Cherries and Costanza

This is the story of a little Parkdale pixie named Costanza. Everyone has that friend, the one who gets themselves into absolutely ridiculous situations so often that you call them every morning to make sure they didn’t get drunk and leave the country with a stranger from a bar. Costanza is mine. Her hair changes almost as much as her persona, I never know which one of her I’m going to get. Some may say scary, I say exciting. Who the f*ck wants to be the same person and do the same things every day!? The thought of that literally makes me want to vomit on my keyboard.

The past two weeks she has been staying with me has provided interesting insight into the world of dating men online. Basically what I’ve gathered from it is to just not. Save your swipes babes, the internet is full of more than just trolls it seems the pandemic has brought along their cousin….The Ogre. Let me describe, The Ogre – basically a more disgusting version of a troll, someone who has said f*ck it to personal hygiene, wears sweatpants while commando because laundry is no longer a necessity , and has resorted to relying on Uber eats for all forms of sustenance. Barf, barf and more fricken barf. I’d rather eat my own vomit than eat Uber eats with a f*cking ogre. I truly feel for all my friends who have to suffer this way. Stop the spread of the Ogerism virus, the threat is real. The change starts with you.

My partner and I have made it almost two months now and I still don’t understand how she deals with me and I don’t want to. Someone give this woman an award for handling my needy emotionally-unpredictable sh*t on the daily. It’s very strange not arguing with someone every day and crying in the shower more than twice a week, is this a healthy relationship? Also what the f*ck is a healthy relationship?

I genuinely think that a healthy relationships definition changes with each couple, throuple, or dildo. If you feel happy, safe and loved in your partnership then that’s all that matters. If happiness for you is something alternative as f*ck then that is OK, we’re all into some weird sh*t I can almost promise you that. There is someone out there who wants to pull cherries out of your p*ssy and eat them, just keep looking honey and don’t settle.