You thought the hardest part was over; you had left or you were discarded, you were starting to get your life back together and you are faced with divorce.
The wounds you thought were healed weren’t quite, and because they know you so well they can open them up so easily!
And this is why it is so important to be emotionally fit when you go through this process.
Being Emotionally fit is like wearing a Teflon Suit.
Watch the video here
Divorcing an emotional Abuser is very complex and there will be so many opportunities for them to cause you pain.
They know you don’t like conflict, so they enter the process claiming they don’t want to fight.
And they don’t want to spend a lot of money on this either.
You are not a person, you are a thing to them, an object. That was why they were able to walk away from you without a backward glance and move on, leaving you to clear up the mess they left and feeling broken and worthless, the final discard, they didn’t come back this time. They may have made attempts to contact you, to hoover you back up, it was part of their game, more for their amusement to see how much more you would have been willing to give them, what more boundaries you would have dropped, to see how much pain you are in as it gives them a sense of power.
You were a project for them, much like a project manager creates spreadsheets with all the information of a task needed to be completed and ones that have already been finished, so does your emotional abuser. He or She knows exactly what they need to do next to hurt you. They know exactly what your triggers are, they know what to say and how to execute it for their pleasure. So when it comes to divorce they are very well prepared. When they say they don’t want to fight they just want to move on.
They don’t mean it, they might mean they don’t want you to fight them they want you to agree to everything or they might just want to give you a false sense of security. You still remember the person they were and the mask they wore at the beginning of the relationship, the one who was so kind and loving towards them. You might believe they still have a kind persona and want to protect you.
You’re adults you can sort this out yourselves – why waste money on solicitors when you can do the negotiations yourself?
And this is where is it can go wrong…
If you haven’t healed from the wounds and you don’t have anyone who has your back, then you will be damaged in more ways than just the outcome.
If you recall back to your relationship the emotional abuser was able to rewrite situations, they gaslit you, telling you something
happened or didn’t happen, made you crazy, and then in their head, they rewrote the ending, so it was always your fault, they were the victim.
One of the reasons they tell you that you won’t need a solicitor is that they have planned it out in their head, they have negotiated it all, and eventually, they have an outcome and rewrite it in their mind this discussion took place and that you agreed to it, so why would you need a solicitor? And this is one of the reasons they don’t want to spend too much money, it will be going their way and everyone will do what they say and agree to their terms.
The abusers go into the process knowing the person they are divorcing and their behaviour, although they say they don’t want a fight they do. They like conflict and they are going to fight because their fragile self can’t handle rejection or abandonment.
They will manipulate the process by lying about you and creating a different reality where they are the victim in this.
Rational people look for middle ground this will never happen.
They will do everything they can to make themselves look squeaky clean they will rewrite what happened, how they treated you, and how they abused you including financially.
They change how they manipulated you and your finances, how you supported them and they will go out of their way to hide money and they may even resort to spending it rather than have it included in the negotiation process.
Divorce is just an unnecessary process they need to go through. You are no longer in their life, they have a new one and they want to move on, it is something that is holding them back and you have the potential of causing problems and unmasking them and they cannot allow that to happen.
Because of this and because of their need to control they encourage you not to use a solicitor.
You have 2 choices: You can take what they are offering with a pat on the head and leave or you fight.
Do not meet up with them, let a professional sort it out.
They have spent years gaslighting you and you are probably exhausted, they will manipulate you and as you no longer have a value to them you are now a liability and you are also the enemy.
They will try the cycle of abuse, they will love bomb to manipulate you.
They might even say they want you back, and this will be for them to control the situation and how they look.
They fool everyone, and they may even suggest using their solicitor as a way of making it cheaper. They may have told their solicitor that it is only the process of sorting the paperwork out as they have done the negotiation in their head and it has all been agreed. They will play the victim and they triangulate everyone, they are very good at getting people on their side and they have already made you look bad.
They will obstruct you and manipulate everything you say and it will make it harder to get other people to understand what you have been through.
You might find yourself wondering how are they getting away with this? How cannot people see this behaviour? Why can’t people see what they are doing? or How can they not see this is a lie?
The emotional abuser will bait you, during the divorce process. They want to cause you pain and also prove to everyone around them they are the victim.
You need to divorce them emotionally before you divorce them physically. When that email or letter arrives it no longer or they no longer hold anything over you, there is no reaction and it is from this place you can begin to understand the games they are playing and disengage from them.
You can get the divorce that works for you.
You are not fighting for the injustice that you have experienced you are looking forward to your future.
You are not wanting to hurt them in the way that has hurt you, you are the center of your world and you understand what you need.
You are not being manipulated and giving-up because if it is easier to walk away, the decisions you make are empowered ones, so if you do choose to walk away that is your choice not from being manipulated through exhaustion.
Make sure you are emotionally healed first.
From here you can see the power play and manipulation that is taking place with their solicitor and the people surrounding them and you can decide if you want to engage in this behaviour or negotiate.
If you can afford it hire a professional, let them receive the emails and letters, and do the negotiation for you.
Watch the video here
For more information on how to divorce emotionally email me here