Does grey rock work and what you need to do first…

Grey Rock is a tool that can help you manage the contact you have with an emotionally abusive person, but does it really work?

No contact is the best way to manage a relationship with an emotionally abusive person, dropkick them out of your life, and shut the door. But it isn’t always as simple as that or easy to do. 

There are so many emotions that you are experiencing and your emotions go up and down, one minute you know you are right and they were not a good person and you can see the way they treated you, made you feel, experiencing the shock of realising your life had been a lie and questioning if they really did love you. 

And if you are in contact with them, this causes you more pain, especially if they want to play games. 

Perhaps they are a family member or you work with this person and feel no contact is not an option either. 

You might be in the process of divorcing them or you might have children together and they use them as an excuse to be in contact with you. Or you use the children to still play a part in their lives. 

If we strip this down to the very basics – the emotional abuser needs attention, and different people in their lives provide them with different grades. In the same way, a diamond has different values this is how they view people, they grade them on the quality. 

If you were buying a diamond there is a grading scale used to identify the 4 C’s Carat, Cut, Colour, and Clarity the nearer to excellent the diamond is the higher the price. 

For the emotional abuser they have a similar chart and the better quality of attention, ability to respond, the emotional response you provide the higher up the grade scale you appear. 

It might be you were raised by emotional abusers and you or a sibling bought them more attention by the way you looked or your physical or intellectual abilities. 

So when you were first in a relationship with the abuser you were providing excellent attention you would be a D-F in colour, you were pure. You were flawless or internally flawless in your clarity, a 2.5 ct, and an excellent cut

However, towards the end they damaged you so much you have been downgraded. There is still some supply to be gained from you, but mainly if they are bored or just to check what control they still have over you. 

During your relationship they studied you, you were a project and they know what they need to say and do to get an emotional reaction from you, and they have also stored in their memory banks this information so they can use it to top themselves up, it might be knowing how you will react when they open an email or receive a message from them. 

I have said in many videos if you need to be in contact with them to use the grey rock technique but my question is does this actually Work? 

Get a piece of paper and write out what it is that is holding you back from going no contact. 

And ask yourself again, can you really not do the no contact? 

If you need to do the grey rock and there is no other way but to have them in your life then you need to make sure you have divorced them emotionally. 

That means that if they contact you for any reason you don’t respond. There isn’t a micro-movement in your face or the tone of your voice when you answer the phone or you see them. 

It means they don’t cause any reaction within you, you break the ties with them, those invisible chains and you heal the wounds they picked the scab too. 

If you attempt grey rock and you haven’t healed you are giving them a supply of fuel. You are feeding them with the attention – you won’t have to say a word they can tell. They will feel your pain and will feed off it. 

They will hear in your voice and this will be enough for them to gain fuel. 

If you send an email, they will know by the tone and the words you use. 

Being emotionally fit is healing the triggers, breaking the bonds, working through the hurt and trauma. Emotionally divorcing them means they can no longer hurt you or feed off you. 

Please if you have been responding emotionally let me tell you quite a few people have been in that place, but now you know you can do something about it.

Using the Grey Rock technique does increase the chances of them hoovering you. Remember this is a game to them, they need to stay out of the abandonment jail, and they use people for what they need, everyone has value. They assessed you and decided you were worth their investment of time and money and calculated the ROI (return on investment) and you made that grade.

If they perceive you trying to take control they will try and claim back the power of the situation, causing more havoc in your life just when you had started to breathe again, they try and suffocate you. 

Grey Rock to the emotional abuser is an invitation to engage with you and they know at some point you will drop your guard – they just need to find the right time or the right combination to provoke you and you will then reveal how you feel or how much they hurt you and they want to know if they still have power over you. 

Divorcing emotionally means you can look them in the eye and there is nothing, you feel nothing, they can say anything to you and nothing… 

It’s like wearing a Teflon suit – nothing sticks. 

They have studied you and they know what to say and do and do to push your buttons. 

And what is a Childs reaction they pick up a toy that appears to be broken? 


  • Elizabeth Goddard

    Author of the A-Z of Emotional Abuse and Finding Lily I help people break the invisible bonds that keep them trapped after a relationship

    Through my own healing journey, I know the damage emotional abuse leaves both in your internal life and your external, physical, and financial life because I’ve been there.

    This was a game and I didn’t have the rules. After an unhealthy relationship, I was left a shell of my former self and I’d lost everything; I was broke and I was broken… 

    I was stuck in a debilitating cycle of questioning and doubting myself- 

    “If only I had said… If only I hadn’t said… Maybe if I had done… Maybe if I hadn’t done… “ I thought it was all my fault.

    The very first part of healing was dealing with the invisible bonds the Trauma Bonding, which kept me trapped unable to move on.  I eventually realised it really wouldn’t have made any difference if I had said or done anything differently I would still be here, I might have been granted more time but I also might have been even more traumatised. 

    I believe the emotions we feel are trapped trauma and we experience over and over again until we remove it completely from our system. 

    And that we need to get to the root cause, and much like a verruca, if a tiny part of the root is left it will lay dormant until it is triggered again. 

    The problem with a lot of methods is they only scratch the surface of the problem and act more like a bandaid rather than a full solution…

    Every step I have taken over the last 20 years has brought me to this point to be able to spot the hallmarks of abuse and transform the grit into gold

    Each new level of understanding has expanded my toolbox.

    I am so passionate about the work I do with clients, seeing them gain the clarity and the inner healing is magical and to see their faces change physically after just one session inspires me. 

    And I love having a business that allows me to travel, for travel was something that saved me when I was going through my own healing journey. 

    When I’m not working on Revive Your Soul, you will probably find me in my garden tending to my vegetables, might find me walking along the canals, writing, or meeting friends for coffee. Or you might spot me at the airport…

    Elizabeth Goddard

     Author - Finding Lily & A-Z of Emotional Abuse and Emotional Abuse Specialist