To just sit, to rest, to check in, to create.
This weekend has been a lot of nothing, in the best way.
Reading, resting, carpooling my kids, and cheering them on at their games.
After being gone nearly a month, it feels right to just sit for a bit.
I am gaining energy to meal plan and prep for the first time in weeks.
Laundry is going.
My candles are lit.
I tidied the kitchen.
A frozen mango pineapple smoothie is thawing on the counter,
for me to enjoy when I finish my coffee.
I had a conversation with my husband this morning about our outdoor space.
We see things differently.
We have different ideas, goals, and priorities.
Landscaping or patio furniture?
I say both.
He does not.
I was able to speak my mind and not demand a decision.
We came to some conclusions and some things are still left unknown.
I can let it simmer.
The answers will come.
I wasn’t able to take this kind of pause, this while drinking.
I recognize that.
There will be compromise and we will find a way to work together.
We’ve done it a million times before and it doesn’t have to happen all at once.
I can give ideas room to grow.
I was not happy with my teenage daughter last night.
I was furious to tell you the truth.
I didn’t overreact.
I didn’t do or say anything I regret.
I practiced patience and self control.
I let things unfold.
I stood my ground.
I was able to communicate with her in the loving, respectful, compassionate, parental way that I want to.
It wasn’t easy, and I feel like a bratty 16 year old myself much of the time, but I behaved like a real super mom.
I gave us some space.
I stopped myself from flying off the handle.
I resisted the urge to argue, win the fight, or to put her in her place.
Anyone raising a strong willed teenager girl, (who is just like you), will understand how hard this is.
I wasn’t able to practice self control and or discipline, while drinking.
I needed power, control, and resolution in my favor at all costs.
I need to be right and for everyone to know it,
admit it,
and say it outloud.
I was a persecutor.
It is still my natural tendency, if I am being completely honest.
I take a breath now.
I think about what I want most, instead of what I want immediately.
I work towards long term solutions, which include not only a short term fix for the issue at hand, but a desire to deepen and strengthen a valuable relationship.
It’s things like this that have improved my life since ditching the drink.
They are subtle and they are huge.
They enhance my inner peace.
It’s not that I am agreeable all the time.
It’s that I can speak my mind, stand up for myself, and allow my thoughts and feelings to be heard.
I can also flex, I can learn, I can be wrong.
I can let things sit in process.
I can see another point of view.
I can create new ideas and let go of demanding one way is the only way.
So just sitting here on a Sunday morning, with my dog at my feet.
Enjoying my last cup of coffee before I move on.
Feeling really proud and grateful for my growth.
Recognizing even in disagreement with my loved ones, I remain at peace.
It is everything.
No one stormed off.
No one yelled.
No one is holding any grudges.
It’s a much better way to live and I have my sobriety to thank for it.
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