce—that I learned everything. Absolutely everything. When she moved in. How long they had been together. The intimate things he would say to her, which “coincidentally” were the same things he would say to me. And, oh the horrible things he said to her about me. Horrible untruths that made it appear that he was being victimized by me.

I was beyond traumatized. I felt empty and damaged. Oftentimes I had no idea how I was going to continue. It is honestly so difficult to accurately describe how this cycle of abuse felt and the destruction it caused me. Finding out about an ex-wife of his that I didn’t know about and how he conveniently failed to tell me about beneficiary commitments he had with her. I could not believe what I had become. How did I allow myself to fall into his abuse?

The bandage I had put on my deep wounds from his affair and the divorce was violently ripped off again. There I was holding a bleed- ing heart and my life in my hands—way beyond what any bandage could contain. I lost property, money, connections, my health, and my self-esteem. Yet, Mr. N held on to me, and I fell for his love bombing ploys. It became painfully obvious that Mr. N, despite pledging his love, would never be accountable and change his behavior.

Mr. N blamed me for contacting the other girl. He blamed me for “outing” him about his double life. He ran to her. Tried to fix things with her. He stopped all communication with me. He never once apologized. The last email I received from him was on February 15, 2018. The email was cruel, blaming, and down-right horrifying! It was something to the effect of, “I never want to see you again. You ruined my life.”

It was all downhill from there. I was so confused and hurt.

I realized Mr. N—who I thought was my dream come true—is, in fact, my worst possible nightmare. I realized that this was the end. There was no going back. This realization made the trauma even more unbearable. My faith in life felt shattered. I wondered how I would ever trust again. I felt more powerless and helpless than I had ever felt before.

I literally was right where I was when I initially learned about his affair three years prior. I found myself having to re-engage in my 5-Step System that I had developed for my clients. I felt so worthless, uncared for, and so not good enough. This is why I made the com- mitment to continue to write my book, even during one of the most devastating times in my life.

I ruminated over so many self-sabotaging thoughts and questions, such as how would I ever get free from the obsessional thought loop about the utter cruelty, contempt, and trauma I endured? How do I ever regain trust, belief in myself, and self-confidence when it was all taken away from me? How was I going to find closure?

Honestly, I came to a realization that I was never going to get the full closure I truly wanted. I couldn’t cognitively get closure from this, which is very normal after what I experienced. This is something that virtually every person who has been through this type of abuse does not fully recover from. My belief in my own humanity was altered in such a way that I danced with evil and it scarred me for life.

Did Mr. N ever apologize? Did Mr. N ever repay the money and property he ripped away from me? Did Mr. N ever go around to his family, friends, and networks, where he smeared my image, to fess up to his lies?

No, of course not.

Has Mr. N been held accountable or been brought to justice? No, and honestly it doesn’t matter. I couldn’t think my way into closure. If I would have stayed in my head, I know I would be dead right now from the trauma [within] that was eating away at me. I probably would be institutionalized and/or heavily medicated without a doubt.

I used to believe that I could not have closure until he was brought to justice, or at least until he apologized for all the destruction he created in my life. I quickly learned that these things would never get me closure.

My therapist would ask if it would make a difference to me if Mr. N would contact me to apologize. I would have to really think about the question. On the surface, it always felt like something that I would want. But I would constantly remind myself that it truly did not matter because I would have never believed what would have come out of his mouth. Even if he apologized, I would have known that his apology would not have been genuine.

Now I have to admit, there were many times over the course of our relationship that I allowed my anger to overcome me, and I would yell at him. Our fights would be intense and downright dirty. You see, I have always struggled with anger issues due to childhood trauma I endured. I have worked for years learning how to control my anger outbursts, but it was so incredibly difficult to control my anger when the man that I loved—my husband lied to me. Cheated. Divorced me. And kept stringing me along for two more years while he chose to fall in love with another woman.

I take full responsibility for my actions. My anger hurt him. I get it. I have acknowledged this. I have even gone so far as to apologize and have asked for forgiveness each time this occurred. But my apol- ogies over the years did not excuse his negative behaviors, actions, and decisions. Mr. N would often use my anger outbursts as the rea- sons he had an affair, divorced me, and lied to me, but I knew that was just his way of not taking responsibility. If I was such a monster, like he made me out to be, he would have never ever kept me in his life for all of these years.

So what did I do to find closure? I began working my 5-Step System. During this process I was able to identify and focus on three little words to help me gain closure: Release. Your. Trauma. I had to get the trauma out of my inner being. The trauma that caused me to hurt continuously and kept me stuck was prohibiting me from moving for- ward. It was stopping my well-being in all areas of life.

I learned that my closure has nothing to do with him. Rather, it has absolutely everything to do with me. I truly believe that whatever unfolds for Mr. N is all in perfect and divine order because he has his own life that has nothing to do with me. What does have everything to do with me is my life. My unfolding and my inner being.

The only reason I learned how to release the trauma was by being brought to my knees by this abuse with nowhere else to go. The trauma that I held onto for over five years caused my life to be unsettled and unstable. I effectively managed it at times. However, it often resur- faced as depression, anxiety, and insecurities. I had to work hard to soothe it, almost like a colicky baby, but these traumas were always there–crying and whining for attention.

My life was like quicksand. Getting out and falling back in. It was beyond exhausting. The more trauma I accumulated through- out the five years of the relationship with Mr. N, the more I had to fight and work harder to not be engulfed in that quicksand. My entire existence became personal development as a total necessity in order to be sane.

When the last brutal discord occurred between Mr. N and me, I had no more ability to soothe internal trauma. I could no longer manage it. There was nothing more I could do, except to release the trauma. To get rid of the dirty and awful toxicity that was left inside of me. This included going back to therapy. Before, I was trying to heal on my own. This is also the time that I started writing this book. I sold my wedding ring. I started dreaming again. I began taking personal development courses. It was time for me to finally free myself. To begin picking up the pieces and moving forward. There was nothing left for me to do, but to stand back up, take that first step, and to begin my journey from struggle to strength!

Once I began re-engaging in the 5-Steps that moved me from strug- gle to strength, I was able to find closure. I was released from being an anxious, traumatized, powerless, depressed, PTSD-ridden woman to being an expanded, healthy, and prosperous one.

It may sound like a total fluke to have complete closure after what I went through. Suffering from complete destruction in every part of my life… losing everything I worked so hard to accomplish within 30+ years. Losing the love of my life—my dream life! Filing for bankruptcy, all while Mr. N walked away with what had been mine. Nevertheless, I finally got closure. I am finally able to say again that I am enough. And I 100% truly believe it!