I am not sure how I was able to pretend for so long. I go back in time and remember feeling empty, exhausted, broken, nauseous, and ashamed. I would have conversations with friends, and days later, I could not remember the details or that we had actually discussed said topics. Same happened with family, colleagues, clients, I just didn’t tell anyone. The more it happened the more I pretended to have everything under control.
By that point, the sharp, assertive, confident, and energetic woman had long disappeared. I remember the exact day it happened, the emotional downward spiral. It had been building up for years, and I ignored it, every single day. Seeing it from the outside, you would have never guessed it. Well traveled, at one of the pinnacles in my professional journey, loved and respected by my community, healthy and more.
Yet, I was utterly disconnected from everything, especially myself. I started playing small, excuses poured hourly, dreams were locked away, zero boundaries, poor communication skills, projecting myself onto others, instinct down the drain, I even downgraded who I was and my needs to accommodate others. The list continues. If I am 100% honest, at this point, I wanted to be saved. I wanted someone to show up and give me what I lacked. I wanted someone else to take responsibility and show up for me.
And then, it got worse until it wasn’t anymore.
How, you might ask?
Well, as many before me have said, I got tired of my own BS. But more so than that, I receive the most significant gift anyone has ever given me. For the first time in my life, I showed up… for myself. I did not do this on my own. It very much took a village to take me over the edge of reclaiming life on my own terms.