Written by Alaura Lovelight, Recording Artist and Vocal Confidence Coach
…I had finally started living my best life, all because I had STOPPED doing these 5 things…
As I twirled in my new cute high waisted bikini I glanced in the mirror and smiled at myself. Seems like just yesterday I was spiraling down a hole of self doubt, confusion and uncertainty. I had finally started living my best life, all because I had STOPPED doing these 5 things…
I stopped giving a *beep* about others approval…
I realized that the approval of others was draining my energy all for what?! It’s a painfully hard truth to accept, but also incredibly freeing when you realize you have absolute no control over other people. They are pretty much going to do what they do, think what they think, live how they live and honestly, judge how they judge because they are living through the lens of their whole life experience. and we are not going to change that lens, it’s the very thing that has shape each of us and our world views. So give it up. Give up trying to impress them, appease them, clarify for them, etc. See, doesn’t that feel like a breath of fresh air?!
I stopped explaining myself…
Once a friend told me, “you don’t have to lie, but you also don’t have to explain yourself”. Wow! It seemed like such simple advice but once I truly thought about it and understood that concept I felt completely free. I thought that was some of the best advice I’d ever heard! When is the last time you gave somebody an answer with no 5 minute explanation on the tail end to “soften the blow”. Here’s the thing, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for a decision that is best for you! Get comfortable with just saying “no thanks” “I can’t” “Maybe next time”. No explanation, no compromising, no reasons why. Simple because you’ve thought about it, and that decision is what is best for you. That’s all the reason you need.
I stopped apologizing…
I never realized how often I apologize for things when an apology is completely unnecessary. I began to replace “oh, sorry!” with “oh, excuse me” or “oh, pardon me” or sometimes not even saying anything. Ugh, how uncomfortable right?! But the truth is, we apologize for far too many things that we don’t owe anyone an apology for, and unknowingly it slowly strips away our confidence. Pay attention to what you are apologizing for and analyze the necessity of it. For example, Backing in to someone’s car? Apologize. Accidentally bumping into someone and not hurting them? Oh, pardon me. Breaking something? Apologize. Unknowingly interrupting someone? Oh, excuse me.
I stopped compromising…
We are often raised in a home, or school environment and sometimes even by the characters portrayed on television to be polite, be considerate, be open. But somewhere along the line those ideas have transformed from being polite to compromising something you’d rather not do. Since when did eating that meal prepared just to be polite to the chef supersede what I deem best for my body? Or purchasing a gift for an event because you’re “suppose to bring something” outweigh my financial needs for that week? Remember the whole stopped giving a f*ck about approval one? Yea, that one comes in here. Get comfortable with NOT compromising. Doesn’t it feel ridiculous to even read that? But we all do it all the time. Let them judge you for not bringing a present, or for being too “picky” about food. So the f what. If it’s not right for you, don’t do it. and don’t compromise to appease them.
I stopped making assumptions…
Still working on this one. There’s some deep seeded childhood trauma that goes with one like this. It requires real personal growth and self reflection. But the truth is, people do things for a myriad of reasons, and if we don’t KNOW or seek to know the real reasoning behind it, then we are left to choose our own assumptions. I have started playing what I call the “3 reasons” game with myself. For example, if someone ignores my text or calls and seems dodgy, instead of jumping to the conclusion that they are avoiding me I make up 3 scenarios. They could be going through something I don’t know about and have a lot on their mind, they could be an incredibly forgetful person who checks their phone and if they don’t respond they forget… orrr they could be dodging me. Oh well! At least there are 2 other plausible scenarios that don’t make me feel so bad. and hey, it could be one of them! Joe Vitale author of The Attractor Factor(one of my faves) offers the “what if up” game. We tend to think what if – negative. But what if you started thinking what if positive! Next time something happens that you’re unsure of the reasoning behind, trying playing the “3 reasons” or “What if up” game. It will save you from making assumptions that make you feel bad.
As I twist from side to side in my new two piece, I realized how much life I had given BACK to myself all because I had STOPPED. Stopped doing all the things that lessened my value, stopped doing the things that compromised what was best for myself and by doing so I started living my best life ever…
Alaura Lovelight is a recording artist, vocal performance and confidence coach based out of New York City. She has performed for over 100,000 people nationwide and is the creator of Unseen to Young Queen, a teen girls transformation through music course. Sign up to learn more about her teen girls course and for free weekly confidence tips via her website!