A few years ago, I hardly knew the difference between heart and mind. Based on my previous experiences,
✨ I had inculcated a belief that my heart leaves me ashtray hence I will trust only my intellectual mind.
✨ I unknowingly caged my true self in walls so high and strong that I wouldn’t dare to crumble them.
✨I became monotonous, well more mechanical, moving from one task to another checking out my list every day.
✨ And then found ways to mask myself, even more, to blend in with what others wanted to see in me.
✨I became robotic, fake, and no less than a people pleaser. All I wanted was to be seen and loved by my well-meaning people.
✨Little did I know that I buried my true self somewhere as I thought no one wanted to see her.
✨So I changed, and I kept adding layers upon me to become a customized product suited to others’ needs, desires, and expectations.
✨All I could feel was emptiness, exhaustion, and oblivion ready to engulf me- So I would run away from it and indulge myself in drinking, self-care- mani, pedi, gyms, dancing, parties, and many more to steam out what’s burning me.
✨ I was certainly after the medallions of the best mother, best wife, best daughter, best daughter-in-law, perfectionist and so on to feel rewarded for the slaughter of my true self.
The universe kept providing me with the signs like
✨Feeling flustered all the time
✨ Suicidal instincts
✨Relationship issues and
✨ Health issues
BUT I kept ignoring them conveniently. Somedays, I would wonder,
“If I am doing it all right, why don’t I feel my heart beating, why do I feel I am dead?” I would ponder and then scoff thinking I am too sensitive or an overthinker.
Then I can’t remember exactly how, but there was a time when I resorted back to meditation after a decade and a half. I wanted to find answers and solace. Oh boy! 6 months and more – I would just hear my jumpy mind from one thought to another followed by deep spaciousness. And then one day I heard, “Aren’t you tired yet?” And, “Yes!!” hopped out my mouth.
I mocked at that later on, thinking it was just my mind making it up. Slowly, bit by bit I started receiving blocks of thoughts and I started trusting what would get downloaded. One day I heard, “You need to find yourself back.”
“What? Find who? Was I lost?” Well, certainly I was.
“Did I find my way back? Yes, slowly I did.“
Now, following my passion to make a difference in others’ lives in a positive way, I would like to share something I learned (and still learning) on this voyage:
✨Be absolutely honest to yourself.
✨Listen to your inner voice and trust it. It changes as you grow- so consider it as your internal navigator guiding you the path but it’s your choice to turn yourself into that direction or not.
✨Become aware of yourself. Observe yourself as a third person watching over you without any criticism or judgments.
✨ Don’t run away from the pain, triggers or emotions. Know that these triggers are the compass to where our pain lies and trust that it can be healed.
✨Allow yourself to sit with the emotion & ask yourself, “When was the last time I felt this way? Was there any childhood experience that made me feel the same?”
✨Go deeper into those feelings. Talk to your emotions/woundings like you talk to a child. This is part of inner child work.
✨Ask for Divine guidance to provide you with clarity and support so you may release what no longer serves you. Then imagine those emotions as bricks crumbling down around you and moving away from your energetic field.
✨Healing is an ongoing winding process, so be gentle with yourself. One trigger could correspond to multiple child experiences or vice versa. So next time, you get triggered with the same thing- don’t think, “Oh, I already cleared it – why is it back again?” It’s there for a reason -The lesson was half learned, not mastered enough, or could be a rehearsal.
✨And It’s absolutely OK to be NOT OK. Allow your human self to explore the emotions, feel them, let the resistance surface- don’t push it away but just be.
✨Above all, trust the feeling that you are protected, divine, worthy and deserve to be healed.
I am passionate to help others now in their inner work using different modalities I learned over the past few years.