When faced with opposition and challenges, whether within the workplace or outside it, we often hear the refrain that we need to “stand up for ourselves.” Sometimes, this even involves dealing with someone who is deliberately trying to take advantage of you — something that may require directly confronting your fears.
Unfortunately, this is where many people start to go astray in standing up for themselves. It’s surprisingly easy for “standing up for yourself” to turn into a form of conflict and aggression, rather than using it in the healthy way that sets appropriate boundaries and expectations.
The Need to Stand Up For Yourself
Though standing up for yourself can be an uncomfortable experience, it is often a necessary part of life. As Shawn McCann, Partner at Abogados Fuertes, explained, “There are many people in life who we will encounter who wish to take advantage of us — some in more serious ways than others. If you don’t stand up for yourself, you inevitably become unable to advocate for your own needs. Your priorities and even your well-being can get swept aside because you’re trying to avoid conflict with others, rather than thinking about what is truly best for you.”
Standing up for yourself isn’t just about avoiding negative consequences — it can also positively impact your mental state. A study from the University of Buffalo found that standing up for one’s own beliefs was a “positive psychological experience” that could leave individuals feeling invigorated, like they were working to reach a goal. On the other hand, those who tried to fit in had “cardiovascular responses … consistent with a psychological threat state.” Standing up for yourself can be a positive for self-perception and well-being — but only when done properly.
Where Standing Up For Yourself Goes Wrong
While standing up for yourself can be a net-positive experience, many people go about it the wrong way and instead turn it into a negative. They understand that they shouldn’t be “doormats” or people pleasers but decide that the best way to get their point across is to be aggressive.
At first glance, this is understandable. Depending on the situation, you may be dealing with someone who is pushy and disrespectful. Some situations may warrant a stronger response. But in general, most situations when you’ll need to stand up for yourself are with friends, family or coworkers who don’t fully understand everything you already have on your plate.
When you respond to these individuals in an aggressive or argumentative way, it’s all too easy for conversations to escalate into a fight. Becoming argumentative or defensive isn’t going to solve the problem. Instead, it is likely to result in interpersonal conflict that has nothing to do with the original issue.
On the other end of the spectrum, however, are people who are so worried about creating conflict that they fail to truly stand up for themselves. Andy Molinsky, Ph.D., an expert on business world behavior explains that this often appears by “using ‘qualifiers’ in your speech — words that minimize the strength of your message by apologizing or minimizing what you have to say.” Apologizing or making excuses as you try to stand up for yourself fails to be assertive, and as a result, fails to set strong boundaries.
Doing It Right
Standing up for yourself in an appropriate manner may require some practice, but it can be done. It comes down to developing confidence and assertiveness in how you interact with others.
As Psych Central notes, standing up for yourself primarily revolves around setting healthy boundaries for yourself in a given situation. This requires increasing self-awareness of your own needs (as well as your challenges with standing up for yourself), reframing any beliefs that keep you from setting boundaries and then being willing to suggest other options that respect the needs of everyone involved.
Successfully standing up for yourself also requires being assertive and direct – not being afraid to communicate your needs or concerns – and doing so in a way that doesn’t minimize yourself or come across as pushy, aggressive or rude. Staying calm under pressure is important.
It can be hard to find the right balance as you practice standing up for yourself, and it’s normal for things to not go perfectly the first time. But with a continued focus on showing respect for both sides and seeking to achieve alignment, rather than adopting a winner-take-all mentality, you can remain true to your values without falling into the trap of people pleasing or escalating a conflict.
Taking Control
Standing up for yourself isn’t about winning an argument. It’s about making sure that healthy boundaries are understood and respected by all, so that everyone can work better together toward shared goals.
When done right, standing up for yourself can be a powerful way to regain control of your life and your decisions. At work, it can even help build a stronger workplace culture that respects everyone’s needs, time and capacity.
By standing up for yourself in a respectful, direct and self-aware manner, you can set healthy boundaries without harming the relationships that matter in work and your personal life.