I don’t even know how I’m writing this, but it’s on my mind so here we go. I’m in such a loving, positive relationship with my partner and I really have nothing to complain about, but I still feel like there’s something missing. I don’t know what it is. I’ve been getting this strange feeling lately, almost like there’s a piece of me missing that I once had. I should be completely happy, but I’m not and it’s making me think I never really am. I feel stagnant and I hate it. I can feel myself pulling away from her, but I don’t want to. What the f*ck is wrong with me. Maybe I don’t think I deserve it or something, ugh I have no idea. Help. I need to figure out a way to understand this feeling without going to therapy because I am dead a*s broke.
Some day’s this feeling is so intense I literally feel it physically, like I’m missing an organ (probably my heart) or a limb. I’m sure it as something to do with this pandemic and not being able to do the things I would normally do, such as drinking at a bar. F*ck I miss paying $12 for a vodka soda. Maybe its attention and interactions from strangers that I miss, which is odd because I truly f*cking hate everyone. Until I figure out what’s wrong with me I’ll just be patiently awaiting the forever sleep. Yay.
Also another contributing factor to my questionable depression is that Halloween is basically canceled this year. I guess I’ll just do full face prosthetics and drink a bottle of wine with a straw at home looking like a super comfy witch b*tch. Halloween is basically the one day of the year that I don’t feel self-conscious in some way, because I can fully transform into whatever hell born creature I desire. Witchy weird vibes just make me feel at home. Oh how I would love to just runaway and join a coven. I can almost guarantee all of my curses would be on my mother.
Until then I’ll be here and queer with an Ouija board and bottle(s) of wine.