Why Change Is Psychologically Costly—and What We Can Do About It

Why does change, even change for the good, challenge us so much? We want to eat healthier or exercise more, but no matter how much we summon our willpower, we continue down the same path. The same thing happens when we try to change how we work, connect, or lead. The reality is–change is emotional. 

Why Change Is Psychologically Costly: 

1. Present Bias – We like comfort, and we want it now. I think of it as the war between my aspirational-self and my actual-self. My aspirational-self is reading one of the 17 non-fiction books on my nightstand, but my actual-self is binge-watching Friends reruns. Again. Putting in the work without immediate gratification isn’t all that appealing. Reaching that important goal? That’s a me-tomorrow problem. Me-right-now likes it nice and easy, thank you very much.
2. Habitual Efficiency – As humans, we are efficiency machines. (Even though it doesn’t always feel that way.) Autopilot is easier, the process has already been tested. And our brain doesn’t want to exert extra energy trying something new–That is seen as a threat.
3. Identity Friction – We are compelled to protect our sense of self. I interviewed behavioral scientist Katy Milkman and she said, “Change is all about losing who you were, and shifting to a new path, and the fact that those kinds of adjustments are costly psychologically, is an important part of why we often don’t take the leap.” Saying we are going to change course and go in a different direction implies we were headed in the wrong direction, we weren’t already doing the right thing.

What We Can Do About It:

1. Temptation Bundling – Instead of fighting the temptation of immediate gratification, lean into it. Enter my favorite life hack, “temptation bundling.” The idea is to combine one thing you need to do and often procrastinate on doing, with one thing that you can’t wait to do. Read more about temptation bundling here.
2. Consistency Over Intensity – If you are reading this anytime between the second Friday of January and December 31st, how are those New Year’s resolutions coming? Do you know why I said the second Friday of January? Well, it’s not the kindest name, but it does make me laugh that this is known as “Quitter’s Day.” Over the years, I’ve been guilty of this–setting such lofty resolutions that by mid-January, I’m tapping out. James Clear says it best, “Intensity makes a good story. Consistency makes progress.”
3. Nurture a Growth Mindset – When change challenges our identity, we may resist—not because we don’t want to grow, but because it feels like letting go of who we’ve been. That’s where a growth mindset helps. We want this for our kids, and we need it for ourselves too. It starts by giving ourselves permission to change. It’s not that we’re not good enough. It’s that we can be even better. When we shift from “Who I’ve always been” to “Who I’m becoming,” change feels less like a loss and more like growth.

Lean Into Accountability (If It Works for You)

When I interviewed Gretchen Rubin, she shared her Four Tendencies framework, which explains how people respond differently to expectations. Some of us thrive when someone else is counting on us. Others? Not so much. Understanding our tendency can help us figure out what kind of support (if any) helps us (and those around us) stick with the change we are trying to make. 

Gretchen explains:

• Upholders meet both outer and inner expectations—“Discipline is my freedom”
• Questioners question everything—“I’ll comply—if you convince me why”
• Obligers need external accountability—“You can count on me; and I’m counting on you to count on me”
• Rebels resist expectations—“You can’t make me, and neither can I” 

If you’re an Obliger, for example, an accountability partner or a colleague to check in with might make all the difference. And even if you’re not, just knowing your style can help you choose strategies that work for you, not against you.

Want to find out your Tendency? Take the Four Tendencies quiz.

Change is psychologically costly, but we’re not stuck. We can acknowledge it, give ourselves permission to change, and choose strategies that make change feel doable—even energizing.

What’s one small shift you’re ready to make today?

In Bold Gratitude,
Lainie

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