Take a look around at the people you know that have primary partner relationships. How many of them are happy? Do you see any that are a mutual contribution to each other? Filled with joy, fun, play bliss and adventure? Unfortunately, most of us would say thriving relationships are rare. Rather, unfulfilled at best and daily living in misery at worst.
Having a relationship that adds value to every area of your life is possible and if this is something you desire, you need look no further. Everything you require is right here because everything you require is you.
Perhaps you have been told that relationships that work require hard work, compromise and self-sacrifice. Likely, that is what you were shown by those around you as well. What if all of that were a lie? What if giving up you is actually what destroys relationships and guarantees their failure? You are the most valuable product in your relationships, your business, and your life and when you truly know this you become the source of your life, you uncover possibilities you could not see before and you discover a satisfaction that causes you to wake up in the morning, enthusiastic to start the day.
Often times, when our lives, including our relationships, are not what we desire them to be, we try to change the other person. We expect them to be for us what we are not being for ourselves which only leads to resentment. Creating something different starts with you choosing you. Choosing you does not mean that have to separate from anyone. Choosing you does not mean you have to fight against anyone or anything. Choosing you is simply recognizing that you are a gift and that only when you cultivate a relationship with you and include you in the equation of your life, can you have what you desire. Happiness has never been outside of you. You have been the source all along.
Regardless of your current relationship status, 2022 should be a year where YOU are raising a glass to YOU. Cheers to you for waking up every morning and doing what is required. Cheers to you for all the times you have had your own back. Cheers to you for never giving up, never giving in and never quitting.
There are 5 elements that create intimacy in relationships and practicing these elements with yourself is where living the life you desire in all areas can begin.
If you joined me in you raising a glass to you, then you have already begun practicing gratitude so let’s keep going! Who do you expect to be grateful for you? What if you let go of those expectations and made the choice to be grateful for you instead? Start a gratitude journal. Every day write down 1-3 things that you would like to thank you for. When you are brushing your teeth in the morning and before you go to bed at night, reflect on your list. Every time you start to judge yourself, every time you notice an expectation that someone should be grateful for you, take out your list and read it.
An extra benefit of gratitude is that judgment and gratitude cannot exist in the same place. The more gratitude you have for you, the less you will judge you. What if you could look in the mirror every morning and rather than seeing everything you have decided is a flaw, you saw your beauty, your brilliance and your greatness? It is there. Will you acknowledge it?
Vulnerability is often viewed as weakness. Vulnerability actually is immense strength. One aspect of vulnerability is the willingness to look at what is true for you, with no walls, barriers or defenses and choose it even if others don’t understand.
Have you ever asked yourself what it is that you desire as your life? Would you ask it now and be honest with yourself about whatever is true for you? What you desire may be very different from anyone else on the planet. What if that were ok? Vulnerability allows you to be what is true for you, without having to defend it or justify it to anyone. Rather, simply choose it.
How aware are you of what everyone around you desires and requires? How often do you simply fulfill their wishes either out of habit or because you stopped honoring and including you? One way to begin to honor you is to do more of what you love. Have a look at it. What lights you up? What makes you come alive? Get a notepad and start writing these things down. Don’t stop until you have at least 20. As you look at your list, ask, “Am I doing enough of what I love?” If the answer is no, choose one thing and start. You don’t have to take on the whole list. This is not about destroying the life you currently have. Rather, take a baby step by starting and choosing to honor you will continue to grow.
What if you knew that no matter what occurs in your life, you will be there for you, you will follow what is true for you and you will have your own back? This is what true trust is about. True trust is not about blindly putting your faith in someone else, expecting them to do what you have decided is the right thing. This definition of trust is based on expectations and only leads to disappointment. Trust you. You’ve got this. This does not mean that you reject everyone. Nor does it mean that you cannot receive kindness, assistance or any other form of contribution from others. On the contrary, when you trust you, you are able to receive more from others because you no longer buy the lie that you have to protect yourself.
When you have allowance for you, you can have the vulnerability of seeing what you have decided is the good, the bad and the ugly of you and not judge any of it. What if the next time you made a choice that did not turn out the way you desired, rather than scrutinizing yourself, you asked, “What’s right about me that I am not getting?” And, “What’s right about this that I am not getting?” These questions allow you to let go of the judgment of you and bring you back to the gratitude to you, for you.
Using these 5 elements of intimacy with yourself may take some practice. That is okay! Be kind to you and allow yourself the time and space to daily keep choosing. You don’t have to master it all at once. At the end of every day, I invite you to stand in front of the mirror and say, “Everywhere I did not choose to be the 5 elements of intimacy with me, I now let that all go. How much more can I choose them moving forward?” Return to gratitude for you, raise another glass, it can be wine, water or whatever choose, thank you for you and let the adventures begin.