How many Double Dates is Too Many?
This weekend my girlfriend and I have two f**king double dates. Ugh. I love my friends, but damn pretending you’re a respectable human being all weekend is a lot for someone who throws out their towels to avoid washing them. I’m technically an adult (even though I wear headbands with cat ears) so I can do whatever the frick I want whenever the frick I want to do it. I may seem like a very social person, but sometimes I just don’t f**king want to. That’s a reasonable response to everything right?
I’m mildly sorry to anyone I offend by this next statement, but pandemic life is the life for me. I get to work in my underwear, drink so much coffee that I have a panic attack, work through that panic attack and talk to my useless interns (my cats) about having more coffee. So finally beginning to socialize isn’t really something I give a flying f**k about doing any more, unless of course you have cats and I can come to your house, sit on your couch in my underwear and swear at the sadness that Netflix has been vomiting out. Even if you have all the things, I’ll probably end up bailing and stay home. Just don’t invite me. It’s easier for everyone.
Friday evening my lady met one of my best friends and her boyfriend. They are arguably the best people I know, I mean they’re cat people so that is proof in itself. Fight me about it, I dare you. Furn and Yeti (obviously not their real names, don’t be stupid) are extremely chill, they’re the kind of friends that you can go over to their place have a nap and wake up to food in front of your face. They are a true gift. Any way tonight (Sunday) I am meeting my girlfriends’ best friends. Quinn gave me the heads up that they like to talk about deep feelings….yay. Honestly the only depth I’m concerned about is who and what is infiltrating my p**sy, otherwise I’d rather stick tooth picks in my eye and try to blink.
The thought of small talk and lying about my life to make it seem less sh**ty is just incredibly exhausting. I generally try to stay away from being too specific about my past because it’s disturbing for the most part and people get this look in their eyes that tends to stick around for the remainder of our time together. I f**cking hate that look, so I just deflect by asking them about their new kitchen appliance (assuming they recently got one) without being to specific, after a certain age i’ts an exciting purchase and a great vague topic to bring up. If anyone has a lead on a crock pot big enough to simmer away my f**king soul please let me know.
I’m just so proud of my little angel of a girlfriend for not fighting the vegetarian life, she made a bomb AF veggie chili for our second double date of the weekend. The evening sort of started with a sour taste (not from her chili) because her friends were an hour late, which is one of Quinn’s biggest pet peeves, so I’ve been told by her 20 times. Should I test it out ? Just kidding, love you babe. I could tell she was tired and didn’t want to deal with socializing by the time they showed up, so good thing I had already had half a bottle of wine and couldn’t shut the f**k up.
After this weekend I have come to the conclusion that one double date is too many. It’s dumb and so are you, stay home.