Have you really ever asked yourself, are you sociable, or are you shy? It’s not a topic that comes up frequently unless you’re trying to find your life partner; in the brave new world of online dating, being shy can be a handicap when you’re trying to start a relationship.

We spend an amazing amount of time trying to figure out why our new crush hasn’t called or texted us yet. Perhaps we should start by analyzing whether or not this new crush is sociable (meaning, not afraid to text anybody about anything) or shy (meaning, afraid to initiate a conversation with someone they don’t know all that well) and proceed accordingly.


This term could be rephrased as confidence; according to a survey of 5,000 singles, conducted by the online dating app HILY, 40% of men and 27% of women are confident, and they take the initiative in starting a conversation with their new crush, especially if they are really into them; also 83% of both men and women are not afraid to initiate a conversation – text or voice – if they’ve never spoken with the other person before. Also, they’re not afraid of rejection – 79% of women and 76% 0f men will call or text their crush even if they are not sure their crush likes them too.

There are numerous psychological tests you can take to determine your personality traits. There are two types of tests: personality inventories and projective tests, and you may be asked to take a personality test as a prerequisite for entering college, or when applying for a job; however, most of us know whether or not we’re confident or shy in a social setting without being tested.


If we redefine sociability as confidence, shyness can be defined as a lack of confidence. If 40% of men and 27% of women are confident, the flip side is 60% of men and 73% of women are not confident of themselves in social settings, and 17% of both men and women are afraid of taking the initiative. 21% of women and 26% of men are afraid of rejection; they won’t initiate a conversation unless they know the other person is not going to kick them to the curb.

The Role of Culture

Before the blurring of social roles, the initiation of contact was easier – it was defined as the male’s role, and if he didn’t call or write, after a certain period of time, the female made the assumption he just wasn’t that into her and she starts seeking another partner. Now, the roles are not so clear-cut; either party may make the first step. How long one waits before moving on is also not so well-defined; it may take a while before one or the other figures out the partner is not interested. 

Sociability or shyness is definitely a factor – if one partner is socially shy, the other may give up too soon unless they (the other partner) are confident enough to make the first contact. The mating dance, for humans, is complicated; the human male has a far tougher time than the males of other species because the human female is emancipated and the rules of dating have changed; however, the rules of evolution haven’t, and the aggressive female has a harder time finding a lasting relationship.

What do We do about it?

Good question; if we had the answer, we’d be in clover. There really doesn’t seem to be an answer –select all people develop their social confidence level as they grow from tweens into teens and into adulthood; the way they develop depends on many factors – family life, school environments, the real world around them – and their own physiologies and personalities determine how these other factors affect their development. 

Final Thoughts

Are you sociable, or are you shy? If you’re the former, you’ll have a lot less trouble making connections in today’s online dating world, and you’ll probably have an easier time when it comes to the face-to-face interpersonal relationship. If you’re the latter, you’ll have to work hard on overcoming your fears, to actually take the initiative and text or call your crush first. However, you’ll have a far easier time in the face-to-face part – once you know your crush enough to date them, your shyness will most likely disappear – as far as the relationship is concerned. Whichever category you fall into, once you’ve broken the ice with your crush, the journey gets better.