My journey began on a rainy October day in 2006. My seemingly perfect life was shattered by the murder of my beloved husband, Jonas. Jonas was a man of such integrity and he was loved by all that knew him. His laugh and light shined around him like a beacon of joy. He always saw the best in others and lived in the present moment. When he was alive I never got it. How could someone not have regrets? How could someone only see the best in others? He did so many things for others without expecting anything in return. He would often say “he never felt any regrets because everything had taught him something.”
When Jonas died I thought I couldn’t go on. I felt so lost, my future was over. Should I just give up? This doesn’t happen to people like us.
He was an only child to the most amazing people. They would never hold their grandchildren or see there son grow older. He would be forever preserved in his beautiful 28 year old self. He was so needed in this world. How could someone so good be taken away so violently at such a young age?
Beginning to Transform
Then, amazing things around me started happening. I would hear his voice guiding and uplifting me when I felt like giving up. People that he helped in his life began telling me stories of the little things he did that made such an important impact on their lives. Hundreds of people came to his funeral to say goodbye, it took my breath away. My friend reminded me “it isn’t the way he died that mattered, but rather how he lived.” I hear those words so often. I saw people in their absolute best standing around me like a blanket of love shining their light on top of me. Giving me space within their hearts.
Then it happened…I started to laugh again. Only for a few moments at first, but I did. I can clearly remember those precious moments of feeling okay. I started to live again! Not as I once was but someone that saw life through the lens of true appreciation. I now see my life with him and his death as beautiful blessings in my story.
Reflecting on the Journey
The journey hasn’t been easy. There have been so many dark moments in my life, in my relationships and within myself. The fear of being abandoned again always haunt me . The hatred I felt for the people responsible. The comparing of what is to what was. I’ve made some wrong turns and hurt people I care about with my pain. But I regret nothing. I can now see all the light that that was always present in my life, then and now.
The blessing of my connection to God and my inner self that led me to find my peace.
Meeting my amazing soul partner, Dan that truly accepts me as I am and has loved me in a way I never thought possible . I see the blessing in my beautiful daughter Olivia’s eyes knowing she was always supposed to be mine. The blessing to fully forgive the people responsible for my husband’s murder and see them with compassion. The beautiful blessing of my sweet Jonas and all my beautiful memories of such an amazing man.
I share this story to you to let you know you there is always light in any situation. You can view your pain as a curse or as a blessing . You can use your story of transformation to help others navigate their own journey through life. You can forgive yourself for the things you did in a time of fear and anger. Your love and compassion towards others can be a reason for them to not make a horrible decision in their life…one that would lead to such a terrible place.
I still miss him everyday. There is space inside my soul that will always belong to him. But I would do it again always. His love lives inside me, guiding me directing me to give my light to others. To help others believe even in the darkest moments, there is always light.