The social dating app world (Bumble, Match, etc) has given rise to an emotional intelligence dumbing down and laziness. The instant access and simplicity of meeting someone by swipe, followed by some back and forth messages fosters a noncommittal approach. If it reaches the point of a few dates, that merely may be a disguised version of analog window shopping. The bursts of excitement are quick adrenaline hits of “Someone likes me…I might be lovable.”

Any beginning relationship has a natural period of discovery. Essentially we are sussing out: Are we compatible, is there chemistry, are we both interested in the same thing, shall we go forward and explore?

At any stage of development and before it becomes monogamous, often one person in that equation waffles along in fits and starts. On the surface, the plausible excuses seem rational (usually work is “busy”), though underneath it all there is an inability to understand what is actually going on and express that openly/honestly to the other.

Normally there are 4 possibilities: 1. Not wanting because of fit, no longer interested. 2. Wanting, but conflicted (someone else, unresolved past relationship/not ready) 3. Wanting, but lacks emotional intelligence skills to cultivate connection/relationship 4. Really doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone at this time.

#1 and #4. “Is what is.” End it, move on.

#3 has a possibility because emotional intelligence can be learned. Explore this with partner.

#2 looks like #3, but is not, also “is what is.” End it, move on.

If you go along* with someone in situation #1, #2, #4, suffering will ensue. How could it not when projecting your illusion onto an impossibility?

*We go along because there is some temporary payoff for us like sex, afraid to be alone, we’ve learned to settle for less, fleeting hits of someone’s interest in us, etc.

Committing to clear relationships and honest expression will give the greatest chance of love and fulfillment.

Originally published at