About a year after my 35-year-old son and his wife moved from Los Angeles to Seattle to be closer to family, I noticed that I still missed him. The times when we were together involved a birthday party or a holiday with a crowd around the dinner table. And he has two young children, so finishing a sentence is tough. I did a brave thing. I told him I wanted to know him – to have the time every week or so to talk and listen and learn who he is now and to share about my own life. We started our Monday morning coffee dates. And it’s one of the most fulfilling things on my weekly calendar.
Changing the relationship from parent/child to peers or friends can be difficult for many parents. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t lean into my adult kids as if they are my BFF’s. I maintain healthy boundaries around my sharing and seeking of help. I have friends my age and a good therapist for that. More, I want an ongoing conversation and connection with my adult children as they navigate what may be the busiest season of their lives.
You may be wanting the same thing. Here’s what I would offer from my own experience to strengthen your relationship with your adult children.
1. Respect for Their Independence
I think one of the more difficult parts of changing the relationship with your kids is coming to terms with the idea that they don’t need you like they did. Consider that this is a huge win for you as a parent! You got your job done. They are able to live independently and wind their way through life’s ups and downs. Your job now is to appreciate their independence and encourage their choices. It’s no longer up to you. They may make choices that you wouldn’t. It’s okay. You can learn how to let go of thinking it should go your way. This is a meditation. Honor and support your adult child’s independence, even if it’s hard for you to understand.
2. Open-hearted Communication
To have a relationship, you need open-hearted communication. This means listening and sharing in a non-judgmental and compassionate way. It’s no longer your job to patch up your child’s life. That’s their job. Try not to give unsolicited advice. This kills connection. I often say that the thing I’ve had to learn to be in relationship with my kids as adults is the ability to keep my mouth shut. This allows me to listen more and reflect back what I’ve heard. This is the more challenging part of communication for many of us.
3. Quality Time and Shared Activity
A big part of knowing a person more intimately is simply about time in. You spend time together – either doing things you both enjoy, like a hike in the woods or making a meal together. Or like my son and I do, enjoying a good cup of coffee together and a few minutes out of the fray of our lives. Figure out what you and your adult child might enjoy doing together and get it on your calendar!
Being in relationship with your kids across the whole of their lives is worth every bit of effort you put into it. Stay connected and close even if you don’t live close by. Listen and support their choices. Become a good friend by lightening up on your judgment and opinions. You’ll be so glad you did.