Like most of you, even though we know that all things happen in God’s timing, it doesn’t matter how many times we tell ourselves that, we still go about our business making our own plans, we are women that’s just what we do.
So here was “My Perfect Plan”
- I was going to get myself my dream husband, which I did, exactly 3 months after arriving in Canada, I met Roger….YESSSSS
- I was going to have my dream wedding which I did, one year after meeting Roger. We were married in October 2009. AND
- I was going to get pregnant right away, but Nope, this plan did not happen. What I thought would happen within the first month just like everything else was flowing according to plan…..you know. I met the dream husband, had the dream wedding but the pregnancy didn’t not happen on the first try, neither the second try. In fact, it did not happen in the first year of trying.
We tried and tried and tried and nothing.
You see this pregnancy was not just for me, it was for my whole family. It was for my parents, it was for Roger’s parents, it was for my friends, his friends and everyone else who was asking when the baby is coming. Whooosah. It can be so pressuring.
As I trudged my way through every doctor’s visit and unfamiliar tests such as endometrial sampling (a test to study the lining of your uterus); ultrasound scans, sonohysterogram and hysterosalpingogram, semen analysis (for Roger)cycle monitoring and just the frustration of being poked with a needle every other day pretty much, I began spiralling down the path of fear, sadness and shame. Nothing prepares us as women for the complicated emotions of infertility. It does not factor into our plans until it is thrust upon us.
When I finally found out I were pregnant, I knew I probably should have waited three months before I told everybody (you know how they say to wait until after 3 months and you are beyond the high risk first trimester) but I just couldn’t contain my excitement, I told everybody. I wanted this to be true and I thought I was speaking life and speaking existence into this pregnancy by announcing it to everybody. But unfortunately, there was different plans in store.
So I had my first miscarriage and that joy suddenly turned into sorrow when I had to tell all my friends and family who were cheering for me and Roger that all these plans they had for me had to be put on temporary hold and unfortunately that temporary hold was put on hold for the second time and third time- three miscarriages.
I started to question how many more holds I can take, how many more pauses can I take what’s wrong with me, what’s wrong with Roger. Instead of thinking God was saying not now, I was too busy asking why not? Because again I was operating in my time.
After many disappointments in treatments and not being fully equipped with the information, awareness, experience or even knowing someone who had been through infertility to help to guide me through the roller coaster of emotions I went through. The diagnosis of ‘unexplained infertility’ came and this led to more confusion and shame.
According to Womenshealth.gov Infertility means not being able to get pregnant after one year of trying (or six months if a woman is 35 or older). Women who can get pregnant but are unable to stay pregnant may also be infertile
I just could not understand why Infertility chose me.
For 5 years I struggled with infertility and for 5 years I question if God would ever bless this womb with a child. I wondered and I struggled if I was the woman for the ‘mom’ job. If I would be capable, or is God trying to tell me something. I wrestled with that but now that I have been blessed with my miracle baby Faith-because you know God work through perfect timing I think God put me through all of this so I can serve as a light for other women journeying.
A friend once told me that when we go through pain and suffering, we should not sweep it under the carpet and pretend like it did not happen to us but to use it to encourage others.
So as difficult as my Journey to Faith was, I now know that God was using my misery and mess to refine my message, he was walking with me through those painful years because he had a purpose and a plan for my life and that the end of my worry over living with infertility was the beginning of my faith.
Scientific research in Canada shows that 1 in 6 women is diagnosed with infertility, and 1 in 4 women will experience a pregnancy loss. Statistics also shows that if you suffer from a miscarriage in the past, you are at a higher risk to miscarry again, this is me. The hard truth is Infertility is more common than it is talked about, miscarriage is more common than it is talked about and so my mission as an infertility coach is to breaking that silence and exposing the taboos about infertility because that 1in 6 is me and believe it or not that 1 in 6 statistics is
- your sister, and
- 1 in 6 is your daughter, and
- 1 in 6 women is your niece, and
- 1 in 6 women is your best friend, and
- 1 in 6 women is your aunt and
- that 1 in 6 women is your co-worker who remains silent due to shame despite the hurt she is feeling.
That 1 in 6 women is Michelle Obama. In fact, Michelle Obama in her book “Becoming” said “women are doing a disservice to each other when they do not share their story. Gabrielle Union is that 1 in 6 women who used a surrogate to conceive her baby and has openly shared her story so other women will move pass the shame and know that there is a community of women waiting to support them.
The statistics .is not to evoke fear in you, but I bring up the statistics for women reading this who are too scared to share their story, who think that something is wrong with them and when they hear that 1 in 6 women will experience a miscarriage or be diagnosed with infertility to realize that that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Yes I am 1 in 6 and I guarantee you that there are one or two women who will read this blog who falls into this 1 in 6 statistics and if you are and you feel brave enough, if you feel safe enough you should comment below so I see your courage and we see each other.
There is hope though and logically a lot of us think that when we miscarry for the first time, we believe that something is wrong with us, that we are we flawed, that we are broken. Read this a few times and let it sink in
- You are not broken,
- You are not flawed
- Nothing is wrong with you
- It is not your fault
Even though science says 1 in 6 women will be affected by infertility, we also have to look at what God said about us, which is literally what I had to do after I had reached my breaking point of looking at the wrong sources and people to guide me.
Forget about statistics for a moment and let me take it home in the spiritual realm. What did God say about you?
- “With man this (baby) is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26
- “You will be blessed more than any other people; none of your men or women will be childless (without a baby), nor will any of your livestock be without young” Deuteronomy 7:14 and my all time favourite
- “At exactly the time God said it would happen, Sarah became pregnant and gave birth to a son for Abraham in his old age”- Genesis 21:2
So for the women reading this who are not sharing in the comments yet….ask yourself why aren’t you releasing that pain?
- Are you carrying shame?
- Are you carrying blame?
- Are you thinking it is your fault?
- How many of you have told yourself that you are too old?
- How many of you said my infertility or miscarriage must be sins of the father?
- How many of you have told yourself you do not deserve to be a mother?
- How many of you are blaming your partners?
- How many of you have been carrying around these negative emotions?
Sometimes the toughest lesson is not accepting that you had a miscarriage or a diagnosis, but it is accepting that it’s not your fault.
If you are still here and is still reading this, I know that pain does not go away for 9 months, maybe it’s been going on for 9 years. Give it your final push and release it, write it down and burn it and reaffirm today they “I am perfectly and wonderfully made” and that ”No weapon formed against you (not even infertility) shall prosper”
Finally, just like God said in the beginning Weeping, Pain or Sorrow may last for the night but joy comes in the morning. Faith, is my joy that came in morning. So, Faith It till you make it. Baby Dust and Prayers for you