Is there a date that stirs up emotions for you? Mine is June 4th.

It’s the day my third child passed away. I have never felt so helpless in my life. I remember sobbing, in a stupid paper gown, left alone in a tiny room, and gagging uncontrollably from disbelief. Three days later, I had surgery and my child became another miscarriage statistic.

I was so mad – mad at my body for failing me, mad at the insensitive responses from people, mad at the doctor and Vanderbilt hospital for their stupid mistakes as they prepped me for surgery, mad at other families with healthy babies, and mad at myself for taking life for granted.

There is a quote by Jodi Picoult that has always stuck with me. “There’s always going to be bad stuff out there. But here’s the amazing thing – light trumps darkness, every time. You stick a candle into the dark, but you can’t stick the dark into the light.” It’s a reminder that bad shit happens, but it’s what you do afterwards that matters.

So, June 4th will always have a special place in my heart because it was the day that inspired me to realize:

  • What real grace looks like. I finally accepted that I can’t do everything. I need help and there are people in my life that want to help.
  • Some shit doesn’t matter! Every day things happen, and the negativity is toxic because it can blind you into believing it’s never going to get better. I realized that I was putting too much pressure on myself and expecting entirely too much. I’ve accepted if no one has died and I’m not going to jail, then it’s probably not as big of a deal as I’m making it.
  • I am strong. Birthing two children was definitely empowering but having to let a child go is humbling. Not only do I have a newfound appreciation for life, but I recognized the things you take for granted. There are so many privileges that I have and selfishly didn’t recognize. June 4th serves as a yearly reminder to check in with myself and assess my mindset.
  • Vulnerability is a superpower. Being honest and sharing my feelings have allowed me to connect with others on a deeper level. The ability to be vulnerable has helped me identify gratitude and learn from others.

I think June 4th will always sting but I’m grateful to grow from the loss.