Lately I’ve really been struggling with the fact that I can’t control my getting older. It’s quite inconvenient and expensive to try and avoid. When I think about the thousands of dollars I have spent putting things in and on my face I can physically feel myself age. What a sick f*cking joke life is. Ads on Instagram make it seem so easy to be beautiful when they’re like “Oh hey ladies put all these weird whale cum and snail sh*t based creams on your face and you will be beautiful…. Oh and they cost $1 gazillion each.” It’s just that simple apparently. I give in to every one of these ads. I will never be able to afford to have children because I spend all my money trying to look like one and I’m ok with it.
I have a super fun/depressing group chat with my girlfriends where we talk about the tribulations of life, a recent topic of discussion was nipple hair and grey pubes. People think I’m joking when I say I’m going to off myself at 35, but they’re all morons and I’ll forever be a beautiful botox princess with lovely brown pubes. I highly suggest considering my plan. You don’t need to worry about a career, starting a family or buying a house because you’ll be dead. You’re welcome for the unsolicited morbid advice.
I can honestly say the main source of my anxiety these days is the way I look. I know it has a lot to do with constantly being put down by my last partner, but I still can’t seem to shake this feeling that I belong under a bridge…. Oh right that’s because he called me a troll. One stupid comment said enough times will make you believe it’s true. I thought I was immune to this bullsh*t, but it doesn’t matter how bad a*s you are, these dark thought are always lurking, waiting to f*ck you up.
Getting older is inevitable as we all know, I hate it and so does my back, but nothing will stop it (other than my death by 35 plan) no matter what you do. So just have that extra glass of wine, buy those ugly ass chunky trainers and live it the f*ck up. It’s coming for us all, so don’t waste your breath running, save it for some good sex instead.