You fall in love with the person who is your energetic match, that perfect someone who embodies the best and the worst of what is familiar to you.

If there is pain buried within you (and there is), you will be drawn to just the person or situation that will bring that pain to the surface. You do this because you are wise. You want to heal what hurts.

It really is just the way the saying goes: you cannot heal what you cannot feel. That doesn’t mean that you stick around for abuse of any kind, but it does mean that you own why you were drawn to this person or that situation in the first place.

You own what uncomfortable or downright scary feelings are brought to the surface in your dynamic with this person. Because that moment of feeling emotionally triggered is a holy opportunity to heal something that is stuck and frozen in your energy system.

Unfortunately, we are all so entrenched in duality that we immediately go to work trying to heal what hurts inside by attempting to hand someone else a manual for how they must treat us — how they must change so we don’t have to feel this inner pain. The manual is often a very far cry from who they naturally are. This becomes a life-sucking endeavor and more often that not it ends in a feeling of defeat and despair — both for you and for the person you are trying to change.

Until you wake up.

Until the day you realize that the wound this person poked at with their behavior is old. Very old. Very tender and very much in need of love and attention. But not their attention and love. Your attention and love. Well, okay, it’s very nice if they want to participate in the healing, holding and loving.

But your healing simply cannot depend on someone else’s willingness to love you and change for you.

To heal what hurts depends solely on your willingness to love you. To be present with what hurts within you. To identify what is really happening inside when you are triggered and let the messenger off the hook as soon as possible so you can get to work on the real issue. The frozen, pained place within you that contracted into what we in yoga call a negative samskara: an energetic groove that plays out a painful script in your life, again and again.

You must learn to differentiate between the current messenger (the person who triggers you today) and the original culprit (the person or situation that hurt you ages ago) and the Divine Spirit within you, the eternal you, that is completely intact and has the love power to heal the soul wound so it need not play out with anyone ever again.

This is how you really heal what hurts. This is true emotional freedom. This gives you choice. You will no longer be compulsively attracted to people and circumstances that play out in predictable and painful ways. You will own the moment of being triggered. You will learn to feel the energetic location of the trigger and you will learn to stay present and non-reactive.

If you resonate with the above, you are not alone. While it may not be in romantic relationships that everyone feels triggered, I have yet to meet anyone who didn’t have more than a few negative samskaras left that get activated under the RIGHT conditions, creating inner and outer life-sucking drama.

If you are ready to do the liberating work of locating and melting your triggers then listen to my podcast about the nature of emotional triggers in romantic relationships or dive into the sacred roadmap of your own body where your triggers can be located and released from the inside out. or []

And know that I am here. I deeply understand the pain and frustration that these unconscious scripts have caused in your life. In your closest relationships. The pain can be so deep it doesn’t seem worth entering into and yet, until you hold these holy places with your powerful presence and love, they will not budge. They will not magically heal on their own. You may change partners, friends, and geographical locations, but as long as this energy knot is unresolved within you, it will find a way to show itself until you turn inward instead of outward.

In my decades of pursuing the healing and releasing of my samskaras, I encountered numerous practices and techniques, but most didn’t produce lasting results so I had to find my own way to truly feel, soften and release the energy knots that were wreaking havoc on my life.

The result is my gentle, yet laser-sharp eight-step program: The Heal what Hurts Method. Students and clients who have completed this process learn to identify the energetic location of their triggers, the script they contain, and how they can avoid playing out a painful story yet again. Students report feeling so much less reactive and vulnerable in their intimate relationships. Far more free to choose wisely. Much less compelled by unconscious drives to repeat the negative script yet again. This is emotional freedom and it can be yours. But only if you are willing to do the bravest work of all; feeling and healing the old pain that is presenting itself to you. The time is now.