The chances are, if you are reading this, you are looking for answers.  Trying to understand what is going on in your relationship.  You have already been discarded and trying to understand what your relationship was really about.

Perhaps you left the relationship, knowing it was not healthy, but not being able to put your finger on what it was and now wondering if you did the right thing. 

And perhaps you are at the lowest point you have ever been in your life! 

There are two camps, the one where Sex was OK but wasn’t earth-shattering, but I think you were in the other where it was amazing, they were so attentive and made sure your needs were taken care of before their own.

It is doubtful the first camp will be trying to understand why sex, was so good. In a typical Narcissistic way, their Emotional Abuser went down the entitlement route and got their gratification without a thought for their partner saying something like ‘how was that for you?’ rolling over and promptly falling asleep. 

The second camp, however, experienced something completely different, sex was used as a manipulation tool. Falling for the sexually active abuser who understood the supply they got from gratifying their partner, and who understood, how they could use sex to manipulate, bond, and control them. Sex was used to manipulate your emotions, in the same way, the cycle of abuse works. 

Women react differently to sex than men, their hormones play a different role, and with sex, women start to bond with a partner, they see it as becoming a couple seeing sex as a commitment, trusting their partner and handing over part of themselves in this intimate act. 

For men it is slightly different, they become mesmerised by the female Emotional Abuser, they are captivated by them, the Abuser ensures their needs are met. Like the widow spider who lures her mate into her web and then eats him once they have had sex. 

The Emotional Abuser can easily spot what is missing from their victim’s life, they put on a mask and play that role.  All the questioning at the beginning of the relationship wasn’t an interest in you (well, it was sort of), it was for the Abuser to gain important information to use to manipulate them. They lure their victims and get them to trust them, creating bonds that then become so difficult to break. 

For women, they see the Abuser as their fairytale prince they had heard stories about, but sadly there isn’t a happy ever after in this one. 
For men they might be attracted by the female abuser physical beauty and caring nature, they probably weren’t thinking of getting into a relationship but they were lured there by them. 

And the abuser knows once they have connected with you sexually they are in a better position to trauma bond you and play more games. 

Relationships are supposed to make you feel secure, and a healthy partner would make sure you felt that way, but the abuser goes out of their way to create the opposite feeling. 

And one of their favourite games is triangulation. Introducing another person into the conversation, an ex-lover or a friend or previous love interest, they may even try to sexually coerce you into performing sexual acts you are not comfortable with. 

They use the cycle of abuse, love-bombing one minute, and then pushing you away the next, leaving you feeling insecure. 
They talk far too much than a normal person should about their exes to create jealousy and then they might rush off and discard you only to reappear at a later date and start the cycle of abuse again. 

You might catch them cheating, they may apologies and tell you how good you are together and how you are meant to be together and they are so sorry they won’t do it again – and how they want to change and you are the person who can help them do that, leaving you torn, knowing you should walk away, but bonded believing you are the only one who can help them.
Sadly their apologies are as false and empty just like they are. 

They knew exactly what they were doing when they used their techniques to create the bonds that now keep you trapped. They promised you so much.

And they hooked you up again to an even stronger dose of bonding hormones, you became addicted to this feeling and you now need higher and higher doses, and this is what is keeping you trapped, you now need to wean yourself off the hormone rushes you crave.

If this has happened to you, you were bonded to the Abuser this isn’t love, this is abuse. And it wasn’t making love it was sex. There was no real connection, they just allowed you to believe there was. 

And when they know you are hooked, you start to get a glimpse of the person behind the mask, they don’t need to keep the pretense up for as long, they know it will now be hard for you to walk away.

Sex is a weapon, it can now be withheld to punish you, making you question what is wrong with you and why they no longer find you attractive, breaking down your self-esteem and they talk about other people. 

Sex is also a way of gaining attention for them, they get supply from it. Didn’t they question you about their performance, wanting to know they were the best lover you had ever had?

Sex isn’t about the union of two people, in fact when I have researched this subject for other videos, I found articles suggesting they don’t actually like sex, it is too intimate they much prefer to masturbate.

To enjoy sex is to give away their power – if you think back, they were always in control, there was no intimacy.

Protect yourself:

They infiltrated your body then they started on your soul. And you realise they have taken over every aspect of your life. That simple act was to gain your trust and to bond you, they knew what they were doing and you are left broke and broken, I know I was. 

And, if this is where you are now feeling empty, feeling deep loneliness, and unloved, you are likely to be the target for another one! I know so many people who get into a new relationship just to feel loved and valued, but dragging that wound with them. 

The Emotional Abuser is looking for immediate gratification and they are quite lazy, they don’t want to work hard or invest too much time or money. 

By healing the wounds you have, you will not be needy, and you will become less attractive to an abuser. When they realise you are not going to be easily manipulated by them, and they move on to someone who will. 

!! Reset your boundaries, just like after a storm there might be damage to a fence, you would go out and secure it again, do the same with your own personal ones. There was actually nothing wrong with them, you were convinced there was and each time they violated them or broke them down you believed it was your fault, it wasn’t, this was part of their game.

Repair them and stand firm, if someone doesn’t like the boundaries you have put in place, let them move on, they will have no respect for you. 

!! Don’t give your power away, and realise you don’t have sex with anyone if you don’t want to, make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. 

You have been badly hurt, so rememberer it is ok to protect yourself, you don’t need to share this information with anyone if you don’t want to or don’t feel comfortable doing it. If someone is really interested in you for who you are they will understand this and they will want you to feel secure, they won’t keep pestering you for information on your previous relationships. If they see this as a red-flag let them and let them move on, don’t be manipulated by anyone to do or say things you are not comfortable with.

!! Put yourself first and listen to your body. Your body is an amazing machine, it has an ancient built-in warning system, when something doesn’t feel right it usually isn’t, don’t let anyone tell you to ignore it and to listen to them instead, it won’t be long before they are telling you that you are too sensitive or can’t take a joke. 

You don’t know this person, so don’t start putting them before your family and friends, anyone who respects you will respect other important relationships in your life, they won’t be jealous of them. 
When you enforce your boundaries an Abusive person will get bored and they will move on, let them. 

If someone is interested in you they will invest the time to get to know you.
They will not put you in situations where they will hurt you.

They will not say things to cause you pain.

They will not want to see you in pain.

They will not want to control you. 

Sex was used as a weapon to bond you into a relationship to manipulate and control you. 

If you are recovering from the Trauma Bonding, start grounding yourself, these chains are invisible and you will need to break them to feel whole. 

If you would like help in doing this you drop me an email and find out what you can do to break these bonds.

You can watch the video here


  • Elizabeth Goddard

    Author of the A-Z of Emotional Abuse and Finding Lily I help people break the invisible bonds that keep them trapped after a relationship

    Through my own healing journey, I know the damage emotional abuse leaves both in your internal life and your external, physical, and financial life because I’ve been there.

    This was a game and I didn’t have the rules. After an unhealthy relationship, I was left a shell of my former self and I’d lost everything; I was broke and I was broken… 

    I was stuck in a debilitating cycle of questioning and doubting myself- 

    “If only I had said… If only I hadn’t said… Maybe if I had done… Maybe if I hadn’t done… “ I thought it was all my fault.

    The very first part of healing was dealing with the invisible bonds the Trauma Bonding, which kept me trapped unable to move on.  I eventually realised it really wouldn’t have made any difference if I had said or done anything differently I would still be here, I might have been granted more time but I also might have been even more traumatised. 

    I believe the emotions we feel are trapped trauma and we experience over and over again until we remove it completely from our system. 

    And that we need to get to the root cause, and much like a verruca, if a tiny part of the root is left it will lay dormant until it is triggered again. 

    The problem with a lot of methods is they only scratch the surface of the problem and act more like a bandaid rather than a full solution…

    Every step I have taken over the last 20 years has brought me to this point to be able to spot the hallmarks of abuse and transform the grit into gold

    Each new level of understanding has expanded my toolbox.

    I am so passionate about the work I do with clients, seeing them gain the clarity and the inner healing is magical and to see their faces change physically after just one session inspires me. 

    And I love having a business that allows me to travel, for travel was something that saved me when I was going through my own healing journey. 

    When I’m not working on Revive Your Soul, you will probably find me in my garden tending to my vegetables, might find me walking along the canals, writing, or meeting friends for coffee. Or you might spot me at the airport…

    Elizabeth Goddard

     Author - Finding Lily & A-Z of Emotional Abuse and Emotional Abuse Specialist