If you have ever thought, “how can I set healthy boundaries with my friends, partner, colleagues and family?” Then READ THIS!
I’m not going to pretend like I am a boundary expert. In fact, there are still some areas in my life I need to make my boundaries clearer. However, over time with conversations with friends, coaches, mentors and even my clients I have learnt 3 main ways to set intentional and healthy boundaries. So let’s dive right into it!
- Taking responsibility:
The hard truth is, it is your responsibility to set boundaries for yourself. To put it simply, someone else cannot do it for you (I did say let’s dive into it). Only you can control how you feel and how you respond to situations. Some people are natural ‘takers’ so they find it easy to take but never give; while some are ‘controllers’ and constantly seek out to cross other people’s boundaries. Unfortunately, as you are not in control of how people choose to behave or act, you can only control your own behaviour, emotions, and ultimately your boundaries.
So what can you do about it? Be firm about the boundaries you set. Oftentimes, I hear my clients say things like, “but I’ve told my partner so many times I do not want to do this…because it doesn’t make me happy but they don’t listen”. I’ll tell you what I tell my clients – Dear ‘[insert your name]’, actions SPEAK louder than words.
For instance, if your flatmates always leave the dishes unwashed, leave their clothes lying around and are generally untidy; but you always end up cleaning because you don’t like dirty things hanging about. What that means is, your housemates will always get their job done for them because you always do it and it doesn’t matter how many times you have told them to clean up. If you keep cleaning up after them there will be no responsibility for them to take ownership of. So stop doing it! I know it will be tough but eventually, they will get the point and start cleaning after themselves. You cannot underestimate the power of action. It truly speaks volumes.
- Effective Communication:
Everyone knows the value in effective communication, but with boundary setting, this works both ways. If you don’t tell people your boundaries, how will they know it? And if people don’t tell you about theirs, you will never know. Once you have taken responsibility in setting some boundaries for yourself, the next thing is to plan how you are going to communicate these boundaries.
When I first started setting healthy boundaries for myself this is one aspect I struggled with, because I HATED confrontation. So I am going to give you two great books that literally took me from 0 to 100 in the communication realm. The first is “Boundaries” by Cloud & Townsend and the second, “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. Do give it a read and let me know what you think. I found these books game-changing for myself and the relationships I hold.
A friend once told me, “if confrontation is not your thing, then writing things down first is a good tip.” This way you can recognise your feelings, and then be better prepared to control them when communicating with that friend, colleague, family member or partner. Personally, I find that when I first write down how I feel, I am better able to communicate it constructively rather than in a heated and unproductive conversation.
- Free yourself from guilt:
Yes. Guilt. If you are a natural person-pleaser then you are probably thinking, “but if I set these boundaries, it will offend this or that person”; or “they won’t accept it” or maybe even “I will lose all my friends”. Dear friend, dear person reading this, I want you to highlight with the brightest colour what I’m about to say as the most important thing you will read today ‘YOUR WELLBEING MATTERS” and that should come first before any other thing!
Setting boundaries is not an easy thing at all, in fact, I will tell you, you cannot do this alone. You need a supportive tribe of friends, and you can join my 7-week workshop where you’ll join a supportive network with others who can stand with you and motivate you when you feel you should ‘cancel out’ your boundaries, or when you are feeling too guilty. Change isn’t easy, but it will be worth it if it means your mental health and wellbeing is at a much better state and you are feeling happier and less drained. The truth of the matter is, this may mean you lose some ‘friends’, and frankly, that is OK because the type of people you want around you are only those who want you to be happy, healthy and flourishing.
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Bio: Toluwa Oyeleye is a TEDx speaker, Wellbeing Coach and founder of Tea with Tols- an interactive podcast/video blog that explores a variety of mental and social issues and how to overcome them. She has spent most of her professional career working with individuals around the world, including speaking on world-class stages such as the United Nations, enabling them to make transformative changes in their personal and professional lives as well as their communities.