My husband and I have five living adult children. They all live nearby. We are very connected to their lives, their families and their struggles. The good news is that they share a lot with us. At the same time, as I told my husband the other day, it’s so much harder to be a parent now than when they were little. Their problems and struggles are bigger and gnarlier. There is definitely more to worry about. My husband and I could have a full-time job just wringing our hands. But that’s not super helpful.
So, what is more helpful when your adult children are struggling? I’ve had the good fortune of having lots of opportunities to practice, learn and mop up messes along the way. I hope to share with you some of what I’ve learned so that you can have a smoother journey creating connection with your adult children when the stakes are high.
Thank them for sharing.
First and foremost, it’s important to acknowledge the trust that is evident in the relationship by the fact that they are sharing something difficult or challenging. I didn’t share much with my mom. I didn’t think she could handle it. Or worse, I was afraid she would be dismissive and indifferent to my struggles. So, I didn’t share. We talked weather and golf scores. When your adult child wants to confide in you, that means something. Thank them for sharing what they are up against. It’s a big deal.
Don’t give advice.
Next, above all, don’t give advice they didn’t ask for. The knee-jerk reaction is to want to fix what’s broken. But this is no longer your role. Consider that you are more like a trusted advisor now. In this new role, have lots of good questions at the ready. “What have you already considered?” “Do you want my thoughts on this, or do you just want vent and have me listen?” “What is your greatest fear?” Questions like this draw your adult child out more and allow them to hear themselves think. Later, more clarity may come to them about their own situation.
Encourage them.
When an adult child is at a low point in life, one of the most important things you can do to help them is to encourage them by empowering and supporting them. Be the one who reminds them that they can do it. After all, you’ve known them their whole life. Be an ongoing reminder of their strength, their resiliency, their past successes. Help them remember the best of who they are.
No shoulds.
Don’t give feedback hoping they will change. I refer to this kind of feedback as “shoulding on your child” since it often begins with “You should…” Don’t do it. There is only one person you can change. Do you know who that is? It’s you. If you want your adult child to stop complaining, why don’t you give it a go? Be the example. Show the way. Anything you think they should do, turn it around: “I should…” This keeps you out of mischief.
Do nothing.
Your central challenge is to expand your skill in being with their distress and not moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. Again, that’s not your job anymore; it’s theirs.
I remember one conversation with my thirty-something son. He was struggling at work. He was pretty sure he needed to start looking for a new job. And then, all of a sudden, he was unemployed. It was a scramble to find another job. His family needed his income. He was in pain and fear as he shared all of this with me. My job was to keep breathing and stay with him. Not to try to give him advice or a large check to cover his expenses. He needed me to be sturdier than he was in that moment.
My anchor was my own experience with him. I know my son to be resourceful and a strong leader. He’s a good team player and very hirable. I also know that life has a way of turning out, even with things that don’t seem like they will. That gave me the steadiness to breathe and stay in my seat and not freak out. Another person freaking out certainly wasn’t going to be helpful. So, I did nothing but stay right with him.
Maintaining a solid relationship with your adult children is even more challenging when life hits them with a wallop. But if you can shift your perspective from fixing to being fully present and caring about them through the difficulty, you will remain a sturdy and steady force in their lives at a time when they need it most.