When your child experiences the loss of a loved one – whether a grandparent, parent, sibling, friend, or teacher – he can become detached from his feelings, in a sense, out of time. The worst has happened and, in his mind, nothing can restore a state of normalcy again.

Since bereavement is a particular kind of grief, and not a mental disorder, children do not recover from it. To try is a waste of energy impacted by a sense of failure; it is more a process of adapting.

Your child now must learn to relive without his loved one. Following this destruction of the original self, a new self develops – one who will always be in pain, but who does not have to suffer… as suffering is contraction against the pain. The approach is to allow your child to grieve, to have his pain, and to surrender to it.

Over time, your child integrates the loved one into his life. And like a butterfly that sits on his shoulder, he now lives on with that loved one’s past, present, and future incorporated and internalized.

The steps of grieving include both an inward and outward adjustment. These stages happen either simultaneously or over time. The process itself is a life’s work.

We never sever the ties with the people we have loved and lost.  We do come, however, to an acceptance of a new reality. Life for your child will never be the same again, but it will go on, and the intense pain will soften as it ebbs and flows over the years. It is the way he is guided through his grief process that will determine the quality of how he will live his life.

Healing through love is the alchemy that moves your child forward toward wholeness.  While grieving, you, the parent, should honor and pay attention to his physical, nutritional and emotional needs. It is vital that he be allowed to express his feelings and be with his grief.

The stages of grief, according to Kubler Ross, are:

  1. Denial and isolation
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance
  6. Hope.

It is important at this time to create strategies for your child to affect inward and outward healing. Relationships that have been intact up to this point are often threatened and sometimes dissolved with the onset of grief, as your grieving child transfers his feeling of grief, inadequacy, and guilt to those relationships.

One of the techniques used here to effect an inward healing is analytical therapy – a feedback system used to bring him into conscious awareness. Different children channel their grief in different ways. There is no model of right and wrong, except allowing your child a safe place in which to grieve.

Grief has its own timing, so it in necessary for him to experience the immensity of the process. You must give him permission to live. At first, it is just about getting through the day, realizing that the things that normally define him and his activities are no longer his reality.

Healing begins and ends with the heart. It is a life-long process. In my next blog post, I will share some concrete tips to help you help your child maneuver through the loss of a loved one.


  • Dr. Gail Gross

    Author and Parenting, Relationships, and Human Behavior Expert

    Dr. Gail Gross, Ph.D., Ed.D., M.Ed., a member of the American Psychological Association (APA) and member of APA Division 39, is a nationally recognized family, child development, and human behavior expert, author, and educator. Her positive and integrative approach to difficult issues helps families navigate today’s complex problems. Dr. Gross is frequently called upon by national and regional media to offer her insight on topics involving family relationships, education, behavior, and development issues. A dependable authority, Dr. Gross has contributed to broadcast, print and online media including CNN, the Today Show, CNBC's The Doctors, Hollywood Reporter, FOX radio, FOX’s The O’Reilly Factor, MSNBC, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, Times of India, People magazine, Parents magazine, Scholastic Parent and Child Magazine, USA Today, Univision, ABC, CBS, and KHOU's Great Day Houston Show. She is a veteran radio talk show host as well as the host of the nationally syndicated PBS program, “Let’s Talk.” Also, Dr. Gross has written a semi-weekly blog for The Huffington Post and has blogged at EmpowHER.com since 2013. Recently, Houston Women's Magazine named her One of Houston's Most Influential Women of 2016. Dr. Gross is a longtime leader in finding solutions to the nation’s toughest education challenges. She co-founded the first-of-its kind Cuney Home School with her husband Jenard, in partnership with Texas Southern University. The school serves as a national model for improving the academic performance of students from housing projects by engaging the parents. Dr. Gross also has a public school elementary and secondary campus in Texas that has been named for her. Additionally, she recently completed leading a landmark, year-long study in the Houston Independent School District to examine how stress-reduction affects academics, attendance, and bullying in elementary school students, and a second study on stress and its effects on learning. Such work has earned her accolades from distinguished leaders such as the Dalai Lama, who presented her with the first Spirit of Freedom award in 1998. More recently, she was honored in 2013 with the Jung Institute award. She also received the Good Heart Humanitarian Award from Jewish Women International, Perth Amboy High School Hall of Fame Award, the Great Texan of the Year Award, the Houston Best Dressed Hall of Fame Award, Trailblazer Award, Get Real New York City Convention's 2014 Blogging Award, and Woman of Influence Award. Dr. Gross’ book, The Only Way Out Is Through, is available on Amazon now and offers strategies for life’s transitions including coping with loss, drawing from dealing with the death of her own daughter. Her next book, How to Build Your Baby’s Brain, is also available on Amazon now and teaches parents how to enhance their child’s learning potential by understanding and recognizing their various development stages. And her first research book was published by Random House in 1987 on health and skin care titled Beautiful Skin. Dr. Gross has created 8 audio tapes on relaxation and stress reduction that can be purchased on Amazon.com. Most recently, Dr. Gross’s book, The Only Way Out is Through, was named a Next Generation Indie Book Awards Silver Medal finalist in 2020 and Winner of the 2021 Independent Press Awards in the categories of Death & Dying as well as Grief. Her latest book, How to Build Your Baby’s Brain, was the National Parenting Product Awards winner in 2019, the Nautilus Book Awards winner in 2019, ranked the No. 1 Best New Parenting Book in 2019 and listed among the Top 10 Parenting Books to Read in 2020 by BookAuthority, as well as the Next Generation Indie Book Awards Gold Medal winner in 2020 and Winner of the 2021 Independent Press Awards in the category of How-To. Dr. Gross received a BS in Education and an Ed.D. (Doctorate of Education) with a specialty in Curriculum and Instruction from the University of Houston. She earned her Master’s degree in Secondary Education with a focus on Psychology from the University of St. Thomas in Houston. Dr. Gross received her second PhD in Psychology, with a concentration in Jungian studies. Dr. Gross was the recipient of Kappa Delta Pi An International Honor Society in Education. Dr. Gross was elected member of the International English Honor Society Sigma Tau Delta.