Closure following the breakdown of a relationship involves honest, healthy, non-judgmental communication that helps with letting go. 

Being denied CLOSURE when you’re breaking up, is unhealthy: it’s damaging, destructive and controlling. 

These types of relationships so hard to heal from.

They cause so much damage, putting you in to a state of confusion. You had no idea the abuse was taking place; and like Chinese water torture, it happens very slowly and it turned you insane! 

When relationships end they can be painful, particularly when you are in different places in the relationship. In normal relationships if can cause hurt and confusion. 

But this wasn’t a normal relationship. 

Closure involves honest, healthy, non-judgmental communication. Being denied CLOSURE when you’re breaking up, is unhealthy: it’s damaging, destructive and controlling. 


These two seem to run hand in hand…

Relationships breakdown for so many different reasons. 

It could be you drifted apart, or what you found attractive in someone at the beginning of the relationship you no longer do. It could be that work has made it difficult due to hours or distance. 

Perhaps your feelings have changed and you may still like them, but you are not in love with them.  At the beginning of a relationship we get healthy doses of Oxytocin making us feel loved, this is what helps us create a bond with another person. Once the initial honeymoon period is over, you settle in to a relationship and you realise you aren’t as compatible as you first thought you were. 

Healthy people are able to acknowledge that it isn’t working and why. It might be painful but closure for both parties is helpful in moving on. 

But this relationship was different. 

The ending of this relationship is very painful. They created a strong bond with you during the repeated Love Bombing and when it you are no longer of use to them they walk away. 

Their explanation, if you get one, is what you did wrong. 

The bond is so strong and the withdrawal so painful, that you look for ways of getting the relationship back, and to where you where at the beginning of the relationship. Where it was safe and you felt loved and valued. On average a person goes back 7-8 times before the final discard or they have had enough and walk away.

You may go into a cycle of ‘what if’ and ‘if only’… 

Trying to understand where you went wrong, replaying situations and conversations if you had done something differently or said something else it would have ended?. 

In an attempt to understand what happened, you may still in contact with them; you might be trying to get the back to that place where you believed you were both happy, offering to do anything or put up with anything. 

The truth is, the pain of being out of the relationship hurts more than the pain you were suffering in it. You have a gaping hole in your Soul that nothing will fill…

You believe you need answers to gain closure! 

There are a few reasons for this; firstly they are the victim, your behaviour has caused the breakup of the relationship. They are getting attention from their friends, family, work colleagues, person next to them on the train, why would they give that up? Secondly, you are supplying them with attention, they don’t care if it is negative or positive, it’s attention! All the time you are in pain, confused and asking questions, the focus is on them. 

Another reason you won’t get closure from them is because they have no empathy, they can’t put themselves in your shoes or even attempt to understand the pain you are in. They do get hurt, but they react with rage. 

Also enjoy knowing that they have caused this pain, it proves to themselves how powerful they are and the amount of control they still have over you. 

Giving you closure would not serve them in any way. 

They would be giving up the attention they claim they don’t want from you and they would be handing you back the power and control of your life. 

They would have to acknowledge that they were in somehow to blame and they can’t do that, the damaged inner child couldn’t handle it.

When you do try to reason with them and highlight some of their behaviour, they may ask you why you would say such awful things to them.

And it works really well for them when you are going crazy, because they can show people how your behaviour was the reason they could no longer be in a relationship with you. 

This was a gift and I know you can’t see it at the moment as you cry through the pain, but it is. 

This is a beautiful gift and you when you are ready you will discover why.

The first step is understanding what happened, the confusion and the crazy making has your mind, body and soul in a frenzy of not knowing what is right or what is wrong. Not knowing what to believe, AND THEN you find the term Narcissist… You start asking if they are they a Narcissist, sociopath or a psychopath, and you will very possibly start asking if you are one. 

We are all on this spectrum, just some people are further up the scale than others and secondly, your ex partner can’t take responsibility for the role they played in the relationship, they are not going to get diagnosed, so its about accepting what happened. 

It is time to move away from being the victim and stepping in to reclaiming your power! 

You have been through hell, you may still be there… 

Once you have discovered what has been going on you are going to need to reprogram yourself. 

You may still find yourself protecting the abuser. 

During the love bombing they put themselves in the place of carer, they took over your life, bonded you to them and put them themselves in a place of power. They made sure you disconnected from your friends and family so you are now feeling very very lonely…

Mentally you may need to calm your mind! You may have experienced Gaslighting, which is a covert way of distorting another person’s perception of reality and it makes you think that you’re actually going crazy, because you believed their version of events. 

Gaslighting is really dangerous, it creates feelings of insecurity, confusion and brain fog.

Physically your body might be under a lot of stress.

There is a gift, and that gift is healing the wound and this might not just be from your ex partner. It might take you all the way to your childhood – It would be a wound of abandonment or a wound of shame or a wound of guilt. This gift might be reclaiming and healing an inner child or even a few of them. 

First you need to start calming down the body. One thing you will find helpful is to write out your story. 

When you find your thoughts leading you back down the route of question of If Only and What if, you can remind yourself it was not and all the areas where their behaviour was wrong. You can use it to remind yourself of the times you forgave them for hurting you. And all the times you knew you should have walked away but you didn’t. You have been tricked in to believing your behaviour was the reason the relationship failed, you need to realise this was another lie, but you do need to take responsibility for the role you played.

I promise you, if you take responsibility for your healing and the wound or wounds,  by dedicating time to do this you are going to feel amazing and your relationships are going to change.

This is the gift! 

The gift is self love! 

The gift is realising where this has been happening in other relationships in your life. 

I know you may not see it at the moment, its raw, it hurts and you believe it is all your fault. 

For each negative emotion you feel, ask ‘when have you felt this before?’ It might be the pain of the realisation the future was fake or the pain when you ask if they ever really did love you.

I promise you the gift of time you are giving yourself you will get back 100 fold! 

I know it might not feel like it, but it is… And, get your closure from knowing you will move on to more fulfilling relationships and they will still be the hollow shell that can’t be loved. 

As you raise your vibration those around you heal as well!


  • Elizabeth Goddard

    Author of the A-Z of Emotional Abuse and Finding Lily I help people break the invisible bonds that keep them trapped after a relationship

    Through my own healing journey, I know the damage emotional abuse leaves both in your internal life and your external, physical, and financial life because I’ve been there.

    This was a game and I didn’t have the rules. After an unhealthy relationship, I was left a shell of my former self and I’d lost everything; I was broke and I was broken… 

    I was stuck in a debilitating cycle of questioning and doubting myself- 

    “If only I had said… If only I hadn’t said… Maybe if I had done… Maybe if I hadn’t done… “ I thought it was all my fault.

    The very first part of healing was dealing with the invisible bonds the Trauma Bonding, which kept me trapped unable to move on.  I eventually realised it really wouldn’t have made any difference if I had said or done anything differently I would still be here, I might have been granted more time but I also might have been even more traumatised. 

    I believe the emotions we feel are trapped trauma and we experience over and over again until we remove it completely from our system. 

    And that we need to get to the root cause, and much like a verruca, if a tiny part of the root is left it will lay dormant until it is triggered again. 

    The problem with a lot of methods is they only scratch the surface of the problem and act more like a bandaid rather than a full solution…

    Every step I have taken over the last 20 years has brought me to this point to be able to spot the hallmarks of abuse and transform the grit into gold

    Each new level of understanding has expanded my toolbox.

    I am so passionate about the work I do with clients, seeing them gain the clarity and the inner healing is magical and to see their faces change physically after just one session inspires me. 

    And I love having a business that allows me to travel, for travel was something that saved me when I was going through my own healing journey. 

    When I’m not working on Revive Your Soul, you will probably find me in my garden tending to my vegetables, might find me walking along the canals, writing, or meeting friends for coffee. Or you might spot me at the airport…

    Elizabeth Goddard

     Author - Finding Lily & A-Z of Emotional Abuse and Emotional Abuse Specialist