According to a recent American Academy of Sleep Medicine survey a growing number of American couples are choosing to sleep separately, a phenomenon that has been clumsily termed “sleep divorce.” But choosing to sleep apart is hardly a divorce and, in fact, it can be a sign of a healthy relationship. Why not call it a “sleep alliance” instead?
As a sleep researcher with over 20 years of experience conducting research and working clinically with individuals and couples, I have seen firsthand how critical sleep is not only for individual health and well-being, but also for relationship health. Historically, the science of couples and sleep has been a largely neglected topic, but in recent years, there has been more discussion about couples’ sleep, with a surge in media attention about the increasing number of couples, including celebrity couples, choosing to sleep separately. Yet, the continued use of the term “sleep divorce” carries negative connotations that may deter couples from considering what could otherwise be a highly beneficial arrangement.
Research shows that sleep among co-sleeping partners is highly interdependent—30% of an individual’s sleep (or lack thereof) is influenced by their bed partner’s sleep. For many couples, sleeping together confers numerous benefits, not only for sleep, but also for their relationship bond, by increasing opportunities for physical and emotional intimacy and fostering feelings of safety and security, which can benefit sleep and the relationship.
But not all couples sleep together in heavenly bliss. Sharing a bed can exacerbate sleep issues due to differences in sleep preferences, schedules, or disturbances like snoring. In other words, there may be a tipping point where the psychological benefits of sleeping together are outweighed by the consequences to sleep. That’s why it is so important not to be prescriptive about how or whether couples should sleep together or apart, because it may work for some but not for others.
The term sleep alliance suggests a collaborative and couples-centered approach to sleep, rather than a separation or societally-proscribed norm. It implies that couples are working together to ensure both partners get the rest they need, fostering a healthier relationship dynamic. This rebranding is not about sleeping apart as a sign of relationship issues, but rather about prioritizing mutual well-being and health.
A sleep alliance allows each partner to create a sleep environment tailored to their preferences, whether that’s a cooler room, a firmer mattress, or specific bedtime routines. This might involve sleeping in separate beds or rooms, but it can also include other strategies like using earplugs, white noise machines, sleep masks, or individualized bedding to satisfy differences in temperature preferences or to quell sheet-stealing. When both partners are well-rested, they are likely to be less irritable and more supportive, leading to a stronger, more positive relationship.
Rebranding sleep divorce as a sleep alliance could help couples avoid conflicts and shame from the beginning of their relationship by encouraging them to recognize that negotiating sleeping arrangements is like any other problem-solving exercise couples must deal with.
To form a sleep alliance, couples should start with open communication. Discuss sleep needs and preferences openly and without judgment. Understanding each other’s sleep challenges is the first step in finding solutions. Be willing to try different arrangements and see what works best.
Clinically, I encourage couples to try different strategies before zeroing-in on a permanent strategy. The COVID-19 pandemic offered such an experimental opportunity, where some couples, out of necessity, stumbled onto the strategy of occasionally sleeping apart, only to find that it significantly improved their sleep quality and overall relationship satisfaction.
Another key to proactive communication is to make sure to time these discussions optimally. Conversations in the middle of the night or after a sleepless night rarely end well, as lack of sleep compromises emotion regulation, problem-solving and communication skills. Finally, if sleep issues persist or are severe, consider consulting a sleep specialist who can provide tailored advice and strategies and determine if a sleep disorder in one or both partners is the root cause of the problem.
By viewing separate slumber as a sleep alliance, rather than a sleep divorce, more couples may consider an option that has led to better sleep and healthier relations for many.
Wendy Troxel is a senior behavioral and social scientist at RAND Corporation, an adjunct professor at the University of Pittsburgh and University of Utah, and author of Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep.