Have you ever met anyone who seems strangely compelling, they agree with everything you say, a soulmate you think to yourself? It’s a whirlwind affair. They have lots of stories to share, they are lots of fun, they know lots of people. They look perfect on paper.
When you are in it, it is all consuming. It is difficult to detach and see the relationship for what it is – temporary and smothering.
Let’s take a look at how we got there in the first place.
Most often we attract what we know. It is also in our DNA to choose the shiniest, healthiest, more likely to survive person to carry on our genetic line.
How we select a mate is also hidden in our genes. We want two things in a relationship chemistry, sizzle, passion, fun, excitement, the ‘magic’ part and then friendship, communication, support, trust, and commitment. After this we look at contribution. Are both people 100%? It’s not 50/50, it’s 100% for it to work. Are you all in or all out?
Intentionally they intertwine themselves into the fabric of your life so that you no longer know where you begin and where they end.
The secret to a narcissist’s success is that they are magnetic manipulators, too good to be true. But it’s my twin flame or soulmate you truly believe.
I had a professional colleague who I was lucky enough to be spared his spell. I had healthy boundaries and he was more interested in what I could teach him, so he didn’t want to screw that up, or my strong boundaries. He had relationships with hundreds and hundreds of women. Each one of the women believed they were his soul mate, no matter how poorly he treated them, used them to work for him for free, cheat on them, or blatantly lie to them. His lies were so magnificent, he told one of the women he was stuck in the subway during 9/11 and that’s why he didn’t call her back for 7 days. The truth is he was courting his latest wife, now an ex. She helped build his business into an empire and he still could not control himself.
It was always only about his needs. All these women were successful and smart, but he prayed upon women who had insecurities, self-image issues, or low self-worth. His spell reached from beyond the grave, his tribe of women are emotional scarred and couldn’t move on as he was their soul mate. They are now stuck in time.
As the self-centeredness warps into narcissism, it is becoming an epidemic. Its-all-about-me.com. The problem with that is only one person can be a member of that website. The rest are visitors.
Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist
As the months go on, here are clues you may be dating a narcissist:
- They have no boundaries – they’ve moved into your space with out permission, at first glance it looks so familiar and natural, you are having fun together. All their stuff is at your house or vice versa. You went from kindergarten to university in about 3 weeks or less. ‘It feels so right when I am with them’, you think. They have taken over your life.
- The conversation always turns to them and their needs.
- Subtle belittling – no one else would love you like I do.
- Your friends turn into only one friend – you are controlled and caged.
- The fun stops and the fighting begins – every time you have an independent thought or lunch with someone else there is jealousy, martyrium, and manipulation. ‘How could you do this to me?’ An example – I had a 17-year-old teenager assist at one of my workshops. I wanted to take her out for dinner after as a bonus. It was a treat for her to go out for dinner. She really wanted to, but she said her mom would get mad if she went for dinner without her.
They control with emotions, sex, and money.
Catch and Release Prescription
- Healthy boundaries – it takes 6-months to truly get to know someone. At about 3-months the cracks start to show. If this is ‘the one’, then why is there a rush?
- It’s them it’s not you – if you say ‘let’s go for counselling’, and they don’t want to. You go and get support to leave as soon as possible, don’t call them back, don’t text, and don’t open the door or pick them up form the airport after a fight.
- Keep your normal activities such as workouts, lunch with friends, keep your own social circle.
The best thing to do for your own sanity is to let go and move on.
Simone Fortier