Now I look back at my experience I can see everything led me to this point.
I was 17 when I had my first flare up of Uveitis, I had no idea what was going on.
I suddenly woke up and couldn’t look at any light, my eye was red and inflamed, I was so scared.
I finally got to the hospital where the Consultant told me “Your body is attacking itself”
I, of course, had no idea what he was on about. I took the miracle drops and hoped it would never happen again.
But it did, a lot.
I had to do my research through each flare up, each hospital visit, trying to understand why this would happen to me. I was frightened, I felt weird for being “different” and it was life altering immediately.
Not one Doctor told me I could do anything other than take the steroids, in fact when I mentioned complementary therapy and supplements with my GP he just laughed,
So I went my own way. Determined in nature, I wanted to know how I could support my body, to at least feel better and control the flare ups and inflammation.
I looked into and began having alternative and complementary therapies. Reiki, Massage, Meditation, all sorts of knowledge that could help me find MY way back to MY body and it’s natural state of wellness.
“We are learning that before the body can become a temple, it first must become our home.”
Lucy H. Pearce
I had beautiful moments of deep healing and release, but inside I was still holding on to old habits and patterns.
By 27 I had so many flare ups in my eye, so much steroid therapy, I gained a cataract. Whilst they explored me further, prior to surgery I then found I had developed Sarcoidosis too.
This is when I realised how conventional treatment has such a small toolbox to support these types of dis-ease.
I was low, I felt nothing was helping. The stress of each hospital visit was keeping me in this hyper aroused state. Nervous, anxious, sensitive. I had this overwhelming feeling of helplessness and I had lost any sense of who I was. I knew I needed to look within, take some responsibility of my health, and understand the deeper causes of my illness.
“Every thought we think is creating our future.”
Louise L. Hay
Lots more healing therapies, I changed my diet, I cut out some of the bad habits like smoking. I got fitter, stronger and healthier.
But I was still working too hard, playing too hard, being to hard on myself. The flare ups were less aggresive but they still happened. The biggest triggers were stress, food, poor sleep and emotional upset.
I was still returning over and over to my old patterns, but nothing really changed, this continued for years.
My life was getting better outwardly but on the inside I was still this scared girl trying to show the world I was capable of juggling it all. Everyone else seemed to be doing just fine…why wasn’t I?
Life continued, and with it, life’s issues.
Family arguments, heavy drinking to cope, then my Dad died. He was such a softie with me, that was a massive blow. It crippled me inside, but I, of course denied myself grief so I could just crack on.
Soon after, I started to get weird symptoms. Heart racing, agitated, angry, tired but wired. It wasn’t until I realised I had a tremour tin my hands that I decided to go to the GP. Graves Disease or Chronic Hyperthyroidism, was my diagnosis.
I lost weight whilst eating loads, my heart would race, my breathing pattern was erratic, I had neck pain, mood swings, I was aggresive and angry then depressed and lethargic.
I took the medication and decided I would just move forward as always. I was still working full time and more. I was weight training and running…ridiculous!
My body gave up, I was frazzled. I could no longer make rational decisions. In my quiet moments I cried in a depression. In my angry moments I lost my shit, my very patient (then Husband) was so scared of me. I would then delve back in to a suicidal depression looking at the horror and the aftermath of my actions.
This wasn’t me. I continually told myself “I’m a nice person” but I no longer believed it. This was my lowest ever. I hated myself. I felt like an old woman and my life felt like a bomb had hit it.
I heard Grave’s described as having PMS, Dementia and ADHD all rolled into one, I can honestly say…it’s worse! I honestly believed I would never live my life the way I wanted to EVER again.
I asked my GP for time off, this was the first ever time. I was 41 and burnout had finally landed.
I had a month off and I began again, started to treat my life like a project. I bought a camera that I had yearned for, I took up a writing course, I walked, I slept, I talked and slowly…so slowly, images of myself started to become clear. Not the old Emma, she was gone forever, but a new, wiser, more caring and more curious Emma.
“The one thing all famous authors, world class athletes, business tycoons, singers, actors, and celebrated achievers in any field have in common is that they all began their journeys when they were none of these things.Yet still, they began their journeys.”
Mike Dooley
Project Emma was not easy, my habits and daily routines had to change. I needed good rest, quiet, a slower pace. I had to take time and care to make the meals that helped me feel better and nourished me. I had to set boundaries around who and what I let into my daily space. It did not go down well with some!
I began to look at life differently and started to live it on my own terms. I had to, I knew I couldn’t go back to where I was. People dropped away, my once active social life was in the bin. People I once thought were my friends, no longer wanted to spend time with me. The ones that “saw” me stayed, and God bless them. I was not easy!
Life became about conscious choices. Discussions with my body prior to saying “yes” was new to me. I did said yes to LOTS of new and different experiences. Some great, some not! I was discovering who I was, the NEW me, and I began to like her. I slowly gained confidence, a stronger voice, and a smile from the inside out.
“What you can do, or dream you can, begin it;
boldness has genius, power, and magic in it”
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
My experiences with new things led me to retreats, yoga and meditation. Specifically Kundalini Yoga. This was my turning point, this was where I found my strength, my inner resource, my power, my purpose and my Soul.
It really spoke to me and started to create the magic I had been looking for in my life. Things that I once found difficult became easier, I felt bolder, brighter, shInier and more connected to who I really was. It gave me such peace and bags of energy at the same time. The layers of crap I had built up over the years started to drop away.
It became a commitment to myself, a conversation with the inner me. Every morning for 40 days I committed to different meditation. The changes were so subtle but when I look back how fast they actually happened makes my head spin.
I did my Teacher Training… and here I am, five years on with a totally different life. The hard work paid off and I am now (thankfully) in remission. I am so grateful for all the tools I have learned over the years and no matter how hard it got, I see now someone was guiding me to this spot…right here, right NOW!
With divine light and love
Emma