Once a guy well-suited for me came along, I would break up with jack.

Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash

“Rough day, huh!”

“Not quite”

“Do you mind?” Jack asked pulling out a chair towards my table.

“It’s a free world.” I responded.

It was a lonely Friday evening. My ex-boyfriend had broken up with me a month earlier, and since then I had episodes of emotional breakdown. For this reason, I came to the club that night to drink my anxiety away.

Jack, by default, became my companion for the night. He ordered more dinks and I could tell from our conversations that he was brilliant -my type to a T. Much as it sounds pervy, I felt intrinsic relaxation and instantaneous safety in his presence. Then, he asked me for a dance to lighten up my mood.

Needless to say, the night was exhilarating. After that fateful night, we stayed in touch and went on dates. The chemistry between us was crazy. He was the fit to my puzzle.  The catch?

He was a married man.

I was sincere with him about the fact that a relationship with him was totally impossible. All the same, he was relentless and went on and on about how his love for me was deep-rooted, how I made him happy, how intelligent, amazing and beautiful I was.

So sweet were his words that I found myself earnestly considering giving him a chance. I know my moral discernment at this point was disputable. “I’m not out to break his marriage.”  “This would be a meantime relationship, not a real one. Plus, I am not dating anyone so what’s the harm?” I convinced myself.

I had a plan

 Once a guy well-suited for me came along, I would break up with jack. It sounded so easy at first, but I eventually developed feelings for him. We hooked up severally and I found myself wanting more. Being in this position took my outlook of our casual relationship on a complete 360. The reality of an actual relationship with him being impossible was no longer a blip on my radar. Our relationship became messy as I dismissed the limits we had set in our relationship.

I would constantly call late in the night, ask him to come up with excuses to spend the night at my place. He hardly gave in to my demands. On and on it went until his wife discovered his extra marital affair. The day came when he had to choose between the two of us, and he chose his wife!!

The rejection hit me hard and made me snap back to reality

Unfortunately, it took me a while to realize the following about meantime relationships:

They end in premium tears

While both parties involved are aware of their ill-fated relationship from the start, it never ends well. The meanwhile thrills in the affair provide a breeding ground for emotional connection. As a result, everyone involved gets hurt. I was wounded by the rejection and confrontation from his wife. Deeply wounded. The hurt stretched further to the deceived wife, and Jack, the unlikely hurt party was also hurt for being the cause of pain to his beloved wife.

The guilt persists

After coming to terms with reality, my self-esteem took a hit. I wasted almost three years of my life proving my worth to Jack expecting him to realize how perfect I was for him, and eventually leave his wife for me. My actions were misconstrued to be that of a desperate girl (I convinced myself I wasn’t). To him, I was just the girl who would never say no to him. The girl whom he would call at any time to fulfill his sexual desires that were past my sexual comfort. That said, I would never have known peace if their marriage ended because of me. It saddens me till now and the trauma affects my relationship and expectations from men.

I, the mistress was largely to blame

Jack was certainly not blameless as he initiated the romantic adventures, despite being married. However, he told me about his marital status right from the start. I had the option of saying no, and I did not. I was an accomplice to his adulterous affair. In the beginning, I made cheating so smooth for him and helped him in covering his tracks before it later turned out into a messy affair.

Bottom line

It is said that once trust is broken, it’s hard to rebuild. I earnestly believe that the trust she had for his husband Jack, dwindled despite her forgiving him. Never chose to be in a relationship that you already know, will never work. It results to a much worse fate.