I come from the culture where thinking about separation or divorce still implies a disaster, destruction of a family unit, impacting kids in a negative manner.
True that it’s a crumbling of the ideal(labelled by mankind) family unit and it does impact kids. But it’s far better than staying in an unhealthy relationship for the sake of kids.
Few years ago, when I came to the realisation I am living in a broken marriage, my heart pounded so hard that I almost felt it stopped beating. I tried to runaway in an opposite direction from the realisation which was so stark and clear. I was seeing my marriage ripping into pieces and all I wanted to do was bandage it, sticky tape to avoid the leakages.
It started haunting my day in day out for months as I was so scared to even dip my tippy toe to the new waters. My pattern of saving the world kicked in and all I desired to do was become oblivious to that awareness. I wished to save my unit which I knew was no longer intact.
Living in a broken marriage for me was like strangling myself and facade it with furnished look.
I was breaking from inside and thought to continue like this until I could no longer hold that mask. It was disintegrating into splinters and my worry was kids and what others would say. The moment I disclosed that I want to come out of the relationship, it was as if the whole world wanted to fix it.
Our well-meaning people, family, friends approached thinking that it could be integrated back to normal. All of them in a subtle way, started pressuring me to stay together as that’s what they felt was right for me. But the truth is no one ever knows what others want or what feel right for them.
They only see from their level of perception. I was labelled naive, angry, stupid, manipulated etc. I caved in for few months only to realise that it’s me who’s not happy and I can’t convince others to see from my standpoint. Our culture has conditioned us to believe:
No matter what, you need to stay together with your spouse until death do you apart.
It’s damaging for kids if the parents seperate.Sacrifice your needs to keep peace in the family.
After you have kids, you need to live for them and you no longer should have your own needs.
Prioritising your needs is selfish.
Make the marriage work for kids.And several others that made me question myself until I could replace them with healthy beliefs:
You should stay together as long as the relationship helps you grow together.
Thinking/Prioritising your needs is not selfish but it’s self care that brings love, joy and happiness and helps you spread the same.
Sacrifice is not love, it’s ignoring your needs which creates anguish, resentment, anger, hatred etc in the long run.
Freeing yourself from unhealthy relationship is a kind and compassionate act towards you and others.
Staying in an unhealthy relationship to please kids, parents or others will slowly run you out of steam.
Relationship between two adults require mutual efforts and if one is dragging it to make it work, it’s not a healthy relationship.
This helped me clear my conditioning, belief system that no longer served me which supported me to step in my power and doing what felt right for me. It wasn’t easy at all but worth it.Wish you all the love and great things in your life.
-Love Shveta xx
Shveta S, Intuitive Therapist