7 Things Your Narcissist Says To Get You Back

We are all vibrational beings and this is how we attract people and situations. We are told that what we put out we get back, be careful what you think this is what you attract.

I believe you saw the red flags and you ignored them. 

You are now left so confused, the words leaving their mouth are leaving you with a weird feeling; you used to understand these messages, this knowing of what was right and wrong when something felt ‘off’. 

As an Empath or Highly Intuitive person, you have an inner knowing but during this relationship, you turned it off. If you felt something intuitively wasn’t right and you mentioned it, you were told you were wrong or that you were too sensitive. You believed your intuition was wrong and now out of the relationship you have been left confused. 

And this confusion continues to work for them; it’s easy to mistake their manipulation for a genuine desire to make things work, instead of a calculated manoeuvre it really is. Timed to perfection, they gain the attention they need and it also proves to them how powerful they are and that they still have control over your life. 

This was a game – you didn’t have the rules…

And this part of the game is called Hoovering.

HOOVERING • The term used to describe being “sucked back in” following a DISCARD, just like a vacuum cleaner sucking up the dirt, the abuser attempts to get you back. 

This is used during the DISCARD stage, to hook you back into the relationship, ensuring you are more focused on protecting the relationship than you are on yourself.

You might have been HOOVERED when you started to see who they really were, and what was going on. Or maybe you were QUESTIONING their behaviour, realising it wasn’t healthy. Perhaps when you were asking for guidance from friends and family. 

The HOOVERING might have come at the end of the relationship if they sensed you were moving on; like a vampire, they came back in an attempt to hook you back in or drain you of the energy you have gained being away from them. 

You were an OBJECT to them, something that they initially desired; so now they believe you belong to them and no one else is allowed to have you. 

They changed their behaviour which gave you a false sense of security, and they allowed you to believe they really do love you, that they want you back and are the person you first met, your (MANUFACTURED) SOUL MATE. 

These people are Master Manipulators, they are the consummate actors, putting on a mask and playing a role, hiding who they really are; some of the Red Flags would have been the mask dropping and you are catching a glimpse of their true character. 

1. “We are Soul Mates, we are meant to be together”

They love the idea of being Soul Mates and they love the attention they get from this statement. During the HOOVERING stage they may tell you they are sorry for the pain they have caused you and that they didn’t mean it, they never meant to hurt you, or they didn’t realise how important you were until after this happened. 

They beg for your forgiveness, for you to give them another chance, they love you and they can’t imagine living life without you.

They love to see people in pain, it gives them a sense of power and they have to be in control of everything. 

What they are really saying is… 

They hadn’t realised how important you were until they were caught out. And they now realised how easy it was to get the attention they need from you. They have now realised your quality of attention is superior to the other person, or that they need to be more careful not being caught out again. They have now realised how easy it is to manipulate you. 

They haven’t managed to suck out your soul yet, so you still have something to give them. 

2. “I’ve decided to get help”

Perhaps before they had drained you of everything, you saw the Red Flags. When their mask dropped and you got a sneaky peek of who they really were. You might have highlighted some of their bad behaviour and out of desperation, they declare you were right and they have been thinking about what you said, and they understand how important it is to you and because you are Soul Mates and they can’t imagine living without you they want to make this work, so they’ve decided to go to see someone to help with their (insert the problem here). 

What they are really saying is… 

They have realised their mask dropped and you saw who they really are, and this is a tactic to hoover you back in. They know as an Empath you will do anything in your power to help anyone, however, they have no intention of going to counselling or getting help, and they know you will, of course, want to help them. There may be tears (crocodile of course), and you believe they are sincere. They secure a new mask in place. 

Then the cycle starts again. They take you back to the Idealisation stage where you start to feel more secure; you may ask them when they are going to make an appointment or who they are going to speak to about (fill in the blank), they make an excuse and over time you forget, feeling secure in the relationship… 

WARNING • don’t go to counselling with them

3. “You can’t do this on your own”

You are trying to do the ‘no contact’ you have heard about, and you get a message saying they don’t know if they can live without you and you shouldn’t be going through this on your own… Let me help you, we should be together. 

What they are really saying is… 

They are checking in with you to see how much pain you are in, they don’t care what type of attention they get, good or bad, its attention and if they can see they have caused it; which is the icing on the cake with the cherry on top! 

They have no intention of helping you in any way, these are empty words. Perhaps their new supply isn’t fully secured or they are getting attention and trying to prove to others what a decent caring person they are, ensuring you are OK (of course their story is you are crazy and need help, and they don’t mention to anyone the damage they have caused to you). So their new supply thinks ‘Wow what an amazing person’ and for them it’s win-win! They win attention from your pain and they win attention from their new supply. 

4. “I met them before I met you!”

“Honestly there is nothing to be jealous of” – did you say you were jealous? Or were they mistaking your confusion and that gut feeling you have that something isn’t quite right in your relationship for jealousy? 

‘You have trust issues, you had them before we met’ – did you? Or has it been the constant line of people you keep discovering in their life, who mean nothing to them… Or is it the constant flow of people they dangle in front of you to make you feel insecure?

“I met them before I met you”, “I met them when we were on a break, they won’t leave me alone, they are in love with me…” 

Somehow they manage to turn this into your fault. 

What they are really doing is… 

They are triangulating you; creating drama and you feel sorry for them and forgive them, of course, this was all your fault! They make themselves look popular and they use this tactic to ensure you are more invested in the relationship that you are in yourself. They can then manipulate you further, and they use coercion techniques to get you to do what they want. You may feel you are not desirable enough and you may feel you need to work harder to please them.

5. “You are the only one who has ever understood me”

As an Empath you understand people on a different level. You might hear what isn’t being said and see peoples wounds. You very possibly saw a damaged inner child and you wanted to help them. You may have felt the pain emanating from the child and wanted to heal. 

What they are really saying is… 

You were the only one who ever understood them so far, when they move on they tell the new supply the same thing and they go on to explain the reasons you are no longer together listing a whole list of things, the new supply will do what you did and make a mental note of not to do these things and end up where you are. Sound familiar? If you think about it you did the same thing. 

They talk far too much about their exes and they do this to triangulate you. You see when they were checking in with their ex (see no 3 you can’t do this on your own) you saw this caring person, who didn’t want to hurt anyone and you believed that lie. They are now doing the same with their new supply. During these times they were purposely telling you why they were exes and you thought you had met this perfect person, what they were going was telling you what Angela did wrong and you make a mental note not to do that… And then they explain what Louise did wrong and you make a mental note; then there was Sarah, Sharon and Sally… 

6. “I can’t put up with this anymore”

The Gaslighting that takes place is horrific, and you never really know what is coming next and you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells. This could be a trick you think they are discarding you, they may be using this to create drama and for you to beg them to stay, agree to do anything to change and not be discarded. 

What they are really doing is… 

This is another manipulation tactic they use to make sure you are more invested in the relationship. Once you are hooked in the relationship they shouldn’t have had to do much more than extract your energy, you should have been there just waiting for them to appear and grateful for any crumb they threw your way. 

But they got a whiff of hmm what is that… Empowerment? Another persons scent, were they worried you were listening to others and they were going to unmasked? They can’t put up with your behaviour… Think about it! 

You were supposed to be waiting for them, you were supposed to be under their influence, you were supposed to hand over power and control of your life. 

What can’t they put up with? Turn that statement around, what they might be telling you is that they can’t play the role anymore and it is hard to keep the mask on. When you are no longer a good supply of energy or attention they get lazy and this is when you will get more glimpses of who they really are! 

7. “I didn’t mean to hurt you and I’m going to make it up to you”

They come back begging to be taken back, they didn’t mean it and they didn’t want to hurt you, and they want to prove that to you. They start to shower you again with gifts and flowers, they take you out for meals or away to prove how much you mean to them… And you start to get those feelings you had at the beginning of the relationship and being the person you are of course you can forgive them, and of course, you will take the blame for their behaviour, you realise that if you hadn’t behaved the way you did they wouldn’t have done (insert their behaviour). They remind you of the Fake Future you wanted together and that is all they really wanted. 

What they are really saying is… 

They haven’t finished with you yet! They aren’t letting you go while there is still life in you, and you are or were easy to extract attention from. 

They know how to get you hooked back up and they also love the attention they get from being so generous and kind whilst doing it, again this is a win-win situation for them.  

However they are lazy and they will have no intention of being caught again, they will be retracing their path, trying to understand where they went wrong, whilst thinking of how they are going to explain their disappearance to the other supply. 

Behind that mask, they are furious with you for catching them out. 

These aren’t real relationships they are fake, that is why you are hurting so much, it is like using something synthetic, a man-made fibre doesn’t feel the same as the real thing and it might irritate you… 

When the Narcissist wants to hook you back into a relationship, they try to do it as quickly as possible; and with as little effort they can get away with, ideally, they aim to pick up where they left off. They know what buttons to push to get a reaction from you and they also know what words and actions to use to do this. 

Like psychopaths, they plan every single thing they say and do meticulously.

These are just a few of the things you may hear if you have been discarded or if you have done the discarding.

I know you are in pain and when they try to contact you, you believe they really do love you, that they do want to change and yes, you are Soul Mates. Of course, they didn’t mean it and you believe it was all your fault, you may question everything if you had done or said something differently this wouldn’t have happened. 

Believing you are jealous and insecure.


Taking the steps of no contact are going to save your life and your sanity – this is a game, like a cat who is playing with a dead mouse, really uninterested but they have nothing better to do!


This was always going to happen, it happened to all the other exes.

Those crazy exes don’t seem so crazy now do they?

For you to fully recover you need to remove yourself completely. You cannot stay friends with them. 

And for you to claim back who you really are you need to implement ‘No Contact’ or ‘Grey Rock’ as quickly as possible.


  • Elizabeth Goddard

    Author of the A-Z of Emotional Abuse and Finding Lily I help people break the invisible bonds that keep them trapped after a relationship

    Through my own healing journey, I know the damage emotional abuse leaves both in your internal life and your external, physical, and financial life because I’ve been there.

    This was a game and I didn’t have the rules. After an unhealthy relationship, I was left a shell of my former self and I’d lost everything; I was broke and I was broken… 

    I was stuck in a debilitating cycle of questioning and doubting myself- 

    “If only I had said… If only I hadn’t said… Maybe if I had done… Maybe if I hadn’t done… “ I thought it was all my fault.

    The very first part of healing was dealing with the invisible bonds the Trauma Bonding, which kept me trapped unable to move on.  I eventually realised it really wouldn’t have made any difference if I had said or done anything differently I would still be here, I might have been granted more time but I also might have been even more traumatised. 

    I believe the emotions we feel are trapped trauma and we experience over and over again until we remove it completely from our system. 

    And that we need to get to the root cause, and much like a verruca, if a tiny part of the root is left it will lay dormant until it is triggered again. 

    The problem with a lot of methods is they only scratch the surface of the problem and act more like a bandaid rather than a full solution…

    Every step I have taken over the last 20 years has brought me to this point to be able to spot the hallmarks of abuse and transform the grit into gold

    Each new level of understanding has expanded my toolbox.

    I am so passionate about the work I do with clients, seeing them gain the clarity and the inner healing is magical and to see their faces change physically after just one session inspires me. 

    And I love having a business that allows me to travel, for travel was something that saved me when I was going through my own healing journey. 

    When I’m not working on Revive Your Soul, you will probably find me in my garden tending to my vegetables, might find me walking along the canals, writing, or meeting friends for coffee. Or you might spot me at the airport…

    Elizabeth Goddard

     Author - Finding Lily & A-Z of Emotional Abuse and Emotional Abuse Specialist