As a human behavior expert with a Ph.D. in Psychology and a Doctorate in Education, I have often been asked about the art of dating and seduction. My years of experience have taught me that there are some tried and true pointers that can be applied to most relationships, even though each partnership is unique and all couples are different.

1. Never manipulate. Men and women hate to be manipulated. It signals that either partner is easily fooled. No relationship happens in a vacuum, and each partner brings their history to the table. As a result, manipulation can bring a highly-charged feeling. Don’t do it.

2. Be independent. Nobody likes a needy person. Men in particular hate to feel controlled or pressured. If you are controlling, you can remind him of his mother, and men do not want to be in an intimate relationship with mom. Further, neediness communicates passive-aggression. Therefore, it is important when meeting someone and dating him for the first time to step back and find your own center — your own resource. Don’t wait by the phone. Find hobbies and interests that you like. These will give you not only things to talk about, but things to do that are interesting. If you get a life, you can share that life conversation. This only serves to make you more interesting and exciting.

3. Be yourself. If you put on an act with the person you are dating, you will never know if he cares for the real you. Furthermore, mutuality is important to seduction, so he has to be able to count on you to be you. To be intimate requires openness and emotional availability. It is true that people who are open are more vulnerable; however, no risk, no reward. Don’t play games and don’t play hard to get; if you play games, your date will play with someone else.

4. Turn off your phone. Make eye contact and listen actively. Men hate when a date is distracted and neither focused on him or in the moment; it’s discounting and insulting. And, when on a date, don’t scan the room looking for or flirting with others. It is just rude. An important part of seduction is to value and validate the person you are with, and if you are not paying attention, you will miss your moment by giving the wrong impression.

5. Be spontaneous. Be playful, be in the moment and have fun. This opens you to your authentic and essential self, which is the most attractive you will ever be. The natural you, the un-layered you, gives out all those good undefended vibes of attraction. Further, playfulness signals a flirty and teasing attitude that is non-aggressive and says “come hither.”

6. Find the humor. A good sense of humor indicates a good personality, and there is nothing sexier in a man or a woman. Don’t take things too seriously or personally, don’t be reactive; rather, be a good sport, and show that you can take teasing as well as criticism.

7. Get personal. Find ways to be intimate that have special meaning for just the two of you. For example: write letters, notes, and send funny cards. It adds to anticipation, fun and mystery.

8. Relax. Stress reduction is so important to seduction. Not only should you be relaxed, but you want to have a welcoming disposition that helps your partner relax. If you have problems in this area, learn to meditate, do progressive relaxation exercises, take walks, listen to music and most importantly, get enough sleep. Children are cranky when they don’t get enough sleep, and so are adults. A well-rested, stress-free person can cope with all kinds of difficult situations.

9. Be a good listener and show interest in your date. Ask about his life story before you spill all the beans about yours. People love talking about themselves and love telling you who they are. If you are a good listener, you will hear everything. Remember: trust is based on experience. So when it’s your turn to talk, it is better to measure what you share, then you won’t feel hurt or betrayed if your date is not worthy of your trust.

10. Good Hygiene. Pay attention to your appearance, your breath and your body hygiene. No matter how cute you are, if your hygiene is offensive, you will never get a second date. And regardless of what you have heard, if you don’t take pride in your appearance, you may be dealing with insecurity or low self-esteem.

11. Body Language. Your body language indicates whether you are confident or not. Be confident, smile and have a positive attitude. Don’t overdo flirting. If you flirt with everyone, no one will feel special, valued or valuable.

Finally, there is a fine line between patience and perseverance. Give your date a chance to be responsive — never pressure or rush the guy. Seduction is all in your head, so how you present yourself is how others will perceive you.


  • Dr. Gail Gross

    Author and Parenting, Relationships, and Human Behavior Expert

    Dr. Gail Gross, Ph.D., Ed.D., M.Ed., a member of the American Psychological Association (APA) and member of APA Division 39, is a nationally recognized family, child development, and human behavior expert, author, and educator. Her positive and integrative approach to difficult issues helps families navigate today’s complex problems. Dr. Gross is frequently called upon by national and regional media to offer her insight on topics involving family relationships, education, behavior, and development issues. A dependable authority, Dr. Gross has contributed to broadcast, print and online media including CNN, the Today Show, CNBC's The Doctors, Hollywood Reporter, FOX radio, FOX’s The O’Reilly Factor, MSNBC, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, Times of India, People magazine, Parents magazine, Scholastic Parent and Child Magazine, USA Today, Univision, ABC, CBS, and KHOU's Great Day Houston Show. She is a veteran radio talk show host as well as the host of the nationally syndicated PBS program, “Let’s Talk.” Also, Dr. Gross has written a semi-weekly blog for The Huffington Post and has blogged at since 2013. Recently, Houston Women's Magazine named her One of Houston's Most Influential Women of 2016. Dr. Gross is a longtime leader in finding solutions to the nation’s toughest education challenges. She co-founded the first-of-its kind Cuney Home School with her husband Jenard, in partnership with Texas Southern University. The school serves as a national model for improving the academic performance of students from housing projects by engaging the parents. Dr. Gross also has a public school elementary and secondary campus in Texas that has been named for her. Additionally, she recently completed leading a landmark, year-long study in the Houston Independent School District to examine how stress-reduction affects academics, attendance, and bullying in elementary school students, and a second study on stress and its effects on learning. Such work has earned her accolades from distinguished leaders such as the Dalai Lama, who presented her with the first Spirit of Freedom award in 1998. More recently, she was honored in 2013 with the Jung Institute award. She also received the Good Heart Humanitarian Award from Jewish Women International, Perth Amboy High School Hall of Fame Award, the Great Texan of the Year Award, the Houston Best Dressed Hall of Fame Award, Trailblazer Award, Get Real New York City Convention's 2014 Blogging Award, and Woman of Influence Award. Dr. Gross’ book, The Only Way Out Is Through, is available on Amazon now and offers strategies for life’s transitions including coping with loss, drawing from dealing with the death of her own daughter. Her next book, How to Build Your Baby’s Brain, is also available on Amazon now and teaches parents how to enhance their child’s learning potential by understanding and recognizing their various development stages. And her first research book was published by Random House in 1987 on health and skin care titled Beautiful Skin. Dr. Gross has created 8 audio tapes on relaxation and stress reduction that can be purchased on Most recently, Dr. Gross’s book, The Only Way Out is Through, was named a Next Generation Indie Book Awards Silver Medal finalist in 2020 and Winner of the 2021 Independent Press Awards in the categories of Death & Dying as well as Grief. Her latest book, How to Build Your Baby’s Brain, was the National Parenting Product Awards winner in 2019, the Nautilus Book Awards winner in 2019, ranked the No. 1 Best New Parenting Book in 2019 and listed among the Top 10 Parenting Books to Read in 2020 by BookAuthority, as well as the Next Generation Indie Book Awards Gold Medal winner in 2020 and Winner of the 2021 Independent Press Awards in the category of How-To. Dr. Gross received a BS in Education and an Ed.D. (Doctorate of Education) with a specialty in Curriculum and Instruction from the University of Houston. She earned her Master’s degree in Secondary Education with a focus on Psychology from the University of St. Thomas in Houston. Dr. Gross received her second PhD in Psychology, with a concentration in Jungian studies. Dr. Gross was the recipient of Kappa Delta Pi An International Honor Society in Education. Dr. Gross was elected member of the International English Honor Society Sigma Tau Delta.