There was silence. I’m sure at this moment in the movies all you could hear were babies crying, but there was nothing. I could only hear the silence.
The room was noisy, but there was still silence.
I could hear the clattering of the instruments the doctors were using the stitch me back up, I could see them rushing around.
I could feel no pain, just tugging and I could not take my eyes off my seconds old baby girl who was making no noise.
Time seemed to stand still, as I began to feel a surge of panic take over me I heard some spluttering and then a loud cry and I came back into my body and cried with a sense of relief as the nurses brought my baby over to us.
I knew as I held this little girl in my arms that my life would change forever, but I never understood how much.
The days went by slowly, and I found myself crying uncontrollably for hours at a time, not having a clue what was going on. I couldn’t understand why I felt so helpless when I have such a beautiful baby girl to take care of.
The truth was that I couldn’t take care of myself at this time, and it became painful inside. My mind was spiralling out of control and the dark cloud OCD I had been diagnosed with during my pregnancy began to grow bigger and bigger until I would wake up in the night wanting to scratch my eyes out because of the pain and disgust I held towards myself. The thoughts kept coming out of nowhere. One minute I would be fine and then, without any warning a thought of taking my own life would just appear in my head.
As time went by, the thoughts became less and less. Instead of being minutes apart, they would become hours apart. This went on for a while, and I knew I had to find some help. I just didn’t want to say out loud what was happening.
I didn’t want to admit to myself that I had a problem, let alone share it with anyone else.
After suffering in silence for a year I sought help through the doctor and they sent me to see a psychotherapist. The work we did was helpful, and it reduced the low moods, the judgement I held towards myself slightly and I did begin to feel a little better but it was still there. It just wasn’t as often.
I returned to a sales job when my baby turned 18 months and through this I stumbled across NLP – Neuro Linguistic Programming.
Initially, I wanted to train in NLP to support my sales team, and develop my sales performance and my teams performance.
“Please can I ask, is your unconscious mind ready to make this change and for you to be aware of it consciously?” Were the words I heard as I sat in the chair for the second week of the NLP Training.
Time seemed to stand still, as I began to feel a huge black cloud move from over me and I came back into my body.
My eyes were full of tears, something inside of me moved. I have no idea what it was at the time but I felt it. Inside of me I knew that something was different. Opening my eyes I didn’t recognise what I saw, everything was so colourful and seemed bigger and clear.
There was silence. I’m sure at this moment I should be able to hear some self talk, some judgemental words coming from myself about myself, but there was nothing. I could only hear the silence.
The room was noisy, but there was still silence.
I could see the other NLP students around us, I could see them rushing around.
I could hear no noise, just see everyone around me and I could not take my eyes off the woman who had just gone through the NLP Technique with me.
I knew as I held my hand to my mouth in shock that my life would change forever, but I never understood how much.
Rebecca is an #1 best selling Author, NLP Coach & Trainer, a mum to 2 girls and she teaches female entrepreneurs the art and science of NLP. You can get a free copy of Rebecca’s book The Females Handbook: Step into your Personal Potential by going to www.RebeccaLockwood.org.uk.