(Written the day of the Parkland, FL shooting)
How can I find the strength to fight
And it’s so clear what’s right
When I feel so defeated
I’m completely depleted
I don’t even know what to say
I can’t find the words to scream today
In a fetal position I cry and pray
How can we stand tall
When it feels like we have no voice at all
I have no oxygen to breathe
And I don’t even desire a reprieve
Because the mothers of the victims don’t get to, they have zero air
And I don’t think I have any to share
This pain is to much to bear
If it were me I think I’d give up
I’m not sure I could step up
How can I make a noise
Even one peep
When I just want to curl up and sleep
Through this nightmare
Yet all I do is care
Feeling so big
To find hope requires digging deep
Stabbed with daggers
Is how I feel
Kicked in the stomach
How long to heal?
From more fucking tragic news?
This is worse than the blues
My boss’s daughter’s teacher is dead
This fucking country is deep in the red
It has me scared and filled with dread
The wind has been sucked out of me
I’m finding it near impossible to see
Or act like my day is fine
Cause I’m having a really fucking hard time
I don’t understand how my “leaders” are so blind
And why the fuck is there so much shame
So many fingers pointed
So many people to blame
Why can’t mental health be openly discussed
It should not be such a fuss
Being open is a must
If we are to help
If we are to ask for help
If we are to hug
Our arms around each other
Lifting each other up
Normally my inner healer hugs me in hope
Normally my inner guide of source helps me cope
But today though we are all still too sad
To find the energy to get mad
Normally I don’t want to feel angry
Yet today I yearn to not be lazy
I’d love to be a voice a positivity
And ignore our leaders naive-a-fucking-bullshitivity
I’d love be a voice of reason
Hopefully that comes tomorrow
Or next season
Today I look to Brene Brown and Glennon Doyle
For hope
And to steer me to cope
To guide me into how to feel
Where to begin
How to heal
This mourning we will begin
Feeling like we live in sin
For not protecting
And for how to stop projecting
I’m hugging my kids
In search of compassion
Please someone tell me how to begin
To get out of this sadness I despise
Do you hurt as much as me?
Show me the light I want to see
Ready to rise
I’ll follow your advice
Praying to emerge
Up
Again