You’ve been angry at your spouse all day, not making eye contact and ignoring his questions. Yet he seems completely oblivious. At the end of the day, you confront him about the situation, and he seems shocked. “I didn’t even know you were angry with me,” he protests. And as hard as it may be for you to imagine he was clueless to your cues, he may be telling the truth; it has a lot to do with how men and women handle stress differently.

Stress then, stress now

To understand these differences, we have to first examine the initial purpose of stress. Whatever benefit stress may once have offered has mostly disappeared. Primitive man relied on his body’s system to gear-up for flight or fight. When he was threatened, his adrenal system started pumping furiously and he used every bit of the magical substance to save his hide.

Hormonal differences

Three stress hormones are involved in the flight or fight syndrome: Cortisol, Epinephrine, and Oxytocin. Cortisol and Epinephrine lower immunities and raise blood pressure. Oxytocin softens the reaction of Cortisol and Epinephrine by relaxing the emotions. Men release less Oxytocin than women, and therefore, have a stronger reaction from both Cortisol and Epinephrine.

Because of the increase of Oxytocin and the reproductive hormones, such as Estrogen, women are tenderized to nurture and reach out to others in an effort to both protect themselves and their young. Women are about relationships. In fact, their self-esteem and identity are often dependent upon their feelings of adequacy in relationships.

Men, on the other hand, are wired to be fixers…. A unique type of problem solver. They compartmentalize and repress their emotions to either fight or run away. Males are invested in performance and competition. They instinctively don’t pick up many social cues and innately view eye contact as a challenge.

Women pick up six facial cues compared to a male’s ability to pick up one, and women experience eye contact as a sign of intimacy.

Men let competitors’ accomplishments and employer’s ambitions establish demand ranges, inhibiting self-attention and directing it towards winning. Thus, for a woman, the worst stress is a threat to her relationships, and for a man, it is the inability to perform, compete, and achieve.

Women will often sacrifice their own needs for the needs of others. Their self-esteem is so wrapped up in relationships that a woman may let others’ needs determine her stress limits, while ignoring her own needs. Therefore, women get caught up in the dilemma of over-demand and insufficient self-maintenance, while men repress and compartmentalize their feelings of stress in an effort to attain an extrinsic object. Hence, the self-management and self-maintenance demand, is different for men and women.

Women nurture and reach out to others when confronted by stress. They seek support and talk-therapy to lower their anxiety and find a solution or answer to their problems. By processing emotionally what has occurred, women share the stress of their predicament.

Men seek escape when confronted by stress. They compartmentalize and repress their feelings in an effort to get away from their dilemma. They change the subject through diversions, such as sports and clubs. They do not, however, emote or discuss their feelings, but rather hit that tennis or golf ball, competitively.

Working through stress together

Stress management can be taught to both men and women, and more importantly, they can practice it together. Inner work, such as meditation and yoga, are effective in managing stress. Exercise, diet, and a normal sleep regime, are also effective in reducing stress.

The key is to understand the difference between how partners react to stress. This helps you not take everything personally, but rather understand each other, and by so doing, you can better understand yourself.

Being authentic and aware of your demands and limitations can help you recognize, acknowledge, and alleviate the stress in your life — just as using simple words such as, yes and no, can manage demands and self-maintenance. For it is not stress itself that is destructive, but the way you respond to it. The famous philosopher William James said, “We carry within us that for which we search outside.”

In our modern world, we are offered a beguiling assortment of quick cures and get sidetracked from the inward pursuit of peace, health, love and beauty. This is a world where migraines, frustration and stress are the order of the day. Coping with stress and learning how to self-manage, with your partner, can reverse illness, and premature aging by healing your spirit.

Author(s)

  • Dr. Gail Gross

    Author and Parenting, Relationships, and Human Behavior Expert

    Dr. Gail Gross, Ph.D., Ed.D., M.Ed., a member of the American Psychological Association (APA) and member of APA Division 39, is a nationally recognized family, child development, and human behavior expert, author, and educator. Her positive and integrative approach to difficult issues helps families navigate today’s complex problems. Dr. Gross is frequently called upon by national and regional media to offer her insight on topics involving family relationships, education, behavior, and development issues. A dependable authority, Dr. Gross has contributed to broadcast, print and online media including CNN, the Today Show, CNBC's The Doctors, Hollywood Reporter, FOX radio, FOX’s The O’Reilly Factor, MSNBC, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, Times of India, People magazine, Parents magazine, Scholastic Parent and Child Magazine, USA Today, Univision, ABC, CBS, and KHOU's Great Day Houston Show. She is a veteran radio talk show host as well as the host of the nationally syndicated PBS program, “Let’s Talk.” Also, Dr. Gross has written a semi-weekly blog for The Huffington Post and has blogged at EmpowHER.com since 2013. Recently, Houston Women's Magazine named her One of Houston's Most Influential Women of 2016. Dr. Gross is a longtime leader in finding solutions to the nation’s toughest education challenges. She co-founded the first-of-its kind Cuney Home School with her husband Jenard, in partnership with Texas Southern University. The school serves as a national model for improving the academic performance of students from housing projects by engaging the parents. Dr. Gross also has a public school elementary and secondary campus in Texas that has been named for her. Additionally, she recently completed leading a landmark, year-long study in the Houston Independent School District to examine how stress-reduction affects academics, attendance, and bullying in elementary school students, and a second study on stress and its effects on learning. Such work has earned her accolades from distinguished leaders such as the Dalai Lama, who presented her with the first Spirit of Freedom award in 1998. More recently, she was honored in 2013 with the Jung Institute award. She also received the Good Heart Humanitarian Award from Jewish Women International, Perth Amboy High School Hall of Fame Award, the Great Texan of the Year Award, the Houston Best Dressed Hall of Fame Award, Trailblazer Award, Get Real New York City Convention's 2014 Blogging Award, and Woman of Influence Award. Dr. Gross’ book, The Only Way Out Is Through, is available on Amazon now and offers strategies for life’s transitions including coping with loss, drawing from dealing with the death of her own daughter. Her next book, How to Build Your Baby’s Brain, is also available on Amazon now and teaches parents how to enhance their child’s learning potential by understanding and recognizing their various development stages. And her first research book was published by Random House in 1987 on health and skin care titled Beautiful Skin. Dr. Gross has created 8 audio tapes on relaxation and stress reduction that can be purchased on Amazon.com. Most recently, Dr. Gross’s book, The Only Way Out is Through, was named a Next Generation Indie Book Awards Silver Medal finalist in 2020 and Winner of the 2021 Independent Press Awards in the categories of Death & Dying as well as Grief. Her latest book, How to Build Your Baby’s Brain, was the National Parenting Product Awards winner in 2019, the Nautilus Book Awards winner in 2019, ranked the No. 1 Best New Parenting Book in 2019 and listed among the Top 10 Parenting Books to Read in 2020 by BookAuthority, as well as the Next Generation Indie Book Awards Gold Medal winner in 2020 and Winner of the 2021 Independent Press Awards in the category of How-To. Dr. Gross received a BS in Education and an Ed.D. (Doctorate of Education) with a specialty in Curriculum and Instruction from the University of Houston. She earned her Master’s degree in Secondary Education with a focus on Psychology from the University of St. Thomas in Houston. Dr. Gross received her second PhD in Psychology, with a concentration in Jungian studies. Dr. Gross was the recipient of Kappa Delta Pi An International Honor Society in Education. Dr. Gross was elected member of the International English Honor Society Sigma Tau Delta.