My experience of observing the shenanigans of my mind. and no, its not me!
In the shower
It happened in the shower. As the cold water hit me, my body shuddered and did a little shiver as the feeling took over me.
In that brief moment between turning on the faucet and the water hitting me was a moment. A moment where my mind was making up stories for why I should turn on the geyser and not bathe in the cold shower.
It made me dilly dally, procrastinate, wonder around in the bathroom, straring in the mirror, talking to myself, all sorts of things before I stood firmly under the shower and turned on the faucet.
The morning run
A similar experience is when I have to get up to go for my morning run. The alarm rings and I wake up to turn it off. In that moment, the mind is telling me to take a snooze, it goes on to tell me that I can run in the evening, why wake up now?, its cold outside and the blanket is nice and warm, snuggle up to your partner and wake up in 30 mins, you slept late last night, give yourself some allowance.
This is my mind talking to me, my body.
I have to ignore what it says and stand up and get going. Once I get going, its not enough. Even at the lift, it will tell me to only do 3 kms and not the usual 6. It will start to argue with me about why I should not be hard on my body, take care of my knees and a host of other arguments against going running.
I observe that whenever I have tried to do something that is not routine or something that does not come naturally to me, my mind starts to make up reasons for not doing it.
Ironically, it will not stop me from having a smoke, or having another peg of whiskey or even a spoonful more of that biryani even when I am feeling stuffed.
The mind and the body, are in cahoots! They conspire to keep each other’s needs met and in a comfortable space. Keep doing what is being done, go with what is pleasurable (which is the bodily need), ignore things that I want to do which may not serve their purpose.
The mind especially is the mischief monger! The renegade, the selfish one! It has only evolved to fulfill only one sole purpose. That is to protect itself and in doing so, protect the body that houses it. Its identity, of sorts.
It is strange that I write about my mind and my body as a 2 other people. They seem to be separate from who I am. They are not me and I am not them.
But at the same time the experience seems so integrated. It seems so ‘one’ that I mistake it to be me only, all the time.
Mind Games
The mind plays such subtle games on me that also prevent me from pursuing what I want to.
It will put a query which then I will google and search for. It will divert my attention, if nothing works it will get me to watch porn which will end in masturbation as a result to appease and fulfill the body’s need. And all this, I don’t know why I have done.
It will distract me from my task, as it gets bored of the task. Even while writing this, It made me look at the phone twice, I picked up the phone but then became conscious and put it down to continue writing. (basically it wanted me to play music)
Many a times when I do find myself watching TV or then surfing my phone, it is the mind which has engaged me in the task to keep me from using it. Or bothering it. It wants to switch off and just operate in suspended animation, it wants my body to be still so that it can just not do anything.
This is not an excuse of blaming my mind for my actions. Yes, I know it seems like that. But when I am not conscious of what I am doing, I cannot be held responsible for what is happening either.
You are not your mind
So to do anything, it is necessary to separate the mind from myself. It is necessary for me to examine the emergence of thoughts so as to understand hen such thoughts come and what purpose do they serve for my mind and body. What will they do to me? Will they push me to the edge or are they aimed to keep me comfortable.
The mind is a monkey, it needs to play, do its own thing. Not be told hat to do. Just like a child. Its playful too. It constantly searches for trivia to engage me in. It will push up queries, questions, which are irrelevant.
It makes me feel that its my need for information, but why do I have this need for information in the first place?
How will this constant flow of information help me or is relevant to me?
Going back to the shower..….The separation of mind, body and me, are key in understanding self.
I know I sound like a schizopherenic when I am saying all this, but then the mind is not me, it is housed in the same being as me. We share the same body and have gotten to be identified as one.