Los Angeles, the city where we buy crystals to attract an authentic life, play games while trying to go by someone else’s rules, read in-between the lines hoping we can find something that works with our narrative, and where the value of things is determined by its label, whether it is a purse or a relationship… Sometimes it can get exhausting, and a bit of a mind-f*** (I think my mind gets more action than I do if you know what I mean).
As we all blame a past we try to run from or some former lover who didn’t live up to the person we imagined them to be, we are all constantly trying to redeem ourselves for what we lack, hoping the other person completes us. Our self-worth is based on what others think of us and thanks to filters, good angles, and doing what we think others want rather than what is true to us we get wrapped into winning a strategic game that doesn’t resonate with our true selves.
After a rollercoaster of a relationship in my early 20s, I took a break from dating, but after being single for a good year, I dated a guy who seemed like a good guy. He was easy to get along with, said all the right things with convincing sincerity, California blonde, and someone my mom wouldn’t hate. Long story short after 5 months of dating, I found out he had been seeing other girls. When I told a girlfriend time what had happened, she said, “well of course… you needed nothing from him… You didn’t allow him to be a man.”
I’ve always been one to believe that if you constantly lean on your partner at a certain point, they will fall over. I believe there are many other ways for a woman to make her man feel like a man without needing him but rather by showing him you want him (take that as you will). As I moved on with my life, I realized I would never know what I wanted out of a partner unless I knew who I was. I recognized I needed to stop having my guard up but have higher standards and no, that doesn’t mean demanding some 10-course meal that would completely ruin the buzz of some overpriced bottle of wine. It means making sure they are a good person, that they can make me laugh, that they always have my best interest at heart and that they aren’t with me because it fulfills something they lack. A man who isn’t intimidated by what a woman brings to the table and is inspired by her resilience is my definition of a man. A man who asks a woman to be less of who she is and to dim her shine so he can be the star is lazy and rather cowardly.
While at work, I received an email notification to find a note from the “nice blonde” guy, asking how I was along with a brief apology, saying he often thought of our time, I was the ultimate girl and he didn’t realize what he had. He also wanted to meet for coffee.
Now, if someone tries to come back into your life, it’s usually because they don’t like who they were in the situation- not because they miss you. They are seeking redemption. I wasn’t angry enough to reply to something mean or angry because, to be honest, thanks to his lack of awareness and security, I found people that make me happier than I could ever imagine. I told him I forgave him a long time ago and I was grateful for our time together because, without it, I wouldn’t be where I am now.
I think many girls see walking down the aisle as the finish line, the big grand finale to all the previous events that happened before finding their person. That being said, I may not have the cliché massive diamond ring to prove I am good at relationships or some picket fence to protect me if being a writer doesn’t work out…. but I have roses on my table and a massive smile on my face. So I guess I don’t care if you think I’ve won- I know I have.