Valentine’s day, a global symbolic day for celebrating love. Some of you were perhaps excited to spend a romantic evening with your partner. Others may think that Valentine’s day is yet another commercial money machine that plays on people’s emotions. Statistics on the ridiculously high spent amounts of money in the United States alone shows how many people crave the sense of feeling their version of love.
Others of you may have experienced deep levels of sadness and loneliness as yet another year of the singlehood has kicked in. Valentine’s day is perhaps a day that is labeled as celebrating your love, relationships, and making sure you empty your wallet at the same time.
This blog is not about Valentine’s day bashing. It is about a more significant issue: the human concept of love in the 21st Century!
We live in a tech-saturated world where feelings of loneliness, anxiety, depression are increasing at an alarming rate. Close to 800 000 people die due to suicide every year, which is one person every 40 seconds. Suicide is the second leading cause of death and is mainly correlated with feelings of depression, anxiety, and isolation.
How does this translate into Valentine’s day and our conception of love?
For several people, the commercially designated day of love can actually cause stress, anxiety, unhappiness, and even depression because of social pressure and relationship break-ups or lack of partnerships. Valentine’s day is also a precursor for a spike in divorce filings as the pressure and anxiety levels reach a point of no return when living a distorted perception of love.
This shines a much bigger light on the elephant in the room: people’s perception of love, which is conditional on their outside environment.
When you attach conditions to receiving love, it feels controlling and produces a spike in negative emotions. And if you are a seasoned pessimist struggling to be happy in life, you are likely to perpetuate these negative emotions with your thoughts.
We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, and kindness, and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them — we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged. healed, and rare. — Brene Brown
So how do you reverse this process and cultivate more positive emotions than negative ones?
By loving yourself. Self-love is the antidote to surviving any heartbreak or loneliness. But how does one love themselves?
People have different belief systems that are fuelled with past experiences and conditions stemming from as early as childhood. We all seek to feel a specific feeling in the form of love, whether it is feeling valued, appreciated, fulfilled, successful, or joy. When we go about it by finding it outside of ourselves, feelings of happiness are short-lived.
How do you start feeling safe and secure within yourself?
Different strategies will work for different people, and it all boils down to fostering self-awareness throughout your life. Many people believe they have high levels of self-awareness only to be overwhelmed by feelings they never felt before when it comes to negative experiences related to love. This is because we continually evolve in life, and our self-awareness is never the same at any given point in time. Fostering self-awareness is an everyday process.
Take an example from the cells in your body, which each have a different lifespan and are regenerated when they die, bringing in a new experience with new cells in your body. When your mindset lags behind, you are likely to remain stuck in past experiences. Reminiscing about the past can create split energies and increase negative emotions.
Here are five simple steps you can start taking today so that you continuously cultivate greater self-awareness by asking yourself the right questions and unravel the root cause of your negative emotions.
Emotions are our human GPS in life. The more we feel and listen, the safer and secure we will feel in ourselves.
Question one: What is the energy I want to put out in the world?
Your inner-reality reflects your outside world. What you feel, is what you put out there. If you feel negative emotions because of negative thoughts, you will put negative energy out in your reality, and people will react to that negative energy. Think about a time in your life when you called or texted someone from a place of anxiety, fear, lack, and control; how did they react? Did they move further away from you because they sensed your neediness?
We are or have all been guilty of this; this what makes us human!
Awareness, however, will help you shift your energy and move your feelings up your emotional scale. Focus on cultivating energy and love that is unconditional, focused on feeling good fuelled by positive emotions thoughts. People want to be around people who can feel fulfilled without external conditions as they don’t make outside things and other people responsible for their emotions. Instead, they learn how to move up their emotional scale by themselves.
Question two: How do I move up the emotional scale?
If you feel negative emotions, you can move up the emotional scale until you reach positive emotions. You can feel yourself up the emotional scale without delaying this process with your negative thinking patterns. For example, if you are experiencing a negative thought and you catch it early on, you can forgive your thought and decide to choose again. Gabriel Bernstein explains this process in so much detail and clarity in her latest book Super Attractor.
If you are, however, too low on the emotional scale, and you are caught up in your spiral of negative thinking, focusing on shifting your thoughts to positive thinking is nearly impossible. The best thing you can do is to sleep, take a nap or meditate if you know how to quite your thoughts when you experience friction within yourself. The secret is to stop the negative stream of thoughts and calm down your mind. Practice meditating first thing in the morning and last thing in the evening. These are the times when your mind is transitioning into the subconscious mind, where your thoughts create your reality and influence how you feel.
Question three: How can I flip my script?
The subconscious mind is responsible for 95% of our way of life, which we refer to as habits, limiting beliefs, and our perception of reality. Between the age of 0–7 years old, our belief systems are influenced by thoughts, and behavioral patterns from our direct environment. Dr. Bruce Lipton has fascinating research that explains why so many people are walking around with limiting beliefs that are not theirs and thus create a distorted perception of what love is. The teachings of Abraham Hicks are another inspirational source of information that explains why people put conditions on love, and why their happiness is very short-lived or non-existent.
The script we grew up with is one of seeking love in all the wrong places, places that are outside of us. Instead, if we focus on tuning inwards and fostering the love for ourselves and within ourselves, our outer reality adapts to our inner-being.
Question four: What is my positive intent behind my behaviors?
Our subconscious mind, 95% of our thinking, controls our behaviors. What if you understand that every behavior has a positive intent, but the way it is expressed is influenced by the way you feel? Your actions are trying to meet a specific need for a particular feeling you want to experience. Once you scratch the surface and start asking yourself questions like:
“What is it that I am trying to achieve by exuding behavior x?
“What is the feeling that I want to feel when behaving in this way?”.
How can I replace my behavior x, which is no longer serving me as it is creating more negative emotions than positive ones?”.
The power of shifting your energy in focusing on creating new behaviors that meet your needs instead of reminiscing and perpetuating your old experiences is beyond your wildest dreams when you master it through practice.
I used to be a pessimist and seasoned negative thinking and I could probably write ten best-selling books about all the things not do when in love. Now, I have attracted so much love in new relationships with family and friends because I am focusing on building the new and not reliving the past. What happened cannot be changed in your psychical reality, but your mind can change the way it looks at your past so you can be free to live your life moving forward.
Question five: How can I develop or find healthy relationships?
We often have an ideal image and vision of the person we want to be with. The way we go about this is counter-intuitive as we focus on comparison with our past experiences. We don’t want a partner who is narcissistic, cheating or has treated us in ways that made us feel a lot of negative emotions. We create lists and focus on finding partners that do not show those qualities. Instead, what happens, we attract more emotionally unavailable and immature partners into our life because we focus our energy on what we don’t want.
We meet a partner we feel a tremendous physical attraction to, and we believe we are so in love that we jump into a perfect future reality in our minds. We then spend our time and energy trying to change the person to meet our subjective reality, which causes more negative emotions than positive ones.
Focus on writing down your requirements in a relationship using all of your senses:
How do you want to feel in a romantic relationship?
What are the attributes I am looking for in my partner?
What are the things I would like to do with them?
How does my life look without them? What is important to me? And so on.
What happens then is if you meet someone who does not meet your requirements, you will let them go with compassion so you can make space for people who do meet your needs.
You may have been taught to think you don’t deserve someone or people in your life who make you feel good because it is your job to make other people feel good. Let me tell you that everyone is responsible and has the power to feel good themselves. Your only job is to feel good, safe, and secure within yourself by practicing your mindset and feeling the associated positive emotions every single day. When you do so, watch how your well-being in life increases significantly because your perception of love has changed. You finally understand that love is within you and needs to be nurtured from within. Everything outside of you will align.
I hope this piece will help you live free from judgment, expectation, and attachment every single day, so when next year’s Valentine’s Day comes around, you will love from a place of freedom, abundance, and peace of mind. Because you do so every day already.
More inspiration & wisdom at https://nadjaelfertasi.com!